Tuesday, August 23, 2016

The Downright Real

It's been a SUPER long time since I typed up a nice, witty blog. I was feeling a little feisty (AKA hateful) today so here we are!

We've all heard that social media is just the "Highlight Reel" of someone's life. I completely agree with this notion. However, being the realist that I am, I find the concept to be quite unacceptable. I mean, lives are DRASTICALLY changing, for better or for worse, each and every second of every single day. Whether it be from something in or out of someone's control, completely on purpose or totally on accident. There's no way to stop the good and the bad of the world from happening to you.

If you are getting all of your information on someone via Facebook, chances are, it's only the good that you will learn about them. I see engagements and weddings, babies and kids growing up. Selling houses and buying houses and cars and vacations and new pets and new jobs and SO MANY GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING. But, at the risk of prompting some baby daddy drama and things a little TMI (even for me), I would like to suggest the Highlight Reel gain a twin sister: the Downright Real.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a horrid person. I am always very happy for my Facebook friends who are getting engaged, married, having babies and buying mansions, etc.. I have no issues being happy for people when they're successful and happy for themselves. But frankly, I would LOVE to see some good ol' realistic bullshit on my News Feed for a change. Some glimmer of hope that I'm not the only person coping with a really shitty hand today. Please know that I'm not WISHING bad things upon you. But I will say... I will never know if you have to make up something halfway horrible just to make me feel better about my crap solid shit life right now, I am grateful.

For instance, what does a gal need to do in order to see some foul-worded texts from your girlfriend after you left your dirty clothes on the floor? Why can't you post the pile of shitty diapers you had to change today? Your newborn baby is cute and all, but you know what's NOT cute about a newborn baby? Newborn baby shitty diapers. Bring 'em on. Oh, the things I would do just to see that you, like the rest of us, are just as annoyed with your waytoodrunk significant other. Instead, you choose to post only the BEFORE photos. Why you gotta skeet us like that? Or heaven forbid, what does it take to see someone posting a status owning up to completely fucking something up instead of a status about just hoooooow gorgeously kiiiiiind this world is? We all know that this world is not always kind. Life is not always a beach (no matter how much you Instagram one). Sometimes, life is a complete and utter bitch.

All of this negative wishful thinking could just be the state of mind that I'm in lately given my current circumstances. As someone who isn't afraid to share my world, I can recognize when my friends are the same way and appreciate that you can share with me. But it's not really sharing your world if you're only showing us the highs. The ups are only half of your world. You can't fool us all by only showing us your happy. We are all in this sometimes high and sometimes low life together. And it's time we start acting like it. Tell me your lows and let's cheers to those for a change. They're a better reason to drink, anyway.

The Downright Real

Monday, January 27, 2014

I Didn't Know It Was Needed, But In Defense of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Am I the only same-sex oriented person that isn't mad at Macklemore? According to a recent Thought Catalog post, and some not-so-recent-but-still really angry tweets from Le1f (a queer rapper, who knew?), hating on Macklemore because he is a "straight white dude" and he supports equal rights is the new jig. Because THAT makes sense. Since when does speaking out for what you believe in and happen to be passionate about result in a backlash of support? Actually, probably since forever, now that I mention it. It's no secret that you will most likely offend someone by speaking out about an issue. But to be upset over something like THIS is just ignorant, in my opinion.

Now, I say this only from my own knowledge, and I'd like to put it out there that "my own knowledge" doesn't do anyone justice in this sitch. I'm not, by any means, a rap/hip-hop guru, but I like to think that I'm culturally sound and I, at least, know enough to know that I had never even heard of this Le1f rapper until exactly 10 minutes prior to writing this blog. I'm a white lesbian whose CD player currently houses KelClark and a mix of today's Top 20, so to think I would ever get involved in a debate having anything at all to do with rap/hip-hop is a little shy of insane. I had just enough time to search for Le1f on YouTube and Google, and listen to Le1f's song that was apparently "ripped off" for Thrift Shop, and those investigations alone were enough to allow me to make up my mind on the issue. This whole controversy struck a chord with my lesbian ass and I felt, as a complete nobody, I needed to defend Macklemore & Ryan Lewis because, without further need for an explanation, they are doing damn great things for mankind.

