Monday, December 23, 2013

I'm Looking Forward To It

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a very open person. Shocked, right? I consider myself to be pretty outgoing and there's not a whole lot I wouldn't talk about with another person. But lately, I've been doing a ton of thinking on my own, and trying to look INSIDE for the answers for a change. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past few months, or the nearing end of the year, but I've been doing a bit of soul searching in order to get my mind right, if you will. As you know, I use this blog as an outlet for myself, and you can tell by my posts that my mind never stops. I'm always thinking and analyzing. But I wanted to take some time to share something different besides a love-related theory I've crafted up so cleverly in my own crazy head. This isn't exactly anything profound or life-changing. Instead, it's really something I've come to grasp over the span of the past year, and it's allowed me to change the way I think in terms of what's next for me.

You see, I am so close with so many people in life. I have a big, yet very close family, and I have some wonderful friends that I just adore. It's very important to me that they know what's happening in my world and that I know what's happening in theirs. I personally like to believe that you only become closer with people once you can open up with them and vice-versa. With that said, I never typically have second thoughts about asking for advice from other people about my relationships. It is never out of ill intent that I would talk to people about things going on, whether they are positive things or negative things. I wouldn't want to paint a negative light on the person that I care so much for to my family or friends, but I was seeking advice. It just seemed like the logical "girl thing" to do, to talk to my close friends, talk to my sisters, or talk to my Mom. The people I look up to, think fondly of and admire could surely be able to help me get through some issues in the right way. Certainly, THEY have the experience that I possibly lack, as they've probably been through this, or they have a friend whose friend has been through this, and completely innocently, they would be able to guide me right, or show me something that I might be missing. I've always been one to think that getting different perspectives can be helpful and is needed in order to grow and change.

But I think I've changed my mind on a very specific part of this: Talking about my relationship openly when there is an issue bothering me or something I'm struggling with. This year, someone tried to explain to me that every one's situations are different and by talking about certain things with certain people, I was ultimately comparing my situation to theirs and possibly developing expectations that could be outside of my own relationship. At the time, I was dead set that I was not COMPARING my relationship to anyone else's, instead I was seeking the experience from someone I cared about that had my best interest in mind.

Lately, however, when thinking about the experiences that came with this year, I've come to realize that no one else could possibly hold the answers I would have needed except the person I was with. But there's a catch: The person I'm with has to be willing to communicate about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just one person in a two person relationship, trying to read some one's mind and make important decisions single-handedly that impact both me and the person I love. I am totally aware that not every one's forte is communication. I love to talk, I love to be cheesy and be like "What are you thinking about?" and "Tell me something! Anything!" and I get that some people absolutely are not like that. But I am 300% certain that there are particular situations that MUST have two-way communication if something is going to work out.  

With all of this thought, I have found myself craving a kind of secret world, if that makes sense. One that only me and the person I love know about. A world that's so sure of itself, no outsiders stand a chance at interfering with it or altering it in any way. The intimate privacy between me and one other person that I care deeply for and that cares deeply for me.

I look forward to the time where I have another person to share that world with. Someone that looks forward to me and that world, too. Someone that is more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything, from our own problems, to their own problems, to my own problems. Another person that's fine discussing things, laying out the options, making a decision as a duo. Just two people, each with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most of all, care. Two people with care, each for the other one, enough to where we trust each other so much, respect for one another is never a question, but a way of life. Two people that won't buckle to outside opinions from family or friends, and not because their opinions are not valued, but because between the two of us, we can handle it. We are capable of our own decision making. We are the two people that know US best, we know OUR history, and OUR future, and what WE want and need. We shouldn't have to look elsewhere for advice and opinions, because we can look to each other and do it together.

Friday, December 20, 2013

New Year's Resolutions for My Entire Generation

I'm usually not one for New Year's Resolutions, because... today, though. But if someone held my teddy bear hostage or told me I could never drink an alcoholic beverage again unless I made promises to myself that will last no longer than the second month of the year, then fine, you win. But these little snippets of waystomakeyourselfbetter aren't just for me. I believe y'all should probably abide by them, as well, bcecause per usual, my blog is my outlet in order to shove my theories down your throat. Allow me to make you better. You can thank me later.

First of all, we should all vow to act our age. I don't care if you think that age is just a number. There's a reason older people are considered wiser people. Clearly, age is NOT just a number. It's a representation of the amount of experience someone has (or doesn't have); it's a prime example of how someone has grown (or hasn't really gown much at all). The way someone handles certain situations should be directly correlated with their age. So, yes, lets.

Let's all say fuck it, and pick a side. Who the hell decided that picking a side was such a terrible thing, anyway? Most likely, it was some very passive people pleaser that was too scared to upset someone. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I feel like we're all very intelligent people. We know right from wrong. Go ahead and pick a side. It's very freeing, I assure you.

At the risk of sounding cliche, let's treat people the way you would want to be treated. I'd say this one is pretty self explainatory, but somehow people are still getting it wrong day in and day out. It's really not a hard concept, I have faith in all of us.

Be a true friend and tell someone when they've fucked up. I am a firm believer in a true friend being someone that will call someone out on their bullshit, and let them know if they are really effing something up. A true friend is not someone that falls to the background and let's said friend make a huge mistake or be a total dick without a warning. People NEED to be told when they're being ridiculous. Who better to tell them than you?

