Steve Says We Have to Trust in Something

This quote has completely resonated with me lately and it's helped me realize some things. Recently, I've had some friends that break my heart just by talking about their current relationship status, or why something isn't working out for them at work, for example. Maybe it's just the age we're at; that pivotal time in life we're taught that we are supposed to be figuring shit out. Things like what work we want to be tied to, or what person we want to settle down with. But even if we think we have it all figured out, there's always kinks in the plan. Things never go as smooth as they do in our own minds. It's like they say, there's no point in planning because what's meant to happen is going to happen, regardless. But for someone like me, and I THINK for some of my friends, as well, not having a plan isn't something we're great at coming to terms with. Maybe it's not so much a plan that we need, as it is a well-thought out order of everything in our lives.

I've decided lately that no matter how much I plan something, and no matter how much I WANT something, hard work and an A for effort can only take me so far. I've learned that since I can't control anything or anyone, like good ol' Steve Jobs says, I just need to trust in something instead. For me, I want to trust in what I deserve. Call it karma, if you want, but I want to know what I'm looking for in a person, and I want to know what I deserve in a person, just like I want to know what I deserve in my career, in friendships, and in life in general.

For me, at this point in my life, this isn't the pivotal age to be figuring EVERYTHING out. It's only the time to be figuring out what I deserve and what I'm aiming to achieve and who I'm hoping to notsettlebutsettledownwith. And that's perfectly okay. It's totally FINE to not have a significant other, or my dream job, or my dream car - things that I know I would love to have someday, but it's not right this second and that's alright. That way, when I actually need to figure something out for good, not only will I have a great starting point, I will have a very well-thought out idea of what exactly I deserve.  

Reflecting for Reflection's Sake

With the new year and all, I get that it's a total time for reflection. I've seen what "sucked in 2013!" or the things that made 2013 the "best. year. ever." via social media, and either way, somehow they managed to sum up an entire year in one Facebook status. It's a bit of a relief when you look around you and you realize that, right along with so many other people your age, it's normal if you're not exactly where you thought you'd be by this time in your life. It might be your career that's got you down, or your lack of a career, at that. Or maybe it's the fact that you thought you'd be settled down with #1 by now, contemplating the important things in life like what color to paint your dining room and what curtains make your ceilings look taller.

I wonder if all of this reflection, even though obviously a result of a new year, is also a single twentysomething, with no children, and a little fear of my future self, acknowledging the fact that I still have a small window of time to make drastic changes in life without having an impact on anyone else. I've always been one to think that with deep reflection, comes deep change. But, and there's always a but, maybe I've changed my mind, and deep change isn't what I, or people in general, need in times like this.

Let's just reflect for reflection's sake. For me, reflection has become an act of just simply taking a look back, carrying certain things with you and letting certain things go as you move forward. Maybe it's time we start taking this reflection business a little less serious. We're sure giving it a lot of credit these days, when really, WE are the ones doing the damn thing. Let's decide that big life changes are overrated for a change, and let's not attempt at changing ourselves so drastically. Of course everyone should always be working to improve upon their self. I'm definitely an advocate for self improvement. But just because it's a new year, and we've all spent so much time looking back at what's brought us to where we are right this second that we have actually started to be sick of ourselves, that doesn't mean we need to pressure ourselves to make changes. There are no "Quick Wins" in life. No big solutions to make us better people. It's the small solutions, the day by day things that make us who we want to be. It's the growing that changes us, not being fully grown.

Look at it this way...How likely is it finding love in 2014 will make YOU feel better about YOURself on a daily basis? You can't set a goal for something like that, it happens without your consent. How quickly do you think you'll be able to really let go of your guilt and your regrets that keep you a little peeved at life? These things are big and important for many reasons, and they should very-well be on your list of things to accomplish if that's what fancies you. But what's more important than these things is the small stuff in your day that combine in one huge way to build who you are as a person. It's the small changes that really contribute to a person's well-being. Small changes like wearing high heels and lipstick because, while small, those things make you feel more confident. Small changes like taking MORE time off work to have a mental health day or to just BE - Be who you want to be when you don't have to answer to someone, don't have to dress up, don't have to leave the couch. Just BE. Small changes like taking LESS time off work because well, you should just go to work already. Things like finding NEW work because you're more than what you're doing. Say no to things that will make you want to apologize to someone later. Doing what you want doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. Things like mentally telling yourself to 'STOP' when you're thinking negatively, and things like taking a hiatus from social media because compare, compare, compare.

These small things make you who you are more than any love that you could find should. They make you who you are more than any guilt or regrets should. There's no reason to have one or two massive goals in mind when you want to become a better person. Be good to yourself by recognizing the small things that make you who you are, and what makes you better day in and day out. Here's a hint: It will never reside in, revolve around, or even come close to including someone else. If it does, you're doing it wrong.