I get it. Le1f is the EPITOME of everything Macklemore represents in his song "Same Love." He's an African American gay rapper. But unlucky for Le1f, Macklemore just so happens to be doing a better job at repping that ideal to the public. Not to drop down a few notches on the maturity spectrum, but this entire battle (which seems to be one-sided with no rebuttal from Macklemore in sight) just makes Le1f seem a little butt hurt that he isn't scoring millions of hits on YouTube or snatching up awards left and right. We all know the saying, everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame; it just seems like Le1f is wasting his on making a poor name for himself by fighting a really great, brave thing instead of embracing Macklemore & Ryan Lewis as people that are shedding a positive light on the lifestyles of people JUST. LIKE. HIM.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are not only expressing acceptance of same-sex marriage, interracial couples, and equal rights overall. They are proving that you don't have to BE what you believe in just to make a difference. As a woman that's banking on having the ability to marry my (read: really hot and extremely wonderful but has yet to exist) girlfriend someday, I am so grateful for people like Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, who happen to be largely in the public eye right now, and are using that fame and publicity for a great cause.

Besides, what would this scenario look like if it was the other way around? Two white, straight men shooting down equality and publicizing the idea that it's completely okay to place hate, harsh judgment and legal bans on people that don't possess the same skin color or the same sexual preference. Does that sound like a better alternative?

With that said, let's all - rapper (like Le1f), Project Manager (like me...), gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, white, black, yellow, spray-tan orange, like everyone, ever - try to pick our battles wisely and be proud to have people in the spotlight that are so open-minded, accepting, and eager to make a difference in the world.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

That Time of the Month: A Guide For Men

I think I can speak for every woman in the world when I say that when it's That Time of the Month, we want to curse the world up, down, and sideways. Men, no matter what you say, you just don't understand the utter shit that we women have to endure just to someday possibly bring your sperm to life. I'm here to help drive home what every woman wants you to know for That Time of the Month.

1. When you think it's That Time of the Month, automatically add one week at the beginning, and one week at the end, and THAT is That Time of the Month. No, no. It's not just one week, gentlemen. Side affects of That Time of the Month leak into almost 3 weeks out of the month. Better get used to it.

2. We don't want to have sex. Because that's disgusting. And if you do have sex during this time, you're disgusting. I'm sorry, ladies. There has got to be a line to your freakishness. It just has to stop somewhere.

3. When a woman is pissed at you, NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER ask her "is it that time of the month for you!?" I'm not even going to get into why you shouldn't do this. Just fucking don't do it.

4. Things that have probably never ached on a woman before will ache during That Time of the Month. Literally, the possibilities are endless. Cramps and headaches, obvi. But the list goes on: her back might hurt, or she might just feel extremely tired, she might get the chills or feel feverish. If it's attached to her body, the chances of it aching at one point or another are good.

5. A woman could eat nothing but lettuce for the entire month, but she will still feel bloated as hell during That Time of the Month, and there's nothing you can do or say to make that go away. Just give her chocolate and ice cream, and while we're at it, flowers, and go about your business.

6. I bet you never knew we could twist our bodies into pretzels just to give ourselves relief. There's a reason we are curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the night, and it's because our damn uterus is bleeding out, causing horrible crampage, and we apparently can't relax unless we look like we are deformed.

7. I'm sorry if you think there's nothing hot about a heating pad in or around our bed, but can you warm my pelvic area with your love? No. You can't. So this heating pad will stay right here. Thanks.

8. Crying can happen at absolutely any time. A Facebook status, seeing a baby, a song, a movie, making breakfast, missing a call, ANY. TIME. If you think you're being funny, you're probably on the verge of making a woman cry.

9. If a woman is single, and you're, I don't know, her best man friend or something, she's probably cursing her ex. Then missing her ex. Then cursing her ex. Then crying over her ex... Your job is this: Remind her it's her ex for a reason, and buy her alcohol. (read: Then hide her phone).