Love the nice one, for once. It seems like all we do is fall for the jerks and the ones that are toxic for us. Why can't we just fall for the ones that wouldn't break our heart at every opportunity they got? The ones that know a good thing when they have it, and wouldn't do a single thing to ruin it. It might be scary. Hell, it WILL be scary. But sometimes scary is a perfectly normal thing. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to love the ones that love you. We were built to be loved, after all. Pick the one that knows how.

Let's all work to recognize the difference between being in love and almost everything else. Sometimes you think you're in love with someone and you're so pissed that it didn't work out. Then, you realize that wasn't being in love at all - that was just a brand new person in your life who introduced you to eggs benedict in a cute cafe and taught you that sick leave can be used to day drink on a Tuesday at noon. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, and sometimes we may actually be. But I've come to realize that being in love is so much more rare than we know. At first glance, if I took a long, hard look at my life, I could say I've been in love multiple times. Realistically, though?

Finally, I think we should all reward ourselves for the work we've put in to accomplish the rest of these. I know they are exhausting and honestly, accomplishing these things comes about with a lot of maturity. With that, I say we all vow to have more sex. And if you're any good at achieving what I've set forth for you here, chances are good you're having sex with the right person. Oh, but PROTECTED sex. Because I would also like to resolve not to expand the amount of baby pictures on my newsfeed. I told you you could thank me later.

Monday, December 16, 2013

They Call Me Crazy

They call me crazy.

I wish I could freeze every minute you spent,
telling me everything you knew I wanted to hear,
so I could revisit those moments immediately after,
and remind myself that these,
these are only lies.

With every question from me,
there was a promise from you.
Do you want to continue to date me? Yes, I promise that I do.
Are you interested in anyone else? No, I promise that I'm not.
Now is your opportunity to tell the truth. Take it. I promise that I am.
Promises.
Promises that you easily could have kept,
but none, none that you would.

The opportunity of a lifetime,
must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity,
or so the saying goes.
But what of a lifetime of opportunities seized?
Opportunities taken and misused.
Opportunities taken and destroyed.
Opportunities taken, taken, and taken,
without so much of a second thought.

There's been times when I thought twice, though.
When I look back and I want to change my own mind.
Yes, go to a simple lunch with your ex,
the same one you left me for once already.
Yes, don't invite me to go out with your friends,
the same ones that you've refused to introduce me to for weeks now.
Yes, I do understand that no significant others are going,
and that's why I'm not going.
But no, I don't want you to go,
and yes, I do want to go.

There's been times when I thought twice.
When I look back and I want to change my own damn mind.
But for what?
For the mere idea that it would've made a difference to you.
That maybe my lenience in our relationship could have made a difference in our relationship.
A difference in what?
A difference in your lies?
Or a difference in your cowardly lack of communication?
A difference in the way that you would take every single opportunity,
that I so wearily gave you in the first place,
and prove to me that you can prove absolutely nothing to me.
Prove to me that you will take, and take, and take.
Give.

Give is all that I did for you.
Give you opportunity, after opportunity,
after so many opportunities.

Now, I'm not sure.
But I hardly think that this is what they mean,
when they say that love is a game of give and take.

They call me crazy.
And you know, I think they could be right.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

10 Times That I Wished I Wasn't A Raging Homosexual

Even though I'm a lesbian, I haven't really taken the time to decide my thoughts on the whole issue of whether someone is BORN that way, or if they become that way, or even if they made the conscious choice to be that way because it looked like fun. The hows and whys of the issue don't fancy my interest. It's just the way it is and that's that. However, there are several times in my lesbo life that I have sat there and thought "if only I wasn't a raging homosexual..." 

Don't get me wrong. I don't ACTUALLY want to change the way I am. These seconds of questioning are just that. Seconds of questioning. It goes a little something like this: "Well...maybe I could just... I mean, guys are hot...when they wear skinny jeans... and have long hair... and when you can't really tell if it's a girl or a guy...is that weird?" or like this "He's got his shit together... maybe it doesn't matte- nope, no, Erica, no. There's still a penis." And then it's over. Just mere seconds of debate and I'm back to square one. Not even my Father's wish that I would "just find a nice boy" can change my feelings. Insecure boys lie and cheat, too, Father. But my Dad would be glad to know that there are some instances where I just wish I wasn't such a gay-wad.

1. When I realized I live in St. Charles, Missouri. Not because it's a bad place to live if you're gay and filming a documentary or something, because it's totally not (at least in my own experience). But because the population of lesbians of interest to me that reside in St. Chuck is like negative 6432. Unless you get off on "flipping" the youngin's, there are slim pickings in my 'hood. Granted, St. Louis is not far, but when you're already 6 drinks in, St. Louis is fucking far.

2. Almost every time I meet another lesbian. Just kidding. Kinda. But really, wouldn't that be some shit?

3. Every time I hear Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I don't care what any of you crazy Katy fans say, that song leaves legitimate lesbians with a horrible taste in their mouth, and so do girls who just kiss girls for the hell of it. Just because you got brave with a drink in your hand, and you hope your boyfriend don't mind it, that doesn't mean that lesbians everywhere don't cringe at the idea of you unintentionally making a mockery of their lifestyle for attention. Hash tag PREACH.

4. When people have to vote on whether or not I am allowed to be married. Because who the hell are you and why the hell does it matter to you who I marry?

5. When it becomes clear to me just how easy it is for my straight friends to pick people up. Not that picking people up is at the top of my hobbies list, but this is serious. Again, this might have a lot to do with geography, or the places that I hang out, but it is no secret that there are at least double the options for those looking for the opposite sex at any given time. WTF?

