Halloween: The Twentysomething Edition

Halloween for anyone over the age of 13 is basically just another day. I mean, sure, some older, less morally driven girls still like to dress up all slutty-like because it's fun, and let's be honest, very attention-getting, if you know what I mean. But in actual reality, Halloween is a sad excuse for a holiday for anyone out of middle school that hasn't popped out a kid yet. In order to best demonstrate my theories on Halloween, please allow me to use a sexual reference...

The Halloween timeline of a typical person somewhat resembles a night of passion for a newly-minted relationship (or newly-minted hook-up, whatever you prefer). It starts out amazing, full of excitement and creativity, like you never want it to end. Then, as the night goes on, you're still going at it, but the excitement tends to die down a little bit. Finally, as the sun begins to come up, you are so exhausted, all you want to do is lay there. The very last thing you want to do is dress up and role play just to get some more "candy."

That's strikingly similar, am I right?! I was shocked, as well.

If I was Halloween, I'd feel pretty ripped off to be so abandoned. But I'm not Halloween. For the sake of this article, I'm actually going to be Halloween's Marketing Executive. It seems to me that Halloween needs to re-evaluate a few things in order to last longer (get it?). For example, maybe it's time that Halloween gets a new target audience, or at least adds to their current audience by appealing to an older crowd. Twentysomethings everywhere would love to partake in all that Halloween has to offer, if only it would offer better shit. In order to attract this new audience, the act of Trick-or-Treating has to undergo a giant transformation. The purpose of Halloween shouldn't be to excite the fat kids with pillowcases of candy collections. No, that's a thing of the past, damnit! It should be to aid twentysomethings in obtaining the things that they need and want in life. I would gladly get suited up and go door-to-door, joke-telling in order to get a few necessities for us twentysomethings.

Here's the things that neighbors everywhere should be prepared to fork out to twentysomethings in order for Halloween to make a come-back:

• A list of any job openings you are currently aware of and a coinciding pay range. Just because I have a pretty legit job, that doesn't mean every twentysomething that wants to go Trick-or-Treating does. If you're a neighbor, and you know of a sweet gig that's available, get the word out on Halloween.
• QT gas cards. Us twentysomething's need to be able to get to work, and I will be the first to tell you that my commute, by itself, has the ability to drain my bank account. If just TWO houses were to give me a QT gas card, I could surely make it to work and back for at least one week.
• Relationship advice. If you're a neighbor, and you happen to be in a happily monogamous relationship, PLEASE feel free to hand out some of that advice to us twentysomething's blowin' you up. And if you aren't in a happily monogamous relationship, please enlighten us as to what you did to fuck it up, because I'm sure there's something. Also, friendship advice. I'm sure you know a little something about this kinda stuff, right? Trust me when I say that we could all use this kind of information right now.
• Obviously, alcohol. That shit ain't cheap, and I have a lifestyle to uphold throughout my twenties. Even the tiny, tiny bottles from the gas station are better than a fucking bite-sized Snickers bar. Priorities, people!
• Food. I don't mean junk and candy. No, I mean, home-cooked meals and gift cards to restaurants.  A girl has got to eat, and despite my strong desire to want to cook for someone someday, now is definitely not that time. I'd much rather ring a neighbors door bell on Halloween, and have them kindly invite me in for supper, or just hand me a gift card to my local Mexican restaurant or grocer.
• Car maintenance services. If you're manly and know how to work on cars, my check engine light has been on for months on end. Not to be all stereotypically female here, but I don't know shit about cars, nor do I have the budget to take my car into the shop, just to be ripped off because I'm, well, stereotypically female. Also, if you have a spare set of car stereo speakers laying around, I can think of some fantastically perverted, twentysomething jokes to tell for those...
• Beauty treatments. Um, hello?! Getting my hair did is quite the pricey activity. I can barely afford to do it once every three months, and I REALLY should be doing so. Not only hair, but nails, spray tans, and laser hair removal treatments (if you're really giving it out this year) are always needed, as well. Again, if you don't possess the skills to provide me the service, gift cards are gratefully accepted.
• Donations. Donations to my student loan company(ies), donations to my credit card company(ies), donations to my savings account, donations to my mortgage company, donations to my concert fund, my travel fund, my crafting fund, and, finally, my sex toy fund (have you shopped for that stuff lately?! So damn expensive! No matter what it is you're going for, it gives a whole new meaning to getting screwed). Donations.

Clearly, it wouldn't take much for Halloween to get back in the game and be cool again. 

20 of Life's Little Pleasures

Not every day can be the best day ever. In fact, some days, I ask myself "Is THIS is the best I can get?! WTF!" I mean, I wake up before 6am, I barely remember to brush my teeth and deodorize (read: I said barely!), I drive my long ass commute to my office gig, do my thang for 9 hours, drive my long ass commute all the way back home, and entertain myself throughout the evening any way that I can (sometimes by singing in the shower; sometimes by watching bad TV; sometimes by writing one of these brilliant blogs. Thrilling, I KNOW). I'm not going to lie, things can tend to get a little monotonous. It might be the only downside to liking a little structure in my life. But, I'm also aware that it could be much worse. For instance, tonight, I got a bill from AT&T informing me of the next ass raping of $180 to be debited from my bank account by the end of the month. Let it be known that I haven't even HAD AT&T SERVICES SINCE JUNE. God, they are ridiculous...