10. The first day of That Time of the Month is the worst day. If you were smart, you'd note this date for future reference, and just avoid women at all costs during this time. You've been warned.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Steve Says We Have to Trust in Something

This quote has completely resonated with me lately and it's helped me realize some things. Recently, I've had some friends that break my heart just by talking about their current relationship status, or why something isn't working out for them at work, for example. Maybe it's just the age we're at; that pivotal time in life we're taught that we are supposed to be figuring shit out. Things like what work we want to be tied to, or what person we want to settle down with. But even if we think we have it all figured out, there's always kinks in the plan. Things never go as smooth as they do in our own minds. It's like they say, there's no point in planning because what's meant to happen is going to happen, regardless. But for someone like me, and I THINK for some of my friends, as well, not having a plan isn't something we're great at coming to terms with. Maybe it's not so much a plan that we need, as it is a well-thought out order of everything in our lives.

I've decided lately that no matter how much I plan something, and no matter how much I WANT something, hard work and an A for effort can only take me so far. I've learned that since I can't control anything or anyone, like good ol' Steve Jobs says, I just need to trust in something instead. For me, I want to trust in what I deserve. Call it karma, if you want, but I want to know what I'm looking for in a person, and I want to know what I deserve in a person, just like I want to know what I deserve in my career, in friendships, and in life in general.

For me, at this point in my life, this isn't the pivotal age to be figuring EVERYTHING out. It's only the time to be figuring out what I deserve and what I'm aiming to achieve and who I'm hoping to notsettlebutsettledownwith. And that's perfectly okay. It's totally FINE to not have a significant other, or my dream job, or my dream car - things that I know I would love to have someday, but it's not right this second and that's alright. That way, when I actually need to figure something out for good, not only will I have a great starting point, I will have a very well-thought out idea of what exactly I deserve.  

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Reflecting for Reflection's Sake

With the new year and all, I get that it's a total time for reflection. I've seen what "sucked in 2013!" or the things that made 2013 the "best. year. ever." via social media, and either way, somehow they managed to sum up an entire year in one Facebook status. It's a bit of a relief when you look around you and you realize that, right along with so many other people your age, it's normal if you're not exactly where you thought you'd be by this time in your life. It might be your career that's got you down, or your lack of a career, at that. Or maybe it's the fact that you thought you'd be settled down with #1 by now, contemplating the important things in life like what color to paint your dining room and what curtains make your ceilings look taller.

I wonder if all of this reflection, even though obviously a result of a new year, is also a single twentysomething, with no children, and a little fear of my future self, acknowledging the fact that I still have a small window of time to make drastic changes in life without having an impact on anyone else. I've always been one to think that with deep reflection, comes deep change. But, and there's always a but, maybe I've changed my mind, and deep change isn't what I, or people in general, need in times like this.

Let's just reflect for reflection's sake. For me, reflection has become an act of just simply taking a look back, carrying certain things with you and letting certain things go as you move forward. Maybe it's time we start taking this reflection business a little less serious. We're sure giving it a lot of credit these days, when really, WE are the ones doing the damn thing. Let's decide that big life changes are overrated for a change, and let's not attempt at changing ourselves so drastically. Of course everyone should always be working to improve upon their self. I'm definitely an advocate for self improvement. But just because it's a new year, and we've all spent so much time looking back at what's brought us to where we are right this second that we have actually started to be sick of ourselves, that doesn't mean we need to pressure ourselves to make changes. There are no "Quick Wins" in life. No big solutions to make us better people. It's the small solutions, the day by day things that make us who we want to be. It's the growing that changes us, not being fully grown.

Look at it this way...How likely is it finding love in 2014 will make YOU feel better about YOURself on a daily basis? You can't set a goal for something like that, it happens without your consent. How quickly do you think you'll be able to really let go of your guilt and your regrets that keep you a little peeved at life? These things are big and important for many reasons, and they should very-well be on your list of things to accomplish if that's what fancies you. But what's more important than these things is the small stuff in your day that combine in one huge way to build who you are as a person. It's the small changes that really contribute to a person's well-being. Small changes like wearing high heels and lipstick because, while small, those things make you feel more confident. Small changes like taking MORE time off work to have a mental health day or to just BE - Be who you want to be when you don't have to answer to someone, don't have to dress up, don't have to leave the couch. Just BE. Small changes like taking LESS time off work because well, you should just go to work already. Things like finding NEW work because you're more than what you're doing. Say no to things that will make you want to apologize to someone later. Doing what you want doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. Things like mentally telling yourself to 'STOP' when you're thinking negatively, and things like taking a hiatus from social media because compare, compare, compare.