6. When people get drunk and start asking lesbian sex questions. If you're my BFF, or anyone I remotely care about, then sure, ask your little heart away. I have no qualms with enlightening you about my life. But if you just met me, and the conversation of choice is like "I've never met a lesbian before, how do you??? And how do you?? And scissoring, scissoring, scissoring??" Just stop and turn me straight, okay?

7. When I got a part-time job. I momentarily wished I was no longer a lesbian when I got a second job because it occurred to me that, for the first time in a really long time, I'd have to tell many new people that no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating a girl. You forget what it feels like to have to tell someone you barely know something that's so personal, all because they were just trying to be nice and get to know you. In the end, there was no harm done. It's just different. Besides, I've had a good streak of no one causing a stink about anything (as it should be), so I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone pulls a shank on my ass when I totally offend them with my lesbian tendencies.

8. When someone asks if I'm the "girl or the guy in relationships." I don't mean this in the sexual way - please refer to #6. This is a basic question, and I totally get why people ask it. But it does make me curse myself a little bit for the situation I am in. Not because I can't choose. But because I have to check my make-up, my nails, my long hair, mini-skirts and tights. And then I have to roll my eyes.

9. When I'm in a relationship and there's a bachelorette party for a mutual friend. OK, this might sound extremely petty at first glance. But it's a prime example of when, in a lesbian relationship, lines get blurry. If it was a girl and a guy in this situation, it would be clear who was to go to what. Not for same-sex couples, though. And a girls night? Or a night out with the boys? This stuff can really get in the way of a same-sex relationship if you don't know where the boundaries are.

10. When girls I'm trying to befriend automatically assume I want their body. I may think you're beautiful, because I do believe that of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I am at all into you physically. Okay, you're right, I'm sorry that you think that's harsh? Should I say that I AM into you physically? That makes you uncomfortable? No, it doesn't? You're ugly? Is that better? Still no? You're beautiful AS A PERSON and I don't want anything from you except a friendship? Does THAT make you happy? I mean, wait, what do you want from me here? I guess I don't need girl friends anyway...

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Overanalyzing The Fine Line Between Love & Hate in Relationships

As my Dad would say, fine lines and relationships are like assholes and humans: they all have them. I've already touched on a fine line in relationships that I consider to be a major one (here), but (unlike assholes and humans...), I am fairly certain there is more than just one fine line in a relationship. Au contraire, my good friends, there are several fine lines in relationships. The fine line between love and hate just happens to be a gigantic cliche and, to what I'm sure is a massive shock to my regulars, this is something I just so happen to be overanalyzing lately.

Now, I am not a hater of much. For what it's worth, I tend to be too much of a sucker to be much of a hater. I believe in second chances, and (apparently) I believe in third chances, too. I give the benefit of the doubt the majority of the time, and I happen to trust that people can change when they want to. However, just because I still idealize about these things doesn't make them actually true, and trust me when I say I've definitely come to know this.

I've never understood what it meant when someone said "there's a fine line between love and hate." Does it mean that they couldn't distinguish between the two? Because when I think about it, I may not always know when I love someone, but I definitely always know when I DON'T love someone. Or did they mean that you can love someone, all the while be completely suffocated by their love, thus forcing you to resent and, at times, hate them?

All of these theories could be spot on, but as you may have guessed, in true Erica fashion, I can't really put my finger on my exact thoughts on this topic. The fine line between love and hate is probably woven inside our emotions and our feelings for someone. But I don't really think that's enough. There's not too much I will be OK to say for certain unless a ton of overanalyzing has taken place. Overanalyzing to take place in 3...2...1...

First of all, let me make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I am by no means an advocate for hate. I mean, I think as a gay person it's been written in stone that I am 100% not allowed to hate a single thing. For the sake of all things realistic, the definition of hate is a "passionate dislike for someone." For the sake of this blog, I'd like to simply say it's just anger, or hurt, or being fucking pissed off. But unfortunately, I think the passionate disliking of someone is somewhat more than one person feeling anger or being hurt and being pissed off. I think it has to do with TWO people, not just one person taking all of the hate credit.

The LOVE in love and hate is not the typical love, where you can go days, weeks or months without speaking, then pick back up without skipping a beat. No, it's a love so much deeper that there's a pain in your heart making you retrace your steps in the situation, hopefully without regrets and with pride in the actions of your past.

And the HATE in love and hate is not the typical hate, where you can admit your "passionate dislike" for a person and carry on with your everyday life, without ever stopping to think how disliking someone can impact you or them. It's so much deeper than that. It's a pain in your heart making you hate the fact that you could possibly truly dislike someone you loved so much. It's not something you want, but just as falling in love with someone is out of our own control, so is the feeling of anger and hurtfulness.

Love and hate are emotions that every single human feels; they are emotions that are both common and rare all at the same time. The fine line between those emotions is what makes us different...How much can you love someone? Can you love them so much that you don't think you'd ever have it in you to hate them? Or does the deepness of your love depict how deep your dislike can be? If someone has enough power to make us feel love, what would stop them from making us feel such strong dislike? And if we can't let go of the love we have, how do we ever begin to let go of the hate?

