Tricks to Not Getting Jealous from a SME

You know how sometimes it's possible to tell yourself something so many times, you actually start to believe it's the truth? Well, let me tell ya... Telling yourself that you aren't jealous won't make you not jealous. Nope. It just isn't one of those things. Doesn't work like that. You can tell yourself you aren't jealous as much as you want. Go ahead, keep talking to yourself (because being a crazy jealous person isn't crazy enough by itself, apparently), but at the end of the day, you are STILL going to be jealous.

When it comes to jealousy and my thoughts about the subject, I'd like to consider myself a SME (for all of my project management friends). For everyone else, that would be a Subject-Matter Expert. I know that I've got the whole jealousy thing under wraps. I make jealousy my bitch as much as possible. I do this by not getting jealous. And I can honestly tell you that not getting jealous is the fucking bees knees! IT'S AMAZING. I want to bang the shit out of not getting jealous, it ain't even funny. I know it's an envious trait to have (ahthank you), so I'm going to teach you my tricks to not getting jealous, so you, too, can feel this AMAZING feeling, and have not getting jealous boners everyday for the rest of your life.

The first trick to not getting jealous is to be too selfish to care what anyone else is up to. Seriously. I know you are thinking "Erica, this is a crude joke and I AM NOT selfish." But for reals. Be selfish. Worry about yourself, and the jealousy someone else is causing you will be long gone. You have to have more love for yourself than you have for some attention whore trying to get your panties all up in a wad. This is a good selfish to be. Trust me on this one.

Secondly, to save yourself the worry of jealousy, don't talk about ex's, dates, random hook-ups, one-night stands, or anything else that has to do with sex + the person you are into + a third (or fourth...) party. This will only linger in your thoughts for days on end to come, and THAT, my friend, is where babies come from. JUST KIDDING. That's where jealousy comes from, though.

Next, to eliminate jealousy, don't date an asshole. Sounds like common sense, but you'd be shocked. For example, what I THOUGHT was my version of jealousy back in the day (before I became a SME, of course), could have very well been my shitty, shitty, SHITTY girlfriend that was cheating on me, flirting with other people constantly, and basically giving me no attention whatsoever, and not me being jealous at all, but me being a clueless girlfriend that was like "WTF?!" all of the time. Or in layman's terms, maybe this magical, miracle jealousy cure I've done for myself has nothing to do with jealousy, and everything to do with letting go of a shitty girlfriend? Don't date an asshole, and voila! You're cured.

Not getting jealous also calls for being happy for other people. Do you recall in school, when recess was still a luxury, and picking teams for kickball was the scariest part of the day? No more being the poor sport because you were picked last everyday. It's time to be happy for the fat kid everyone called "Big Foot" who, without fail, got picked first every time (it is a game of kicking, after all). Everyone has their time. Take the good with the bad, and be happy for others when you need to be. It will save you so much worry, and you will be much more well-liked for this. Now, just to clarify, I'm not saying, for instance, to be happy for the person who was lucky enough to run away with the person you are in love with, or for the person who swoops in so sheepishly and next thing you know, you're single. Fuck that - be unhappy for those people all you want, if that's the case. I'm just saying, in terms of jealousy in KICKBALL, be happy for the fat kid... Just in kickball and fat kids does this apply.. ; )

Lastly, the oldest trick in the not getting jealous book: be so damn good. Be so damn good at being a significant other that the person you are with doesn't want you to feel jealous or insecure. Be so damn good at being happy & confident with who you are, that anyone attempting to make you jealous will fall flat on their face. Be so damn good at caring just enough, but not enough to get wrapped up in comparing yourself to anyone else. Finally, be so damn good in as many ways as possible...so that when a person doesn't see just how damn good you are, they will be completely jealous of the person that does.