These small things make you who you are more than any love that you could find should. They make you who you are more than any guilt or regrets should. There's no reason to have one or two massive goals in mind when you want to become a better person. Be good to yourself by recognizing the small things that make you who you are, and what makes you better day in and day out. Here's a hint: It will never reside in, revolve around, or even come close to including someone else. If it does, you're doing it wrong.

Monday, December 23, 2013

I'm Looking Forward To It

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a very open person. Shocked, right? I consider myself to be pretty outgoing and there's not a whole lot I wouldn't talk about with another person. But lately, I've been doing a ton of thinking on my own, and trying to look INSIDE for the answers for a change. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past few months, or the nearing end of the year, but I've been doing a bit of soul searching in order to get my mind right, if you will. As you know, I use this blog as an outlet for myself, and you can tell by my posts that my mind never stops. I'm always thinking and analyzing. But I wanted to take some time to share something different besides a love-related theory I've crafted up so cleverly in my own crazy head. This isn't exactly anything profound or life-changing. Instead, it's really something I've come to grasp over the span of the past year, and it's allowed me to change the way I think in terms of what's next for me.

You see, I am so close with so many people in life. I have a big, yet very close family, and I have some wonderful friends that I just adore. It's very important to me that they know what's happening in my world and that I know what's happening in theirs. I personally like to believe that you only become closer with people once you can open up with them and vice-versa. With that said, I never typically have second thoughts about asking for advice from other people about my relationships. It is never out of ill intent that I would talk to people about things going on, whether they are positive things or negative things. I wouldn't want to paint a negative light on the person that I care so much for to my family or friends, but I was seeking advice. It just seemed like the logical "girl thing" to do, to talk to my close friends, talk to my sisters, or talk to my Mom. The people I look up to, think fondly of and admire could surely be able to help me get through some issues in the right way. Certainly, THEY have the experience that I possibly lack, as they've probably been through this, or they have a friend whose friend has been through this, and completely innocently, they would be able to guide me right, or show me something that I might be missing. I've always been one to think that getting different perspectives can be helpful and is needed in order to grow and change.

But I think I've changed my mind on a very specific part of this: Talking about my relationship openly when there is an issue bothering me or something I'm struggling with. This year, someone tried to explain to me that every one's situations are different and by talking about certain things with certain people, I was ultimately comparing my situation to theirs and possibly developing expectations that could be outside of my own relationship. At the time, I was dead set that I was not COMPARING my relationship to anyone else's, instead I was seeking the experience from someone I cared about that had my best interest in mind.

Lately, however, when thinking about the experiences that came with this year, I've come to realize that no one else could possibly hold the answers I would have needed except the person I was with. But there's a catch: The person I'm with has to be willing to communicate about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just one person in a two person relationship, trying to read some one's mind and make important decisions single-handedly that impact both me and the person I love. I am totally aware that not every one's forte is communication. I love to talk, I love to be cheesy and be like "What are you thinking about?" and "Tell me something! Anything!" and I get that some people absolutely are not like that. But I am 300% certain that there are particular situations that MUST have two-way communication if something is going to work out.  

With all of this thought, I have found myself craving a kind of secret world, if that makes sense. One that only me and the person I love know about. A world that's so sure of itself, no outsiders stand a chance at interfering with it or altering it in any way. The intimate privacy between me and one other person that I care deeply for and that cares deeply for me.

I look forward to the time where I have another person to share that world with. Someone that looks forward to me and that world, too. Someone that is more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything, from our own problems, to their own problems, to my own problems. Another person that's fine discussing things, laying out the options, making a decision as a duo. Just two people, each with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most of all, care. Two people with care, each for the other one, enough to where we trust each other so much, respect for one another is never a question, but a way of life. Two people that won't buckle to outside opinions from family or friends, and not because their opinions are not valued, but because between the two of us, we can handle it. We are capable of our own decision making. We are the two people that know US best, we know OUR history, and OUR future, and what WE want and need. We shouldn't have to look elsewhere for advice and opinions, because we can look to each other and do it together.