When shitty things happen in life, like when you're getting completely ripped off by a cable company, or when every sad, sappy love song makes you never want to leave your bed, or when you're someones best kept secret just so they can save themselves from having to answer to someone else (because we are all pussies, after all), there are solutions. There are always little things in life that turn that frown upside down. Even if you are a cold and heartless bitch that has no soul! There's even something for you shameful people, too. Like, knowing that I had even the slightest day of crap. I bet that makes you smile from ear to ear. Assholes. BUT regardless, everyone has something that can brighten their day. You just have to find out what those things are. Ah! The catch.

I have done some inside diving (that has a nasty ring to it and I LIKE IT!) lately, in order to discover what makes my heart hurt from anxiety and negative feelings, and what makes my face hurt from smiling and, not to mention, laughing so hard that I can only imagine the annoyance I cause to the poor people around me. Some things that I took for granted before this little pleasure-discovering voyage (no, I'm not referring to a lesbian cruise of the Bahamas...) really do put a smile on my face. Life's little pleasures like these:

1. The first five minutes of my car ride. It's at this point in my drive that my two front speakers momentarily forget that they are indeed BLOWN, and they are functioning just fine. Okay, so not really just fine. There's a little static, but it's better than feeling like I need to drive my car from the backseat in order to hear my music.
2. Thinking that I'm running late, and then glancing at the clock just to realize that I still have 10 minutes until I need to leave.
3. Waking up at 3am, and getting to go back to sleep for at least 2 more hours.
4. Stopping at my parents house after work, just to discover that my Dad is making a big breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy, and toast, for dinner. It's my lucky day!
5. Having a real-life PenPal. Not one of those stranger-danger inmates that just want you to send them pictures all of the time....... That's a trick. A dirty, nasty trick, I tell ya. I'm talkin' about a REAL PenPal that's interested in your life, not your vagina. Unless, they are interested in your life AND your vagina. Well, then, that's just a fucking rad PenPal. BAM!
6. Catching one of your favorite songs on the radio - at the beginning! If you catch it at the end, that isn't exactly a little pleasure, now is it? Nope. That's just a tease.
7. Arriving to work after a vacation and having less than 15 emails in your inbox.
   
8. Waking up after a drunken night of restless sleep, only to realize that one of your soberish BFF's cleaned up your place after the party died down last night. SHIT'S AWESOME.
9. In addition to #8, you also wake up fully refreshed after said party. Either because you threw up all of the alcohol before you passed out last night, or because you remembered to eat bread and drink a Gatorade before your drunken slumber. No matter why, you feel amazing. Bloody Mary's and Mimosa's for all!
10. When you think you're catching a cold, or getting full-blown pneumonia, and you WebMD your symptoms and it tells you that you are 2 days away from dying, but then you come to find it's just your period again. Don't get me wrong, menstruation is a bitch, but it's better than being ACTUALLY sick (or pregnant, or 2 days away from your death). And never WebMD your symptoms because it will turn you into a bat-shit crazy hypochondriac! If you take anything from this blog, let it be that.
11. DVR. DVR puts a smile on my face, damnit. Being able to watch Jersey Shore, and New Girl, and every other lame TV show I record whenever I want brightens the hell out of my day.
12. Free shipping and/or promotional codes. I never thought it would be so fun to have something shipped to me, but it really is. You feel like you are getting such a bargain, when really, you're just paying what you should have been paying even without that stupid promo code.
13. Hearing a voice you haven't heard in a long time. Everyone says that a scent is the thing people miss the most about someone. I beg to differ. To me, it's their voice. How they say your name, or even just how they say "hello" or "absolutely." Whatever it is, when you hear it, life's hitting you with a lovely little pleasure.
14. Having flowers sent to you. Or to me. Yes, to me.
15. Spotify. Free music for all! God bless Spotify. I have it at home, at work, on my phone, up my ass. I have Spotify in places you don't want to know.
16. Goodnight/Good Morning text messages, phone calls, emails, etc. Anyone that takes the thought just to tell you goodnight and good morning is worth your time. It means that you are in their thoughts, and if they're being sincere, they are wishing you a good night and a good morning! Don't take those little words for granted. Someday, all you may want is someone that cares enough to wish you goodnight and good morning.  
17. When you like someone, and they actually REALLY like you right back. That's such a fucking pleasure, man. You don't realize it, but the number of times this happens in life is pretty limited. Unrequited love and heartbreak is the number one cause of death. No, I'm totally making that shit up. But the hopeless romantic in me half-way believes it's the truth. If it's the real thing, it's one of the best things. 
18. Working in a group setting during class/work and having everyone in the group actually do their respective job. Team projects are the pits. If you have a team that actually does what they are supposed to do, and everyone collaborates and ONE person isn't abandoned to do the entire thing solo, then you've hit the jackpot in team projects.
19. Finding someone to cover your serving shift when you are laying in someone else's bed, naked, and with no intentions of leaving any time soon - work or no work. They just saved you from calling in sick, or, in some cases, the dreaded no-call-no-show. Buy that poor bastard a shot next time you're out with them. 
20. When someone surprises you. And I don't mean in the "Everyone down, turn off the lights, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" kind of way. I mean they legitimately impress you in a way that you didn't think they could. They send that email out ASAP, they give you some really, really good advice that you didn't think they were smart enough to know, they send you flowers when you didn't even know that make-out session meant anything to them, they are completely and utterly honest with you about their feelings out of the blue, they've known all along exactly what it would take to make you happy, and they actually do it this time, and they don't let you down. Sometimes, all you need to brighten your day is for someone to step it up and surprise you. 