I'm Looking Forward To It

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a very open person. Shocked, right? I consider myself to be pretty outgoing and there's not a whole lot I wouldn't talk about with another person. But lately, I've been doing a ton of thinking on my own, and trying to look INSIDE for the answers for a change. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past few months, or the nearing end of the year, but I've been doing a bit of soul searching in order to get my mind right, if you will. As you know, I use this blog as an outlet for myself, and you can tell by my posts that my mind never stops. I'm always thinking and analyzing. But I wanted to take some time to share something different besides a love-related theory I've crafted up so cleverly in my own crazy head. This isn't exactly anything profound or life-changing. Instead, it's really something I've come to grasp over the span of the past year, and it's allowed me to change the way I think in terms of what's next for me.

You see, I am so close with so many people in life. I have a big, yet very close family, and I have some wonderful friends that I just adore. It's very important to me that they know what's happening in my world and that I know what's happening in theirs. I personally like to believe that you only become closer with people once you can open up with them and vice-versa. With that said, I never typically have second thoughts about asking for advice from other people about my relationships. It is never out of ill intent that I would talk to people about things going on, whether they are positive things or negative things. I wouldn't want to paint a negative light on the person that I care so much for to my family or friends, but I was seeking advice. It just seemed like the logical "girl thing" to do, to talk to my close friends, talk to my sisters, or talk to my Mom. The people I look up to, think fondly of and admire could surely be able to help me get through some issues in the right way. Certainly, THEY have the experience that I possibly lack, as they've probably been through this, or they have a friend whose friend has been through this, and completely innocently, they would be able to guide me right, or show me something that I might be missing. I've always been one to think that getting different perspectives can be helpful and is needed in order to grow and change.

But I think I've changed my mind on a very specific part of this: Talking about my relationship openly when there is an issue bothering me or something I'm struggling with. This year, someone tried to explain to me that every one's situations are different and by talking about certain things with certain people, I was ultimately comparing my situation to theirs and possibly developing expectations that could be outside of my own relationship. At the time, I was dead set that I was not COMPARING my relationship to anyone else's, instead I was seeking the experience from someone I cared about that had my best interest in mind.

Lately, however, when thinking about the experiences that came with this year, I've come to realize that no one else could possibly hold the answers I would have needed except the person I was with. But there's a catch: The person I'm with has to be willing to communicate about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just one person in a two person relationship, trying to read some one's mind and make important decisions single-handedly that impact both me and the person I love. I am totally aware that not every one's forte is communication. I love to talk, I love to be cheesy and be like "What are you thinking about?" and "Tell me something! Anything!" and I get that some people absolutely are not like that. But I am 300% certain that there are particular situations that MUST have two-way communication if something is going to work out.  

With all of this thought, I have found myself craving a kind of secret world, if that makes sense. One that only me and the person I love know about. A world that's so sure of itself, no outsiders stand a chance at interfering with it or altering it in any way. The intimate privacy between me and one other person that I care deeply for and that cares deeply for me.

I look forward to the time where I have another person to share that world with. Someone that looks forward to me and that world, too. Someone that is more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything, from our own problems, to their own problems, to my own problems. Another person that's fine discussing things, laying out the options, making a decision as a duo. Just two people, each with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most of all, care. Two people with care, each for the other one, enough to where we trust each other so much, respect for one another is never a question, but a way of life. Two people that won't buckle to outside opinions from family or friends, and not because their opinions are not valued, but because between the two of us, we can handle it. We are capable of our own decision making. We are the two people that know US best, we know OUR history, and OUR future, and what WE want and need. We shouldn't have to look elsewhere for advice and opinions, because we can look to each other and do it together.

New Year's Resolutions for My Entire Generation

I'm usually not one for New Year's Resolutions, because... today, though. But if someone held my teddy bear hostage or told me I could never drink an alcoholic beverage again unless I made promises to myself that will last no longer than the second month of the year, then fine, you win. But these little snippets of waystomakeyourselfbetter aren't just for me. I believe y'all should probably abide by them, as well, bcecause per usual, my blog is my outlet in order to shove my theories down your throat. Allow me to make you better. You can thank me later.

First of all, we should all vow to act our age. I don't care if you think that age is just a number. There's a reason older people are considered wiser people. Clearly, age is NOT just a number. It's a representation of the amount of experience someone has (or doesn't have); it's a prime example of how someone has grown (or hasn't really gown much at all). The way someone handles certain situations should be directly correlated with their age. So, yes, lets.

Let's all say fuck it, and pick a side. Who the hell decided that picking a side was such a terrible thing, anyway? Most likely, it was some very passive people pleaser that was too scared to upset someone. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I feel like we're all very intelligent people. We know right from wrong. Go ahead and pick a side. It's very freeing, I assure you.

At the risk of sounding cliche, let's treat people the way you would want to be treated. I'd say this one is pretty self explainatory, but somehow people are still getting it wrong day in and day out. It's really not a hard concept, I have faith in all of us.

Be a true friend and tell someone when they've fucked up. I am a firm believer in a true friend being someone that will call someone out on their bullshit, and let them know if they are really effing something up. A true friend is not someone that falls to the background and let's said friend make a huge mistake or be a total dick without a warning. People NEED to be told when they're being ridiculous. Who better to tell them than you?