Friday, December 20, 2013

New Year's Resolutions for My Entire Generation

I'm usually not one for New Year's Resolutions, because... today, though. But if someone held my teddy bear hostage or told me I could never drink an alcoholic beverage again unless I made promises to myself that will last no longer than the second month of the year, then fine, you win. But these little snippets of waystomakeyourselfbetter aren't just for me. I believe y'all should probably abide by them, as well, bcecause per usual, my blog is my outlet in order to shove my theories down your throat. Allow me to make you better. You can thank me later.

First of all, we should all vow to act our age. I don't care if you think that age is just a number. There's a reason older people are considered wiser people. Clearly, age is NOT just a number. It's a representation of the amount of experience someone has (or doesn't have); it's a prime example of how someone has grown (or hasn't really gown much at all). The way someone handles certain situations should be directly correlated with their age. So, yes, lets.

Let's all say fuck it, and pick a side. Who the hell decided that picking a side was such a terrible thing, anyway? Most likely, it was some very passive people pleaser that was too scared to upset someone. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I feel like we're all very intelligent people. We know right from wrong. Go ahead and pick a side. It's very freeing, I assure you.

At the risk of sounding cliche, let's treat people the way you would want to be treated. I'd say this one is pretty self explainatory, but somehow people are still getting it wrong day in and day out. It's really not a hard concept, I have faith in all of us.

Be a true friend and tell someone when they've fucked up. I am a firm believer in a true friend being someone that will call someone out on their bullshit, and let them know if they are really effing something up. A true friend is not someone that falls to the background and let's said friend make a huge mistake or be a total dick without a warning. People NEED to be told when they're being ridiculous. Who better to tell them than you?

Love the nice one, for once. It seems like all we do is fall for the jerks and the ones that are toxic for us. Why can't we just fall for the ones that wouldn't break our heart at every opportunity they got? The ones that know a good thing when they have it, and wouldn't do a single thing to ruin it. It might be scary. Hell, it WILL be scary. But sometimes scary is a perfectly normal thing. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to love the ones that love you. We were built to be loved, after all. Pick the one that knows how.

Let's all work to recognize the difference between being in love and almost everything else. Sometimes you think you're in love with someone and you're so pissed that it didn't work out. Then, you realize that wasn't being in love at all - that was just a brand new person in your life who introduced you to eggs benedict in a cute cafe and taught you that sick leave can be used to day drink on a Tuesday at noon. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, and sometimes we may actually be. But I've come to realize that being in love is so much more rare than we know. At first glance, if I took a long, hard look at my life, I could say I've been in love multiple times. Realistically, though?

Finally, I think we should all reward ourselves for the work we've put in to accomplish the rest of these. I know they are exhausting and honestly, accomplishing these things comes about with a lot of maturity. With that, I say we all vow to have more sex. And if you're any good at achieving what I've set forth for you here, chances are good you're having sex with the right person. Oh, but PROTECTED sex. Because I would also like to resolve not to expand the amount of baby pictures on my newsfeed. I told you you could thank me later.

Monday, December 16, 2013

They Call Me Crazy

They call me crazy.

I wish I could freeze every minute you spent,
telling me everything you knew I wanted to hear,
so I could revisit those moments immediately after,
and remind myself that these,
these are only lies.

With every question from me,
there was a promise from you.
Do you want to continue to date me? Yes, I promise that I do.
Are you interested in anyone else? No, I promise that I'm not.
Now is your opportunity to tell the truth. Take it. I promise that I am.
Promises that you easily could have kept,
but none, none that you would.

The opportunity of a lifetime,
must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity,
or so the saying goes.
But what of a lifetime of opportunities seized?
Opportunities taken and misused.
Opportunities taken and destroyed.
Opportunities taken, taken, and taken,
without so much of a second thought.

There's been times when I thought twice, though.
When I look back and I want to change my own mind.
Yes, go to a simple lunch with your ex,
the same one you left me for once already.
Yes, don't invite me to go out with your friends,
the same ones that you've refused to introduce me to for weeks now.
Yes, I do understand that no significant others are going,
and that's why I'm not going.
But no, I don't want you to go,
and yes, I do want to go.