P.S. Someone from AT&T may need this blog as a reminder tomorrow...

Why Same-Sex Marriage Should be Legalized Any & Everywhere

You can't deny that this is a hot topic right now with the election coming up. Just because I, myself, am a lesbian, that doesn't mean I'm the only person that cares about this issue. Nor is it the only issue that I care about. But this is at the top of my list, and you can take that for whatever it's worth to you. Not only is this a popular topic for me and other lesbians and gays, it's also an issue for a lot of non-gay people, as well. Some for legit reasons, and some just by association. For instance, if I am never able to get married, every heterosexual that I know and love will have to hear me cry about it for the rest of my life. Therefore, they are also stakeholders in this. And for that, I sincerely apologize.

But it seems as though the traditional things, like health insurance, life insurance, and even things as simple as joint bank accounts, are not getting the job done in terms of WHY same-sex marriage should be legalized. I suppose that makes sense. Same-sex marriage is not exactly a traditional thing, after all. So why would traditional issues be able to put up a good fight in this battle?

With that said, as you probably know, non-traditional is my specialty. And this works out very well for many reasons, but especially since I'm way better at funny than I am at facts. I can go right ahead and  just give you every non-traditional reason in the book that same-sex marriage should be legalized any and everywhere. But you wouldn't care all that much. So, instead, I'm going to give Barack Obama all of my non-traditional reasons. He and I go way back.

Dear Mr. President,

Please see below for my extremely selfish case as to WHY same-sex marriage should be legalized. And since you insist that this is a state issue as opposed to a federal one, please feel free to cc everyone you know in every state so we can get this ball rolling. I'm on a 5-year plan, after all. Get on it.

• First of all, I know how much you love Jay-Z and Beyonce. And I also freaking know that Beyonce would LOVE her "if you like it then you better put a ring on it" song to be applicable to those of any sexual preference. I HIGHLY DOUBT that Beyonce would want to exclude me, or any other homo from her songs. Just because I'm a girl, and I (someday will) just so happen to be dating another girl, that doesn't mean that, if they like it, they shouldn't have to put a damn ring on it. They need to suck it up, too, B. Please make them suck it up and commit. That's all I ask.
• Second, Mr. President, I look fucking great in white. And ivory. Whatever I decide. No, really. It's stunning. Just as stunning as your bright white teeth are against your dark skin. That's how stunning. Now, tell me, why shouldn't I be able to wear a big poofy white dress someday and have everyone stare admirably at me as I walk down the aisle? It's only fair. I mean, just as the case for all heterosexuals, my proms are over, too. I'm out of chances. 
• If I have the ability to vote for your ass for President, why don't I have the ability to marry whoever's ass I want to marry? I take a chance on you, you take a chance on me. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, right? RIGHT, OBAMA?! I apologize. I didn't mean to raise my voice.
• Bachelor and Bachelorette party suppliers will have just hit the jackpot. Not only is there DOUBLE the need for everything penis thanks to gay boys everywhere, there's also a newly extensive need for vagina necklaces, vagina straws, big blow-up vaginas, and anything else vagina thanks to lesbians. OH, and titties. We can't forget about the titties. SO, vagina AND TITTY necklaces, vagina AND TITTY straws, big blow-up vaginas AND TITTIES. That's a lot of new merchandise we're talkin' about here, BObama. I just found a spot for a large portion of those millions jobs y'all want to create. You're welcome.
• I already have a wedding song picked out. And it's the prettiest song ever made. But until I have a wedding (and not to mention, a significant other) it's useless. You don't want me to cry, do you? I mean, I bet Mitt wouldn't want me to cry...
• Same-sex marriage needs to be legalized everywhere, but especially in Missouri, because that's where I, along with my entire family live. Alright, alright. The real reason here is that my brothers girlfriend doesn't like to fly on planes. So jetting off to Maine or some shit isn't really convenient for her. I knew you'd understand.
• My same-sex wedding would make my parents so unbelievably uncomfortable at this point in time. Therefore, IT MUST TAKE PLACE. Preferably while they are still young enough to attend. If you wait too long, they might actually become okay with their daughter getting hitched to another girl (a really hot, really well-dressed, really romantic lesbian, that just so happens to be a total 10), and what fun is that?!
• Because I'm a woman and I deserve the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle just like every other daughter in this world. Even if there is another woman waiting for me when I get to the end. What difference does it make to you or anyone else? 