Last but not least, if we can't let go of the love, and we can't let go of the hate, how do we determine which one it is that we're even holding on to in the end?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

A History Lesson in Ending Up With Me

There's a saying we've all probably heard a time or two in our lives:

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

This saying dates all the way back to the mid-1800's. Crazy, I know! Now, I'm by no means a history buff. But if something has been around that long, it's most likely for a reason, right? At least I would think so. When I think about this loved and lost bullshit, (apparently) cynical Erica rears her ugly head and I think to myself "who the fuck in their right mind wants to lose someone they love so they can say they've at least loved?!" That sounds completely absurd to someone such as myself. However, over time I think I've come to realize the REASONING behind that little diddy. Just like everything else in this thing we call life, it's to teach us shit. We are always supposed to be learning, in case you haven't figured this out yet. (You're welcome). But I think what some wise person back in the day was trying to say was it's better to have loved and lost because even though you lost something, and even though that's reeeeally effing hard to cope with, chances are, you learned SO MUCH from that person you loved and lost.

I've definitely done my fair share of learning lately. More specifically, I've learned so many things that I would say if I could tell the person that I ultimately end up with (that lucky bastard!) everything they will ever need to know about - you guessed it - ending up with me. More than anything, my lessons learned from the most important relationships in my life are the inspiration for this serious and totally legitimate nonsense. But please don't laugh when I tell you that the things I want to tell this wonderful, exciting, extremely good looking person all boil down to one thing: Don't go. I say this in the nicest, most sincere and most loving way possible. You'll see what I mean.

There will always be times when we dislike each other. I think it's totally normal for us to be all "I love you, but I don't have to like you right now" on each other. When you spend an obscene amount of time with one person, you share everything under the sun, and you absolutely have to consider their feelings in practically all of your life choices (have I told you why I'm single these days?), you are bound to dislike each other here and there. But don't go. We can work through that stuff because make-up sex is the best kind of sex (but only after I've had days to get over it). Am I right or am I right? There will always be times when we dislike each other, but please don't go.

I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them. I don't know what it is about the parents. I tend to be very awkward and timid, and that's not me at all. It could be because I know how much the opinions of MY family members matter to me, so I want to make a good impression on YOUR family, too, in case you are crazy like me and happen to value the opinions of your own family. Family is my everything, so you will totally get annoyed by them randomly popping in at our house, or how we still celebrate birthdays with presents, cake and ice cream even though we are all old as hell, and we have Sunday dinner many weeks at my parents house. Not to mention our annual family vacation where we pile as many people as we can into a 2-bedroom condo at the Lake of the damn Ozarks (yes, again). I get that it can be a lot to walk into. But please don't go. I will gladly go to your family dinners, on your family vacays and anything else that you want to drag me to. I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them, but please don't go.

At times, I'll be moody, overwhelming, and stubborn. What? Judgey, judgey. Don't lie, you will be all of those things, too, damnit. EVERYONE is all of those things at times, we are only human after all. But the good news is I don't hold grudges and I can laugh at the drop of a dime, so please don't go. I might be flawed, but I am laid back and I have a sense of humor to boot. Just smack my ass or ask me to pull your finger, and voila! MoodyoverwhelmingstubbornErica no more. Sometimes, I will hold on to us so tight that you will feel like you need to come up for air every 12 seconds, but it's not because I want to overwhelm you (even though I'm aware that's exactly what I do). It's because I am too scared to underwhelm you. With that said, please don't go.

There will always, always, ALWAYS be other people. Girls, guys, old friends, new friends, exes, families, blah blah blah. The list of people in our lives will always be large and in charge. I will most likely always be uncomfortable with you spending quality time with an ex, or with someone who doesn't respect me, you, and/or me and you. You can bet your ass I will tell you when I'm uncomfortable, as communication is my forte. I won't say it to be mean, I will say it so we can acknowledge it, fix it and move on. I will make every effort in the world to be prominent in the lives of the people that are most important to you. People and relationships are what life is all about. But what I would say to my special someone is don't go. I know other people will sometimes seem to be better than me, or a lifestyle with someone else might seem more appealing than ours from first glances - I'm no stranger to that whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' thing. But trust me, I will shit all over that grass if I have to if it means you will let me keep you. Let's make a conscious decision to be with each other, and only each other, and then let other decisions involving other people stem from this. There will always be other people, but think of me, and please don't go.

When you say something to me, I will believe you. Mind you, my girl-like instincts are like my gaydar- TOP FREAKING NOTCH. Moral of the story, don't tell me something unless you mean it whole heartedly because I will believe you. If I don't believe you, it's because I ALREADY KNOW you're not being honest. I have superb instincts, I got them from several unpleasant and unfortunate situations, but by God I am grateful because when my gut tells me something, my gut is spot on. Just be honest with me and I will be honest with you, but please don't go.

Nothing will ever be perfect. In fact, I'm absolutely positive that some times will be downright miserable, horrific and shitty as hell. It just happens, man. There will be times when you left water on the bathroom sink and I will call you expletives in my head. There will be times when I talk during my yawn and you will HATE that so much that you want to punch me square in the face. Those are the small things, though. There will be HUGE things, too. Like when one of us has to cut ties with friends that are no good for us now. There will be problems at work that get taken home with us even though we know so well that they shouldn't. There will be deaths - there will be coping with hard ass things. There will be stresses of everyday life, because, even though you will be one of the most important things in my life and I in yours, we won't be the only things in each others lives. It will never be perfect, and it will be really hard, but please don't go.

Please don't go. 