There's been times when I thought twice.
When I look back and I want to change my own damn mind.
But for what?
For the mere idea that it would've made a difference to you.
That maybe my lenience in our relationship could have made a difference in our relationship.
A difference in what?
A difference in your lies?
Or a difference in your cowardly lack of communication?
A difference in the way that you would take every single opportunity,
that I so wearily gave you in the first place,
and prove to me that you can prove absolutely nothing to me.
Prove to me that you will take, and take, and take.

Give is all that I did for you.
Give you opportunity, after opportunity,
after so many opportunities.

Now, I'm not sure.
But I hardly think that this is what they mean,
when they say that love is a game of give and take.

They call me crazy.
And you know, I think they could be right.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

10 Times That I Wished I Wasn't A Raging Homosexual

Even though I'm a lesbian, I haven't really taken the time to decide my thoughts on the whole issue of whether someone is BORN that way, or if they become that way, or even if they made the conscious choice to be that way because it looked like fun. The hows and whys of the issue don't fancy my interest. It's just the way it is and that's that. However, there are several times in my lesbo life that I have sat there and thought "if only I wasn't a raging homosexual..." 

Don't get me wrong. I don't ACTUALLY want to change the way I am. These seconds of questioning are just that. Seconds of questioning. It goes a little something like this: "Well...maybe I could just... I mean, guys are hot...when they wear skinny jeans... and have long hair... and when you can't really tell if it's a girl or a guy...is that weird?" or like this "He's got his shit together... maybe it doesn't matte- nope, no, Erica, no. There's still a penis." And then it's over. Just mere seconds of debate and I'm back to square one. Not even my Father's wish that I would "just find a nice boy" can change my feelings. Insecure boys lie and cheat, too, Father. But my Dad would be glad to know that there are some instances where I just wish I wasn't such a gay-wad.

1. When I realized I live in St. Charles, Missouri. Not because it's a bad place to live if you're gay and filming a documentary or something, because it's totally not (at least in my own experience). But because the population of lesbians of interest to me that reside in St. Chuck is like negative 6432. Unless you get off on "flipping" the youngin's, there are slim pickings in my 'hood. Granted, St. Louis is not far, but when you're already 6 drinks in, St. Louis is fucking far.

2. Almost every time I meet another lesbian. Just kidding. Kinda. But really, wouldn't that be some shit?

3. Every time I hear Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I don't care what any of you crazy Katy fans say, that song leaves legitimate lesbians with a horrible taste in their mouth, and so do girls who just kiss girls for the hell of it. Just because you got brave with a drink in your hand, and you hope your boyfriend don't mind it, that doesn't mean that lesbians everywhere don't cringe at the idea of you unintentionally making a mockery of their lifestyle for attention. Hash tag PREACH.

4. When people have to vote on whether or not I am allowed to be married. Because who the hell are you and why the hell does it matter to you who I marry?

5. When it becomes clear to me just how easy it is for my straight friends to pick people up. Not that picking people up is at the top of my hobbies list, but this is serious. Again, this might have a lot to do with geography, or the places that I hang out, but it is no secret that there are at least double the options for those looking for the opposite sex at any given time. WTF?

6. When people get drunk and start asking lesbian sex questions. If you're my BFF, or anyone I remotely care about, then sure, ask your little heart away. I have no qualms with enlightening you about my life. But if you just met me, and the conversation of choice is like "I've never met a lesbian before, how do you??? And how do you?? And scissoring, scissoring, scissoring??" Just stop and turn me straight, okay?

7. When I got a part-time job. I momentarily wished I was no longer a lesbian when I got a second job because it occurred to me that, for the first time in a really long time, I'd have to tell many new people that no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating a girl. You forget what it feels like to have to tell someone you barely know something that's so personal, all because they were just trying to be nice and get to know you. In the end, there was no harm done. It's just different. Besides, I've had a good streak of no one causing a stink about anything (as it should be), so I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone pulls a shank on my ass when I totally offend them with my lesbian tendencies.

8. When someone asks if I'm the "girl or the guy in relationships." I don't mean this in the sexual way - please refer to #6. This is a basic question, and I totally get why people ask it. But it does make me curse myself a little bit for the situation I am in. Not because I can't choose. But because I have to check my make-up, my nails, my long hair, mini-skirts and tights. And then I have to roll my eyes.