Tell me that these aren't completely legitimate reasons to be able to marry any penis or vagina that I want to marry, and I will tell you that you're lying. You should really have no problem understanding where I'm coming from here, with your 20 years of marriage behind you and all. 

Thanks for the chat, 

Your Hopeless Romantic Lesbian Voter

The Theory of Two Degrees & A Cosmopolitan-esque Quiz

How often is it that you see someone extremely good looking that has a significant other that’s, well, not so significant? A stunning human being with someone that’s a huge dud? It’s a total travesty. I realize it’s also a total travesty to be so superficial when it comes to two people that have fallen in love, but it’s one of those things that everyone’s thinking, and only I will be an ass enough to acknowledge it. Regardless, this very thing was a topic of discussion among some of the people that I work with the other day (because we will talk about anything to get out of talking about work).

Out of our discussion came this theory that I’m now labeling the Theory of Two Degrees. Apparently this has been talked about before (by other slackers at their day jobs, I bet), but I Googled it and got nowhere (I even went to the 2nd page- I TRIED). The theory implies that everyone finds someone, and when they do, that person is most likely within 2 degrees of them on some intangible scale. In other words, if I’m, let’s say for kicks, a whopping 8 (hey, just being honest here)… the person that I would likely end up with would be considered – give or take – only as low as a 6 (I guess I’ll take it), and possibly as high as a 10 (SCORE!). This theory is what people are subconsciously thinking of when they tell you “you are way too good looking for him” or “I can’t believe you snagged that hot m-effer. CONGRATS!” and then they talk about you behind your back. BUT that’s a different blog…

I won’t go into details as to how we arrived at this theory, but it’s based on very factual information, thus, it must be legit. At least legit enough to get me thinking about it. My biggest hang-up with the theory is that I have no idea where I stand on this scale, nor do I know where to start. I mean, personally speaking, I’d love to consider myself at least in the middle of the road with this. Is a 5 too much to ask here? I don’t think so. Maybe even higher? It's gotta be higher. I mean, I meet all of society’s personal hygiene requirements; That has to count for something. I am not on welfare, that has to be at least an additional point for me. You catch my drift.

In order to put an end to my degree madness, I’m going to go all Cosmopolitan on your ass and create a quiz. (Rest assured, it’s one that will rank me high on the degree scale; Perks of creation). 

(After the fact note: All I have to say is those Cosmopolitan people must have a shit ton of time on their hands, because this thing was ridiculously hard and time consuming).

Go ahead and take the quiz. Then, once you have, take a good look at your (non)significant other, and know your worth, damnit!

The What Degree Am I? Quiz

Give yourself a point for every one that is TRUE about you. If it is FALSE, move along without giving yourself a point:

1.       I am employed.

2.       I currently do not have a rat-tail or a mullet.

3.       Cargo shorts and DC’s are two things that I do not wear (No half points here! It’s all or nothing!)

4.       I have never physically cheated on someone.

5.       I have a sense of humor, and I can laugh at myself when I am a complete idiot. (Again, all or nothing!)

6.       I enjoy doing new things as often as I can.

7.       I follow-through when I say I will.

8.       I don’t make promises I don’t plan to keep.

9.       I believe I am impressive and someone would be lucky to have me.

10.   My car is clean; People don’t have to worry about sitting on my week-old lunch in the front seat.

11.   I am not a cheap ass. BE. FREAKING. HONEST. Some of you are cheap asses, and I will call you on it in a heartbeat.

12.   I am not a particularly selfish person.

13.   I don’t criticize anyone else’s taste in music.

14.   I dress well. (Ask someone close to you, or someone that hates you. Either will give you an honest answer)

15.   I don’t find thrill in sleeping around. AKA I’m not a ho.

16.   I don’t have any long-lost children that will show up at my doorstep in 10 years.

17.   I don’t live with my parents.

18.   I enjoy my family, and they are important to me.

19.   I believe that there is someone for everyone, and once I have found them, I will be loyal. (This question is made for me, and my enjoyment only.. But feel free to give yourself a freebie or something, because if you don’t agree, you probably missed the point on #15, as well as this one. I would hate for you non-believers to get too far behind as I roll my eyes at you).

20.   I consider myself at the maturity level of an adult.   

Now that you’ve completed the quiz, take a look at where you stand!

20-15 points – “The Keeper!”