Sunday, November 17, 2013

A Lifehack in Learning

If you follow my blog, you might know that I haven't posted a single thing that I've written since August 24, 2013. That's almost three entire months of writing and never posting. It's not because I was being lazy (although I've definitely been lazier than usual these days), and it's not because what I'm writing means zilch to me (I realize zilch to me and zilch to you are probably much different...). I haven't posted a single thing I've written lately because I've come to find out that the shit that I write has consequences, no matter how truthful, honest and upfront it may be.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an immature teenager, I realize the things I do and say have consequences. This isn't a new concept to me. But it's almost as though people would prefer I write a complete lie if it meant it was going to save someone from feeling hurt from the truth. And, unfortunately, I am not capable of writing lies - not on my blog, not in my journal, not on my Facebook, and not even on someone else's Facebook. I am just not at all capable of sugar coating things. I'm a "give it to you straight" type of girl. I'm sorry, in between all this seriousness I had to make a lesbian joke. It wouldn't be my writing without one.

Honestly. I don't know how Taylor Swift lives with herself day in and day out. I mean, my blog of emotions has 100% less reach than her worldwide singles, and if she has no guilty conscious about the things that she's written, even if what's his face was ACTUALLY trouble when he walked in, then the girl is WAY LESS of a saint than we've painted her as. She's more evil than I am, if that's the case. I get that millions of dollars and a shit ton of fame probably serve her better than my current sitch, but still. Anyway, I digress...

What this has all boiled down to for me (I can't speak for TSwift) is that no matter how honest you are, it's really easy to look at yourself and feel guilty for what YOU'VE done (or written). Even if the person you were totally honest about did something that you deem worse, and more hurtful, it's still going to be easier to be hard on yourself for whatever mistake(s) you've made. But I guess that's the point of making mistakes - to learn from it all and try to not fucking do it all over again, right?

One could be nice to their self and justify this guilt with the fact that they are at least self aware. I recognize my mistakes and I see my pitfalls, my weaknesses and my complete and utter failures, okay? I. GET. IT. I see where I've effed up, at least. I have effed up amidst my efforts to try to finally show others where THEY HAVE effed up. But I guess therein lies the biggest mistake of all. I thought for a minute (or for years, rather, but that's neither here nor there) that with my words, I could finally really show someone how THEY have made a mistake. I thought that anything I had to say would be able to finally prove to them that the way they are is not how someone should be. As if my words would finally shed some light on their lifestyle and how shitty I think it is that they act a certain way. My mistake was trying to be that person that would make them want to change.

This was all a huge mistake because, as we all know, no one can change someone. THEY have to be able to change themselves. If they aren't happy, only they know what will make them happy. If they aren't secure in themselves, only they have the ability to figure that out. If they need to constantly run from things, they will most likely continue to run until they figure out why they run in the first place. Only they can change their self. As much as I would love to stick it to them hard with my witty and clever words, as much as I'd love for ME to be the girl that makes a person want to be different and better, me, myself and my words will never be able to do that.

What I say is the truth. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago, probably before I decided to make my innermost angsty emotions a publicly accessible forum and call everyone out that I thought deserved it (secretly, though. I mean, I give myself mad fucking props for the anonymity of the writing. GO ME!)...but I must apologize for being honest even though I know it hurts where the sun don't shine. I'm aware that while my words might not be any more important than the next guys, they are just as hurtful. However, I can assure you that a LIE would be even worse. Maybe not right this second, maybe not tomorrow, but let me tell you from personal experience, that a painful truth is not nearly as hurtful as a lie.

(Now... I get that some of you might be saying "then don't write anything at all..." and all I have to say to that is fuck off, smartass).  :D

Anyway, maybe all of this is perfectly okay. I can see where people thrive on being this person that MAKES other people want to be different and better. But maybe that theory is completely overrated. Maybe I don't need someone that needs ME to call them out when they are being immature and, for lack of a better term, a dick. Maybe what I need is someone that can also recognize their faults and their mistakes and change on their own because of them. Not someone that continues to do the same shitty things over and over and OVER again. I feel the guilt and the consequences from my mistakes and I've learned from them. I know I will make others and I will continue to learn from those, too. At least I sure the shit hope I can keep this up. I guess I will wait it out for someone else who has this little lifehack down pat, as well.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Actions and Words and Loud Speaking

If you would have asked me a year or two ago, I would have totally been like "Oh, actions speak louder than words, and you're saying this and doing that so either act louder or quiet the eff up."

Basically.

Whoever trademarked actions speak louder than words was not only probably extremely gullible, but I imagine they went their entire life ignoring what people said and only watching what people did. Unlike my one-to-two-year-old self, I'm no longer sold on the idea that actions speak louder than words. Instead, I prefer to obtain the healthiest balance possible.

Why does one thing have to be louder than something else, anyway? Why can't actions and words have the same value? I mean, if I was dating some extra hot girl, and she acted like she was all into me all the time by sending me beautiful flowers, and buying me fancy din dins, but every word out of her mouth was "I hardcore dislike your big ass. And I definitely despise the way you laugh." I mean...But her actions are speaking louder, right???? NO. But if she acts like she likes me, and she talks like she likes me, she most likely likes me. Like like like.

All I'm trying to say is in a real, and real healthy, relationship, a good balance is what works wonders. Of course, it would be AH-mazing if people could always act and speak in a coordinating manner, as to avoid all confusion. But, we are only human, and with that, we inevitably suck at relationships. So, that just can't happen. For the most part, we should be able to know how we feel. Then, we can 1) express how we feel (SAY WORDS) and 2) actually LIVE in a way that backs up what we say (ACTIONS). If there is ever a gap in what we say and what we actually do, then there's bound to be major problems. Because, well fuck, that's just confusing and annoying and ain't nobody got time for that.

So, here's to us human beings. Speakin' loud and actin' loud and coordinating the shit out of those two things so they actually make sense.