9. When I'm in a relationship and there's a bachelorette party for a mutual friend. OK, this might sound extremely petty at first glance. But it's a prime example of when, in a lesbian relationship, lines get blurry. If it was a girl and a guy in this situation, it would be clear who was to go to what. Not for same-sex couples, though. And a girls night? Or a night out with the boys? This stuff can really get in the way of a same-sex relationship if you don't know where the boundaries are.

10. When girls I'm trying to befriend automatically assume I want their body. I may think you're beautiful, because I do believe that of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I am at all into you physically. Okay, you're right, I'm sorry that you think that's harsh? Should I say that I AM into you physically? That makes you uncomfortable? No, it doesn't? You're ugly? Is that better? Still no? You're beautiful AS A PERSON and I don't want anything from you except a friendship? Does THAT make you happy? I mean, wait, what do you want from me here? I guess I don't need girl friends anyway...

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Overanalyzing The Fine Line Between Love & Hate in Relationships

As my Dad would say, fine lines and relationships are like assholes and humans: they all have them. I've already touched on a fine line in relationships that I consider to be a major one (here), but (unlike assholes and humans...), I am fairly certain there is more than just one fine line in a relationship. Au contraire, my good friends, there are several fine lines in relationships. The fine line between love and hate just happens to be a gigantic cliche and, to what I'm sure is a massive shock to my regulars, this is something I just so happen to be overanalyzing lately.

Now, I am not a hater of much. For what it's worth, I tend to be too much of a sucker to be much of a hater. I believe in second chances, and (apparently) I believe in third chances, too. I give the benefit of the doubt the majority of the time, and I happen to trust that people can change when they want to. However, just because I still idealize about these things doesn't make them actually true, and trust me when I say I've definitely come to know this.

I've never understood what it meant when someone said "there's a fine line between love and hate." Does it mean that they couldn't distinguish between the two? Because when I think about it, I may not always know when I love someone, but I definitely always know when I DON'T love someone. Or did they mean that you can love someone, all the while be completely suffocated by their love, thus forcing you to resent and, at times, hate them?

All of these theories could be spot on, but as you may have guessed, in true Erica fashion, I can't really put my finger on my exact thoughts on this topic. The fine line between love and hate is probably woven inside our emotions and our feelings for someone. But I don't really think that's enough. There's not too much I will be OK to say for certain unless a ton of overanalyzing has taken place. Overanalyzing to take place in 3...2...1...

First of all, let me make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I am by no means an advocate for hate. I mean, I think as a gay person it's been written in stone that I am 100% not allowed to hate a single thing. For the sake of all things realistic, the definition of hate is a "passionate dislike for someone." For the sake of this blog, I'd like to simply say it's just anger, or hurt, or being fucking pissed off. But unfortunately, I think the passionate disliking of someone is somewhat more than one person feeling anger or being hurt and being pissed off. I think it has to do with TWO people, not just one person taking all of the hate credit.

The LOVE in love and hate is not the typical love, where you can go days, weeks or months without speaking, then pick back up without skipping a beat. No, it's a love so much deeper that there's a pain in your heart making you retrace your steps in the situation, hopefully without regrets and with pride in the actions of your past.

And the HATE in love and hate is not the typical hate, where you can admit your "passionate dislike" for a person and carry on with your everyday life, without ever stopping to think how disliking someone can impact you or them. It's so much deeper than that. It's a pain in your heart making you hate the fact that you could possibly truly dislike someone you loved so much. It's not something you want, but just as falling in love with someone is out of our own control, so is the feeling of anger and hurtfulness.

Love and hate are emotions that every single human feels; they are emotions that are both common and rare all at the same time. The fine line between those emotions is what makes us different...How much can you love someone? Can you love them so much that you don't think you'd ever have it in you to hate them? Or does the deepness of your love depict how deep your dislike can be? If someone has enough power to make us feel love, what would stop them from making us feel such strong dislike? And if we can't let go of the love we have, how do we ever begin to let go of the hate?

Last but not least, if we can't let go of the love, and we can't let go of the hate, how do we determine which one it is that we're even holding on to in the end?