Congratulations! You are most likely in the 7-10 range on the Theory of Two Degrees scale. A true keeper, if you ask me, and I would know best…I’m only the creator of this here quiz! Your best mate would be someone that falls in the 5-12 range on the scale. You might be wondering if a 12 is even possible… but yes, it is. Sure, why not. We made this up, remember? We make the rules! And if someone is a 12, they freaking deserve to be called it. Get yourself a hottie and make everyone else jealous, because you clearly deserve it. DO IT.

14-9 points – The “Back-Up Plan When The Keeper is Already Kept”

Okay, so if this was a true Cosmo quiz, there would be a “middle-ground” category. I would know. I was cursed with the “middle ground” result in every quiz I ever took (It was a lot back in the day). THIS category would be the middle ground category of the theory. It’s a cop out for saying “You aren’t spectacular, but you have your shit together. Somewhat. Kinda. We can’t really tell.” You are most likely in the 4-6 range on the Theory of Two Degrees scale. Your best match in a lover is, in the least, a 2 on the scale, and at most, you could snag an 8. If you catch yourself an 8, better play for keeps. Fo’ real.

8-4 points - The “I’m Just Happy To Be Here”

Meh. You are a little rusty, but not TOO far off the beaten path. You could still make a comeback if you make some drastic changes in your world. You are probably a 3 or a 4 on our Theory of Two Degrees scale. Your best hope in a significant other could be as great as a 6 on the scale, but could also weigh in as low as a 1. There is a HUGE gap between a 1 and a 6, so, by all means, aim high, man.

4-0 points – The “If the Scale Went Negative, So Would I”

Really?! Those requirements were EASY PEASY to meet. But in your defense, I guess everybody has to be loved by SOMEBODY. You’re most likely a 1 or a 2 on the scale, but, I have to be honest: you would be lucky to be on this imaginary scale whatsoever at this point! If you have a significant other, you must have the nicest smelling pheromones anyone has ever encountered, as well as a very keen power of persuasion. Or an endless supply of Love Potion #9 and/or rufies. That’s right. I said it. Figure it out! Use my quiz as a guide to get started on your long road to recovery.

Now, someone tell me this theory and its components aren't made-up by some chick bored at home on a Thursday night, and that they are actually plausible ideas. Then, I'll be good to go. 

Oh, and if that's the case, then, yes, I’m a “Keeper." Duh. :) 

Tricks to Not Getting Jealous from a SME

You know how sometimes it's possible to tell yourself something so many times, you actually start to believe it's the truth? Well, let me tell ya... Telling yourself that you aren't jealous won't make you not jealous. Nope. It just isn't one of those things. Doesn't work like that. You can tell yourself you aren't jealous as much as you want. Go ahead, keep talking to yourself (because being a crazy jealous person isn't crazy enough by itself, apparently), but at the end of the day, you are STILL going to be jealous.

When it comes to jealousy and my thoughts about the subject, I'd like to consider myself a SME (for all of my project management friends). For everyone else, that would be a Subject-Matter Expert. I know that I've got the whole jealousy thing under wraps. I make jealousy my bitch as much as possible. I do this by not getting jealous. And I can honestly tell you that not getting jealous is the fucking bees knees! IT'S AMAZING. I want to bang the shit out of not getting jealous, it ain't even funny. I know it's an envious trait to have (ahthank you), so I'm going to teach you my tricks to not getting jealous, so you, too, can feel this AMAZING feeling, and have not getting jealous boners everyday for the rest of your life.

The first trick to not getting jealous is to be too selfish to care what anyone else is up to. Seriously. I know you are thinking "Erica, this is a crude joke and I AM NOT selfish." But for reals. Be selfish. Worry about yourself, and the jealousy someone else is causing you will be long gone. You have to have more love for yourself than you have for some attention whore trying to get your panties all up in a wad. This is a good selfish to be. Trust me on this one.

Secondly, to save yourself the worry of jealousy, don't talk about ex's, dates, random hook-ups, one-night stands, or anything else that has to do with sex + the person you are into + a third (or fourth...) party. This will only linger in your thoughts for days on end to come, and THAT, my friend, is where babies come from. JUST KIDDING. That's where jealousy comes from, though.

Next, to eliminate jealousy, don't date an asshole. Sounds like common sense, but you'd be shocked. For example, what I THOUGHT was my version of jealousy back in the day (before I became a SME, of course), could have very well been my shitty, shitty, SHITTY girlfriend that was cheating on me, flirting with other people constantly, and basically giving me no attention whatsoever, and not me being jealous at all, but me being a clueless girlfriend that was like "WTF?!" all of the time. Or in layman's terms, maybe this magical, miracle jealousy cure I've done for myself has nothing to do with jealousy, and everything to do with letting go of a shitty girlfriend? Don't date an asshole, and voila! You're cured.