Besides, if actions REALLY spoke louder than words, people would charade their way through their wedding vows. And I can't stand charades, but I love weddings. That just won't work for me.

You're welcome.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

One of the Many Fine Lines in Relationships

The fine line in question here: The fine line between a significant other that challenges you and a significant other that competes with you.

My bottom line opinion (don't you know, telling you my opinion and why it's the right one is the biggest perk to having a blog): The person you're dating, and even more so, the person you are in a full-blown relationship with, should not be competing with you. However, someone that challenges you in relationships can be a great and exciting thing.

Here's the thing. If someone is constantly trying to one-up you, and they are tearing you down any chance they get, chances are you're still in high school and that person is your bitchy best friend that you won't have shit to do with once college comes around (I mean, not that I know by experience or anything). OR, worst case scenario, this person is your significant other. Chances are, this person competing with you is not someone that's in love with you. There's some underlying issue at hand when your significant other finds it difficult to be HAPPY for you when you deserve it. Whether it's a personal issue, or some resentment they have built up for you... regardless. It's not a healthy thing whatsoever in a relationship to be so competitive with your bitches that you would rather see them fail than succeed.

Where's this all coming from, you might ask? Let me tell you. It stems from a relationship where one party thinks that her style is waaaaay cooler than that of the other party; it stems from a relationship where one party is scared that having "mutual" friends will actually mean she'd be losing some, or that she'd have to share; it stems from a relationship where alllllll one party wants is a little support during her first 5K, and alllllll she gets is a glance back from half a mile ahead, and a speed increase so it becomes impossible to catch up.

That whole "don't walk in front of me, don't walk behind me" bullshit most likely came from this EXACT situation. It all started because one lesbian wanted another lesbian to run by her side during her first 5K. Instead, she got someone that seemed to want to beat her ass in the race more than support her while she almost died finishing it (a bit of an exaggeration, but hey, look here! Some people are way out of shape, Jack!).

A significant other that challenges you, on the other hand, is fabulous in my eyes! By challenge, I don't mean they disagree with every single statement you've ever made just because they can, and I don't mean they contradict your every thought because, heaven forbid, you ever be RIGHT. I mean that they think differently than you; They open your eyes to new things that you might find hard to fully grasp. They show you things that you're missing - either for your eyes to see, or for your mind to see. They challenge you by having their own minds, their own opinions, and their own sense of self, all the while being completely open to you and yours. 

I realize my definition of someone that challenges you is probably more along the lines a fairy tale prince(ss) challenger and it might be hard to come by in real life. But if situations were perfect, this is how I imagine they'd be. 

Perfect, fairy tale situation or not. A nice challenge to your point of view, or the ability to show you something you may not ever think of, is always a refreshing thing from someone you love. It keeps you on your toes, and if nothing else, I'd think it would help you appreciate the person you have by your side even more.

The lesson to take away from this: If you find yourself competing with your significant other, stop and think about WHY you're doing this. Are you jealous of them? Resenting them for something? Just wish they'd stop being so fucking amazing? It happens. But it's YOUR significant other. Would you want anything less than an amazing significant other? No. You want the god damn BEST person for yourself, and for them. Support them. Challenge them in healthy ways. Be there to watch them succeed, and help them up when they don't. If you don't do it, someone else will.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Do's and Don'ts of Being Attractive

As you know, being on the prowl can be BRUTAL. Knowing the correct things to do, say, text, email, tweet, and 'Like' can be not only impossible, but definitely exhausting. If you're like me and tend to overanalyze/think every single thing. Although, I must admit that I've chilled out a shit ton from even just a few years ago when it comes to getting my panties in a wad analyzing every little thing. It's amazing what love and loss and can do to a gal. Sigh.

If you want the short and sweet version, or the Do's and Don'ts rather, of, well, basically, being attractive... or to NOT be so superficial about things, being a person of legitimate quality that someone completely wonderful will want all of one day, look no further, my friend. Twentysomething blogger that likes to thrust her opinions upon any reader she can to the rescue!

The Do's and Don'ts of Being a Person of Legitimate Quality AKA Being Attractive

DON'T be lazy. Laziness is not hot. Period. Have a little gumption, why don't you!? Yes, a work ethic is always an important factor, but even further than that, how about a FUN ethic? Why isn't that a thing? Know how to have a good time when your work day ends. WOOHOO, so you can bust your ass at a job all week and make a little money. Big fucking deal. Anyone that wants anything slightly good out of their life has to do that, too. Just like every other adult, I work the bare minimum 40-hours a week, I work out daily, I manage to go out here and there, I plan get togethers, spend a bunch of time with my family, and somehow, through all of this, I even manage time to shave my vagina. Pretty impressive, eh? All I'm saying here is even though you have a job, don't let that consume you. Don't be lazy. Have fun, plan things, go places, make new friends and actually DO things with them. Don't get so content that you amount to someone that works, sleeps, and eats. 

DO be honest. Positive honesty, or negative honesty, honesty is always the answer. The fucking Goddess of Love wasn't joking around when she said that trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship (I'm not ACTUALLY sure that she ever mentioned trust, but I mean, she should've). Trust is the LAST thing that needs to go on a back-burner in terms of relationships. If you can't be trusted, or trust the person you're with, what kind of person will you amount to, and what kind of relationship will you ever be capable of having? 

DON'T do drugs. Just say no to dope. Zack Morris said so.

