The Halloween timeline of a typical person somewhat resembles a night of passion for a newly-minted relationship (or newly-minted hook-up, whatever you prefer). It starts out amazing, full of excitement and creativity, like you never want it to end. Then, as the night goes on, you're still going at it, but the excitement tends to die down a little bit. Finally, as the sun begins to come up, you are so exhausted, all you want to do is lay there. The very last thing you want to do is dress up and role play just to get some more "candy."
That's strikingly similar, am I right?! I was shocked, as well.
If I was Halloween, I'd feel pretty ripped off to be so abandoned. But I'm not Halloween. For the sake of this article, I'm actually going to be Halloween's Marketing Executive. It seems to me that Halloween needs to re-evaluate a few things in order to last longer (get it?). For example, maybe it's time that Halloween gets a new target audience, or at least adds to their current audience by appealing to an older crowd. Twentysomethings everywhere would love to partake in all that Halloween has to offer, if only it would offer better shit. In order to attract this new audience, the act of Trick-or-Treating has to undergo a giant transformation. The purpose of Halloween shouldn't be to excite the fat kids with pillowcases of candy collections. No, that's a thing of the past, damnit! It should be to aid twentysomethings in obtaining the things that they need and want in life. I would gladly get suited up and go door-to-door, joke-telling in order to get a few necessities for us twentysomethings.
Here's the things that neighbors everywhere should be prepared to fork out to twentysomethings in order for Halloween to make a come-back:
- A list of any job openings you are currently aware of and a coinciding pay range. Just because I have a pretty legit job, that doesn't mean every twentysomething that wants to go Trick-or-Treating does. If you're a neighbor, and you know of a sweet gig that's available, get the word out on Halloween.
- QT gas cards. Us twentysomething's need to be able to get to work, and I will be the first to tell you that my commute, by itself, has the ability to drain my bank account. If just TWO houses were to give me a QT gas card, I could surely make it to work and back for at least one week.
- Relationship advice. If you're a neighbor, and you happen to be in a happily monogamous relationship, PLEASE feel free to hand out some of that advice to us twentysomething's blowin' you up. And if you aren't in a happily monogamous relationship, please enlighten us as to what you did to fuck it up, because I'm sure there's something. Also, friendship advice. I'm sure you know a little something about this kinda stuff, right? Trust me when I say that we could all use this kind of information right now.
- Obviously, alcohol. That shit ain't cheap, and I have a lifestyle to uphold throughout my twenties. Even the tiny, tiny bottles from the gas station are better than a fucking bite-sized Snickers bar. Priorities, people!
- Food. I don't mean junk and candy. No, I mean, home-cooked meals and gift cards to restaurants. A girl has got to eat, and despite my strong desire to want to cook for someone someday, now is definitely not that time. I'd much rather ring a neighbors door bell on Halloween, and have them kindly invite me in for supper, or just hand me a gift card to my local Mexican restaurant or grocer.
- Car maintenance services. If you're manly and know how to work on cars, my check engine light has been on for months on end. Not to be all stereotypically female here, but I don't know shit about cars, nor do I have the budget to take my car into the shop, just to be ripped off because I'm, well, stereotypically female. Also, if you have a spare set of car stereo speakers laying around, I can think of some fantastically perverted, twentysomething jokes to tell for those...
- Beauty treatments. Um, hello?! Getting my hair did is quite the pricey activity. I can barely afford to do it once every three months, and I REALLY should be doing so. Not only hair, but nails, spray tans, and laser hair removal treatments (if you're really giving it out this year) are always needed, as well. Again, if you don't possess the skills to provide me the service, gift cards are gratefully accepted.
- Donations. Donations to my student loan company(ies), donations to my credit card company(ies), donations to my savings account, donations to my mortgage company, donations to my concert fund, my travel fund, my crafting fund, and, finally, my sex toy fund (have you shopped for that stuff lately?! So damn expensive! No matter what it is you're going for, it gives a whole new meaning to getting screwed). Donations.
Clearly, it wouldn't take much for Halloween to get back in the game and be cool again.
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