Not getting jealous also calls for being happy for other people. Do you recall in school, when recess was still a luxury, and picking teams for kickball was the scariest part of the day? No more being the poor sport because you were picked last everyday. It's time to be happy for the fat kid everyone called "Big Foot" who, without fail, got picked first every time (it is a game of kicking, after all). Everyone has their time. Take the good with the bad, and be happy for others when you need to be. It will save you so much worry, and you will be much more well-liked for this. Now, just to clarify, I'm not saying, for instance, to be happy for the person who was lucky enough to run away with the person you are in love with, or for the person who swoops in so sheepishly and next thing you know, you're single. Fuck that - be unhappy for those people all you want, if that's the case. I'm just saying, in terms of jealousy in KICKBALL, be happy for the fat kid... Just in kickball and fat kids does this apply.. ; )

Lastly, the oldest trick in the not getting jealous book: be so damn good. Be so damn good at being a significant other that the person you are with doesn't want you to feel jealous or insecure. Be so damn good at being happy & confident with who you are, that anyone attempting to make you jealous will fall flat on their face. Be so damn good at caring just enough, but not enough to get wrapped up in comparing yourself to anyone else. Finally, be so damn good in as many ways as possible...so that when a person doesn't see just how damn good you are, they will be completely jealous of the person that does.

Thought Catalog Copycat #2: What People Won't Tell You About Love

(I'm back at it - copying off of my favorite daily read. The inspiration: What People Won't Tell You About Love by Ryan O'Connell.)

People might tell you that love is the best feeling in the world, but they won't tell you that it has the means of being the worst feeling in the world, too. People won't tell you that love is scary. It's scary because you never know when it will be gone. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that, even when you think it's love, it's really only lust, or infatuation, or like, but it's not love at all. People won't tell you that love is only love until someone isn't in love anymore. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that love, contrary to popular belief, really is a game. People won't tell you that love is all about power, about strength, about being the bigger person. People won't tell you that you are too self-absorbed to love someone right now. People won't tell you to take a breather, or to sit this one out. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that you are being used. They won't tell you that the attention someone is giving you is actually for their own benefit more than yours, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that your relationship should have ended a long time ago. People won't tell you that, while relationships are hard and difficult, yours is way too hard, and way too difficult, and there is someone better for you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People will rush to tell you to 'get over it,' or to 'let it go,' but people won't tell you to keep trying, try again, try harder. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that when you do feel like you could be in love, when it's that rare, rare feeling, where you're giddy and passionate, and your reality is so great it couldn't possibly be reality, they won't tell you that you found a keeper. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that when there is someone that's the first person you think of in the morning, and they cross your mind more than anyone else throughout each day, and they're the last person you think of at night, people won't tell you to hold on to that. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you, once you've found that person, to stay by their side. People won't tell you how rare that is, and they won't tell you how crazy you are to let that love go. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.

People won't tell you that not hearing these things will definitely hurt worse than hearing them ever could.

4 OkCupid Syndromes Catching On Like the Plague

I am the first to admit I'm not big into dating these days. Call me lazy, call me cynical, call me whatever you like, but dating is just not something I'm subjecting myself to at this point in time. However, that doesn't keep me from stalking every boyish-looking lesbian I see on OkCupid; even if they do happen to reside in Ontario, Canada and their status explicitly states that they are "Seeing Someone" (don't get me started as to why those that are "Seeing Someone" have recently viewed my page, or even have their own page to begin with...).

By doing my fair share of creepin' during my single days, (and writing the very, very rare "hey, you look like I could like you" message- Not all of the girls are awful, after all), I've noticed some rather large trends among the lesbian community on OkCupid. If you ever wonder, like, I don't know, five years from now, why I am still hopelessly single and why I've gone on less than 2 dates, just reread this article and you'll be reminded. 

The syndromes working against all single, somewhat normal lesbians on OkCupid:

1. The Self-Proclaimed Nomad Syndrome
The first thing in their profile is that they just quit their day job in order to take off to some magical place that might as well be fucking Atlantis or some shit. I'm not sure when it became such a "queer" thing to do- this whole up and leaving thing. Or maybe it's an 'everyone in their twenties' thing (I'd have to get the opinions of my straight friends, as I'm not an expert in the area). Either way, how does one expect to build any kind of lasting relationship while building a life of leaving? I completely understand the urge to get away to a bigger and better place. Trust me, it crosses my mind on a regular basis. But then I call my sister and have her bring me back down to Earth (honest- this just happened last night. Right, Shannon?) She reminds me that I have an awesome, legit job, a close-knit family, friends, and a home. It's like I'm having an asthma attack and she's my inhaler...... Weird. Anyways, ROOTS, people, it's called ROOTS. Travel the globe, yes, please do this. But build a future, too. It's not just about the here and now. Don't wait until your 40, homeless, and broke to discover this.

2. The 'I'm a Vegetarian' Syndrome
I don't judge what other people eat. OBVIOUSLY. But I simply cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I get when I come across a hot, funny, stylish lesbian who also happens to include in her profile that "chicken wings are my favorite!" It's like this: I know plenty of vegetarians, and it's totally fine, I respect it and don't mind it. But it's turned into a fun game. Finding a lesbian on OkCupid that isn't a vegetarian feels sort of like I just found the final item on my Girl Scout Scavenger Hunt list. I can now receive my LESBIANS WHO EAT MEAT patch. That's right, bitches.