DO laugh. It shows that you aren't too cool, and that you aren't too serious. Laugh at yourself, laugh at other people, make light of any situation and laugh at anything you can. People love making other people laugh, and let's be honest, laughing is much better than crying. If you were a person that someone could only stay mad at for like five minutes, because it only takes you that long to make them laugh again, no one would ever be mad at you for longer than five minutes. Think about it. Sometimes the best thing you can do in life is laugh, even when nothing at all is funny. :)

DON'T be afraid to make grand gestures. If you follow this blog (or if you've ever read ANY of them...) you probably know that, if grand gestures had a fan club, I would be the damn President of that ish! I'm all about showing how you feel, no matter what it pertains to. Go big or go home. Money is no object (......). It's so exciting! And eventful! People NEED excitement in their life, and if you are someone's #1, or if you want to be, you need to be the sole source of their excitement. If you aren't showing someone how you feel, in the biggest, best way you know how, as often as possible, they're going to assume you don't want to. And there's nothing exciting about that.

DO stick up for yourself. You know what you need, at least a good majority of the time you do. It might take some trial and error, but you eventually get it right. Once you do, don't give that up. One of the sexiest things in the WORLD is someone that knows what's good for them, and they aren't afraid to be upfront about it. If someone doesn't respect your need for attention, or your need for your space and your independentness, they don't deserve you. You need someone that can handle YOU, and that entails ALL of you, and EVERY thing YOU stand for, need, and desire. Someone will be up for that challenge because it will all be worth it to them.

DON'T back out on your word. Compromise is a bitch. We all know this. If humans were born with the skill of compromising, we'd exit the womb with a ring on our finger and a significant other up our asshole. Seriously. THEY made it this difficult to teach us shit. We have to learn to do all of these things the right way before something finally sticks for us. Don't bail, don't be selfish, be flexible when needed, do something that's important to someone else simply BECAUSE it's important to them. They'll love you for it. 

DO what's best for you. :) What's supposed to happen will happen regardless. 

Thursday, February 28, 2013

What I Tell Those That Are Younger Than Me About Money

It's the root of all evil. Right? That's how the saying goes, anyway. And I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREE. I know, I know. That might make me more of an AWFUL person than it does anything half-way positive, but hey, it is what it is.

I'm not irresponsible. Let's get that out there, first and foremost. I've never been a huge saver, nor have I been one to blow my money on useless, needless, way-out-of-my-means material things. I own my own home. That makes me legit, right? I despise purchasing electronic things - which is evident by my 1950's-ness 19-inch television currently tackin' up my cute living room. Electronics are expensive. I don't find those purchases fun whatsoever. (But, I love electronic GIFTS! Those are *free!*) Even outside of electronics, I somehow refrain from over-indulging in my expensive hobbies like crafting, for example. Lord knows, Martha Stuart is somewhere-maybe incarcerated, who knows-laughing at all those middle aged scrapbooking/card-making suckers. I don't allow myself to purchase all of the HOT workout clothes I hunt down, even though I torture myself by seeking it out, staring at it via the Interwebs, then never actually being able to purchase these things (if you know Lululemon, you know what I'm talking about here.) Given these few examples, I think I've proven my exceptional willingness to not blow my wad on unnecessary things. I'm curtsying right now.

With all of that said, I'm no expert on money. I'm a 20something, after all, and if you ask me, it's still OK for me to be a little financially UNsavvy. But the time's a wastin' and soon, I'll wake up a broke 40-year-old if I continue down this destructive path. Alright, that's a little dramatic, and it's really not even close to THAT bad, but still. I'm instilling fright in the youngins, don't ya know.

If ever I'm asked by anyone younger than me, I already prepared a very practical answer for all of their financial inquiries. And if ever I have children of my own (God. Bless. Ed.), I'm already 99 percent certain of what I would tell them. There is a secret to being financially savvy in your twenties. And it is literally one piece of advice: don't go to college.

You might think this is bad advice. Because, well, let's be honest, it's really, really, horrible advice, especially coming from someone that has a Masters degree. It's maybe the shittiest advice a young person in today's world needs to receive. But seriously, college breaks yo' ass. It might not seem like it when you are having the fanciest time of your life and spending that Chase student loan drinking studying abroad somewhere fancy. But trust me in that you have to pay for that fancy 20th bottle of fancy French wine eventually. Fancy.

I'm typically the "it's just money, go big or go home" type, and I absolutely HATE that "I don't have the money" is an acceptable excuse in today's world. I like to do lots of activities. I like concerts, and traveling, and god forbid, I like fucking nice things, man. I don't have cheap taste, and that's a really good thing. Even if my income at the current time doesn't condone this luxurious lifestyle, someday it will and I will LIVE. IT. UP. in every way I know how. But for now, I really just wanted to vent in order to portray my hatred for Chase and the smooth way that student loans manage to throw a rather expensive kink in my snobby taste. Even with my salary-based government job.

In conclusion, if you're young, please disregard my advice above and consider this the revised version: DO go to college. But only if a) your parents are buyin', 2) you are a smart cookie and got a full ride or some shit, or c) you're a drug dealer, dating a sugar daddy you found here, or picking a career that will ACTUALLY make you a substantial amount of money within, let's just say (for no reason whatsoever), 6 months (yep, that's all you got, kids.) of graduation.

Otherwise, catch ya on the broke side, suckas. At least I won't be alone.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out

No, this isn't a trick! I know what you're thinking. This cannot possibly be a blog about anything other than relationships/dating/sex/lesbians/monogamy/more relationships/more sex. Alas, my frands, it most certainly is a blog about something else! Hip, hip, HOORAY!

Working out has so many benefits. I think we've all been drilled long enough in our lives to know that we should get our asses to the gym, and get our asses outside, blah, blah, blah. We KNOW working out is great for us. What people sometimes fail to mention is why working out completely fucking sucks for us. But Erica doesn't fail, damn you.

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out:

  1. Close Proximity. When I'm at the gym and I can hear the guy on the treadmill next to me talking to himself more than I can hear AWOLNATION in my ear (my flavor of the week!), the treadmills are too damn close. When I'm gagging from inhaling your cologne, the treadmills are too damn close. Finally, if your sweat is swinging around and I happen to feel it land on my arm, the treadmills are too damn close. Sensing the trend? Sometimes ONE LESS machine in the gym can open up a world of possibilities. We are trying to work out, after all, not get all up on each other.
  2. You have to wear clothes. Work out clothes can seriously be some of the most uncomfortable clothes EVER. If they're too tight, too baggy, to restricting, too spandexy (eek), they can be more of hindrance than a help. I feel so strongly about this that I even tweeted @oldnavy tonight while working out letting them know how grateful I was for their workout capris. I know... I'm a social media whore.
  3. Results. After you get done with an intense work out, and look in the mirror, and you expect to see Allison Williams, or Zosia Mamet, (or practically anyone on GIRLS besides Lena Dunham), but you still kind of see Lena Dunham. Not that Lena Dunham isn't beautiful, because she most definitely is beautiful. But ol' girl doesn't exactly scream "I work out!" The results take for. ever. and that's no secret. 
  4. Not getting to the gym. If you're like me and have a very strict routine that you absolutely need to abide by in order to get shit done, then....let's just say, a 24-hour spell of food poisoning, can throw a giant wrench in your work out routine. Yes, this did just happen to me. Good news is food poisoning does wonders for weight loss...
  5. Missing something. How many times have you gotten to the gym, or pulled into the park for a jog, and suddenly realized you left your cell phone at home? Or even worse, your head phones. Shit happens. And this shit is almost impossible to recover from. When I'm music-less on my work outs, good luck getting me to last longer than 20 minutes doing any activity whatsoever. Well... maybe not ANY activity whatsoever... 
Shit. I just made it a blog about sex.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Why "Dating" Sucks Ass

I have always been the relationship type. I have said it a thousand times in this blog, and I will never hesitate to admit again that I have a serious disorder of the one-track mind. I am no good at juggling multiple people. I totally, completely, without a doubt whatsoever, fucking suck at dating. Sure, I love spending time with lots of interesting people, and why, yes, of course, I would love to bang every interesting person I come in contact with (I talk a big talk...). But I have this thing... it's a very difficult concept these days... but I despise the idea of being into more than one person at a time. Not only that, but I also despise when people I AM interested in are seeing me, that hot girl, and that hot girl, and oh, that one, too. I like one person at a time, and, unfortunately, I expect the same. If you want to know why I am the way I am, it's really rather simple: I expect way too much attention to be one of many. I'm not ashamed!

However, even with my own theories and realities when it comes to modern-day dating, I still give mad props to those people that I come across that live to date multiples. Somehow, there are people that manage to simultaneously text two or three prospects, all the while remembering which night is booked with which girl, which girl it was that had that giant love of flowers & which girl was completely allergic to them, and which thing it is that totally turns which girl on. I mean, just thinking about all of that shit makes me want to go to bed and never romanticize about anyone EVER again.

Holidays. In my eyes, the Holidays would be the absolute worst time to be seeing more than one person. Holidays as a typical dater equals even more family get togethers, spending money on even more gifts for everyone you're currently sharing sheets with, and, not to mention, every Saturday in December will consist of ice skating and hot chocolate. I mean, if you want to make it easier on yourself, invite all the chicks you are talking to to go ice skating with you on the same night! GENIUS. You can always just say "I'm going ice skating with a group tonight. I'd love it if you'd join us!" I bet they would have no clue.

You know what else effing sucks titties about dating more than one person at once? Two words. SOCIAL. MEDIA. Although it stinks, you have to admit that social media makes these, Daters of Multiples, we shall call them, even more credit worthy. How the H-E-double hockey sticks does someone not only manage, but actually feel legit about, checking in with Chick #1 on Friday, posting a picture with Chick #2 on Saturday night, and tweeting at Chick #3 when they get home from date night with Chick #2? You still following? Yea, me either! How do THEY follow it?!

If I was a Dater of Multiples committing the acts previously mentioned, I'm almost positive that with some of the Facebook creepers I got all up in my grill all of the time, I would do nothing except answer questions in order to explain myself come Sunday evening. And, if I'm not lucky enough to have friends that ask me questions, I'm almost even more positive that the Facebook-wide assumption would be made that I'm just a slut playin' people like I'm Tech N9ne (...cause I'm a wicked thug and I throw away my ticket stub... don't act like you don't know the jam!)

I know what you're thinking. "This is the whole point of DATING!" Not to be tied down to one person, and having fun with lots of people until you are ready to pick JUST one. But the way I see it, if you are seeing someone that you are seriously interested in, you won't feel the NEED to see other people. In my experience, if there's a hot girl, and I am thoroughly enjoying my time with her, both at dinner and in bed, whhhhhy would I need to do double the work with yet ANOTHER girl?

What can I say? I suppose I'm a minimalist. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to try to maneuver several dates into my alreadyjampackedwithmyownshit schedule. Maybe deep down, I'm seriously jealous that I am not capable of dating 3, 4, 5 people at once.

Unless, of course, those 3, 4, or 5 people are ONLY seeing me. :D