3. The "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" Syndrome
I don't read. I can't. I've tried everything in my power. It's a wretched cycle I cannot break: I research books for days on end, finally purchase one, get through Chapter 2, fall asleep, the book doesn't leave my nightstand ever again. I think I have something wrong with me, because I want to read SO badly, but it just doesn't work out. Well, apparently, I'm the only lesbian like this. Every other lesbian seems to have a list a mile long of books that they ABSOLUTELY LOVE, and anyone who doesn't read is just not smart. I can take that... I've been called worse. But seriously, read something other than "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." That movie is about to come out, soon enough I'll be able to lie and tell you I read the book, anyways. Now who's the smart one?!

4. The 21 & Up Syndrome
I took this straight out of a billion lesbian profiles. When OkCupid asks "What Are You Interested In?", it's like a written rule that anyone of the age to drink alcohol is a potential mate.

"Interested in: Girls that like Girls
Ages: 21-35
Located: Anywhere."

Well, excuse me for noticing, but you are THIRTY years old. Just because someone can finally walk across town, simultaneously shot-gunning a beer, without getting a MIP, that doesn't mean they are ready to be in a relationship with you. I'm all for doubling and tripling your odds these days by extending your age range and eliminating all location barriers. But, let's use our heads and think about this. Most lesbians aren't even out of their "I'm going to bang every chick and their mom" phase until they are in their mid-twenties or something like that. If you are seriously looking, raise your standards a bit - or at least by a couple of years.

p.s. As I said, not ALL of the lesbians are awful.. Some of them also enjoy City and Colour, they at least acknowledge that they have a family, and they wear bow ties, along with other miscellaneous things that absolutely melt my gay, gay, EXTREMELY GAY heart. Those lesbians prove that not all hope is completely lost. Thanks for that. OH, and if you are one of them, please message me.

I'm Probably Going to Fall in Love with You If...

I’m Probably Going to Fall in Love with You If…

(you’ve been warned)

·         You save me from my reality.

·         You’d give me a free pass for Kiyomi McCloskey and Tegan Quin.

·         You can introduce me to new things and you aren’t afraid to do something new, too. Who says not having a shit-ton in common is a horrible thing?

·         You have no idea how smart you are.

·         We laugh harder than we’ve laughed in forever.

·         You send me flowers for no reason other than you know I love flowers.

·         You aren’t afraid to play.

·         You aren’t too good to laugh at yourself or ask for help. It’s nice to feel needed.

·         We can hang out with only each other and love it.

·         We can hang out with other people together and remember to pay attention to each other.

·         You don’t mind talking to me throughout the day.

·         You love your family and you can’t wait to meet mine.

·         We can spend money and not harp on each other for it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: no one likes a cheap ass.

·         You recognize when you are wrong or when you are being an ass. We laugh about it when it’s no longer a big deal.

·         You can make me dinner, and don’t expect me to make you dinner in return.  :/ Trust me on this one.

·         We can give each other shit and it’s fun, not mean.

·         You aren’t afraid to spoil someone.

·         We both get justtherightamount jealous of other people. And then we both think it’s cute.

·         You aren’t afraid to dance, even if it means you will make a total fool of yourself.

·         One word texts are nothing that you do.

·         Everyone knows how we feel about each other.

·         If I do something to piss you off, I’m the first to know about it.

·         You like surprises, and you also like to plan them.

·         You give me as much attention as you need in return.

·         You’re persistent.

·         If I tell you I’m insecure about someone/something, you help me to feel better.

·         You aren’t a bad driver, bad tipper, bad kisser, or bad lover. (Is that too much to ask?)

·         You know when it’s okay to act like a child and when it’s okay to act like an adult.

·         You’re the bigger person in your friendships.

·         We can agree to disagree and still want to bang each other.

·         You have your own opinions and aren’t afraid to make them known, but you don’t force them on anyone because that would make you a douche.

·         You feel so great it’s almost too good to be true, but alas, it is indeed true.

30 Things that Cross My Mind on My 30-Minute Commute

Sometimes I legitimately start to think I'm a crazy person due to the random shit that consumes my head during my 30-minute commute. The things that cross my mind are not always healthy, but they are surely ridiculous. In my defense, my morning commute is SO early... 6:30am is far too early to be capable of thinking clearly. That's why the things I think about make me a nut-job. Read on, you'll see what I mean:

1. Monday can suuuuuuuuuuuck my butt.
2. Dear iPod, please stay away from any sad love songs this morning. I'm not stable enough for this nonsense this early in the am. Skip that song... and that song...
3. I wonder what Zac Hanson is doing right now...
4. I definitely shouldn't have stayed out until 3am.
5. NEED CAFFEINE IMMEDIATELY.
6. Reminder: I have to have a job. I worked hard to make it this far. This is what I SHOULD be doing. Just keep swimming.
7. Someday I'll drive a car for this 30 minutes that doesn't have ANY blown speakers, and it will be in. fucking. credible.
8. I think I'm still drunk.
9. What's for breakfast? And lunch? What's for dinner?
10. It's just a little rain, step on it, pokey!
11. Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend... no way, no way, I think you need a new one.
12. I know it's the ass crack of dawn right now, but why must you drive like an idiot?!
13. Hope I don't make any last minute plans for after work because my hair looks a hot mess now, I can only imagine what it will look like 10 hours from now.
14. Ugh, I miss you.
15. How much sick leave do I have available? You're halfway there, Erica. Be a grown up, damnit.
16. I hope no one freaking bothers me today. And I also hope I don't get any random assignments. Or any emails for that matter. Yea, I hope no one emails me or calls me or even LOOKS AT ME.
17. I'm definitely still drunk.
18. I'm totally taking a nap when I get off work.
19. Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number...
20. Thank god this day is over, I'm finally free! 
21. What's for dinner?!
22. Go home, run, make something healthy for dinner, don't spend any money.
23. I'm so grateful my sister invited me to dinner, I almost had to go home, run, and make my own dinner! Close call on that one.
24. Why is my gas tank ALWAYS on E? Never fails. 
25. Yes, I dance alone in my car, nosey car next to me. Say somethin!
26. I can't believe I didn't get pulled over just then... must have hit the brakes JIT.
27. ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL!
28. Is it pay day yet?
29. I need sleeeeeeeep.
30. 

4 Cliche Datisms That I Wish Weren't Mine, But Unfortunately They Are and I Have to Live with That, So You Do, Too.

First of all, isn't that a sweet title?! My angst and frustration are vividly demonstrated.

When it comes to dating, you could say I'm like the kid on the soccer team that's really great at scoring goals, and not really great at knowing which goal to score in. Everyone could be yelling from the sidelines that I'm "GOING THE WRONG WAY!" but I'd end up shooting anyway, and making all net, baby, and that's all that matters! Riiiiiight?

If I lost you in that analogy, I think I mean, in terms of dating, I am always chasing after the wrong ones and leaving the good ones a half a field behind me. Maybe not always, but it's definitely been known to happen from time to time.  I'm pretty typical - a typical lesbian, a typical chick, a typical type - you could say. I'd like to think that I'd finally be different for someone, or make someone want to be different and change their own ways, but who am I kidding? Apparently, I'm just a giant walking lesbo cliche.

Here's some things I do in dating that are just super cliche and typical. All I can say about them is I'm aware of them, I TRY to work on them, and my bad, man.

1. Jumping to conclusions. Regardless of your real reasons, I've been known to create my own. Good or bad, well, that's neither here nor there, of course. Maybe it's my independence and my ability to think for myself (yea, that's it...), or maybe it's just that the people I've dated have the tendency to blur the lines a little bit in an attempt to keep me guessing or to make my life hell. Either way, I'm not a fan of the open-endedness that tends to haunt my love life. Therefore, creating these excuse-filled conclusions for the lack-luster loves in my life gives me a sense of control and closure. And it also gives me the ability to give you the finger every time you cross my mind now. Because I'm mature like that.
2. Not making my feelings known. I sometimes attempt to be the laid-back, care-free and "Of course I can fly by the seat of my pants!" girl that everyone seems to be looking for these days. After much introverted deliberation, involving singledom and alcohol, I'm sure, I sometimes keep my true feelings building up inside of me until there's a fork in the road and I finally have to make my feelings known. At that point it can be too late. I tell myself it's never too late for true love - that just wasn't meant to be. I know what you're thinking but hey, I TOLD YOU THESE WERE CLICHES, OKAY?!   
3. Seeming desperate when I'm really just bored, lonely, or -well- horny. I know that the line between desperation and pretty much ANYTHING will almost always mean desperation. But to me, desperation is just disappointment in disguise. Someone that's desperate is really just finally realizing that the person they are in love with is no longer impressive. In fact, they are unimpressive in every possible way. Now, they have to deal with that gigantic dick of a let-down. BUT before they deal, they hit rock bottom and play any card they can. Not by choice, of course. But we've all done it. NOT JUST ME. I hate desperation almost as much as I hate jealousy (nothing really comes close to jealousy, though). The idea of seeming desperate was most likely thought up by some very conceited person that was so utterly glad to have the attention of someone, but who had too much pride to admit that they might feel the same way. So they just pretend that they don't feel that way, and they call you a crazy desperate person to make themselves look good. There. Take that, desperation creator. I called you out.
4. Having a one-track mind. I am not a good dater whatsoever. If I have someone on my mind, it's literally impossible for me to successfully date anyone else. Because of two reasons: I feel like I'm ripping myself off by being with someone I don't necessarily want to be with, and obviously, I feel like I'm ripping off my date. Even if they are still thinking about their ex the entire time we are together, I'd rather not be together at all in that case. Maybe we could just take shots, and talk about who we REALLY wish we were with at this awesome bar? Now, that's a date I'd attend.