Love the nice one, for once. It seems like all we do is fall for the jerks and the ones that are toxic for us. Why can't we just fall for the ones that wouldn't break our heart at every opportunity they got? The ones that know a good thing when they have it, and wouldn't do a single thing to ruin it. It might be scary. Hell, it WILL be scary. But sometimes scary is a perfectly normal thing. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to love the ones that love you. We were built to be loved, after all. Pick the one that knows how.

Let's all work to recognize the difference between being in love and almost everything else. Sometimes you think you're in love with someone and you're so pissed that it didn't work out. Then, you realize that wasn't being in love at all - that was just a brand new person in your life who introduced you to eggs benedict in a cute cafe and taught you that sick leave can be used to day drink on a Tuesday at noon. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, and sometimes we may actually be. But I've come to realize that being in love is so much more rare than we know. At first glance, if I took a long, hard look at my life, I could say I've been in love multiple times. Realistically, though?

Finally, I think we should all reward ourselves for the work we've put in to accomplish the rest of these. I know they are exhausting and honestly, accomplishing these things comes about with a lot of maturity. With that, I say we all vow to have more sex. And if you're any good at achieving what I've set forth for you here, chances are good you're having sex with the right person. Oh, but PROTECTED sex. Because I would also like to resolve not to expand the amount of baby pictures on my newsfeed. I told you you could thank me later.

They Call Me Crazy

They call me crazy.

I wish I could freeze every minute you spent,
telling me everything you knew I wanted to hear,
so I could revisit those moments immediately after,
and remind myself that these,
these are only lies.

With every question from me,
there was a promise from you.
Do you want to continue to date me? Yes, I promise that I do.
Are you interested in anyone else? No, I promise that I'm not.
Now is your opportunity to tell the truth. Take it. I promise that I am.
Promises.
Promises that you easily could have kept,
but none, none that you would.

The opportunity of a lifetime,
must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity,
or so the saying goes.
But what of a lifetime of opportunities seized?
Opportunities taken and misused.
Opportunities taken and destroyed.
Opportunities taken, taken, and taken,
without so much of a second thought.

There's been times when I thought twice, though.
When I look back and I want to change my own mind.
Yes, go to a simple lunch with your ex,
the same one you left me for once already.
Yes, don't invite me to go out with your friends,
the same ones that you've refused to introduce me to for weeks now.
Yes, I do understand that no significant others are going,
and that's why I'm not going.
But no, I don't want you to go,
and yes, I do want to go.

There's been times when I thought twice.
When I look back and I want to change my own damn mind.
But for what?
For the mere idea that it would've made a difference to you.
That maybe my lenience in our relationship could have made a difference in our relationship.
A difference in what?
A difference in your lies?
Or a difference in your cowardly lack of communication?
A difference in the way that you would take every single opportunity,
that I so wearily gave you in the first place,
and prove to me that you can prove absolutely nothing to me.
Prove to me that you will take, and take, and take.
Give.

Give is all that I did for you.
Give you opportunity, after opportunity,
after so many opportunities.

Now, I'm not sure.
But I hardly think that this is what they mean,
when they say that love is a game of give and take.

They call me crazy.
And you know, I think they could be right.

10 Times That I Wished I Wasn't A Raging Homosexual

Even though I'm a lesbian, I haven't really taken the time to decide my thoughts on the whole issue of whether someone is BORN that way, or if they become that way, or even if they made the conscious choice to be that way because it looked like fun. The hows and whys of the issue don't fancy my interest. It's just the way it is and that's that. However, there are several times in my lesbo life that I have sat there and thought "if only I wasn't a raging homosexual..." 

Don't get me wrong. I don't ACTUALLY want to change the way I am. These seconds of questioning are just that. Seconds of questioning. It goes a little something like this: "Well...maybe I could just... I mean, guys are hot...when they wear skinny jeans... and have long hair... and when you can't really tell if it's a girl or a guy...is that weird?" or like this "He's got his shit together... maybe it doesn't matte- nope, no, Erica, no. There's still a penis." And then it's over. Just mere seconds of debate and I'm back to square one. Not even my Father's wish that I would "just find a nice boy" can change my feelings. Insecure boys lie and cheat, too, Father. But my Dad would be glad to know that there are some instances where I just wish I wasn't such a gay-wad.

1. When I realized I live in St. Charles, Missouri. Not because it's a bad place to live if you're gay and filming a documentary or something, because it's totally not (at least in my own experience). But because the population of lesbians of interest to me that reside in St. Chuck is like negative 6432. Unless you get off on "flipping" the youngin's, there are slim pickings in my 'hood. Granted, St. Louis is not far, but when you're already 6 drinks in, St. Louis is fucking far.

2. Almost every time I meet another lesbian. Just kidding. Kinda. But really, wouldn't that be some shit?

3. Every time I hear Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I don't care what any of you crazy Katy fans say, that song leaves legitimate lesbians with a horrible taste in their mouth, and so do girls who just kiss girls for the hell of it. Just because you got brave with a drink in your hand, and you hope your boyfriend don't mind it, that doesn't mean that lesbians everywhere don't cringe at the idea of you unintentionally making a mockery of their lifestyle for attention. Hash tag PREACH.

4. When people have to vote on whether or not I am allowed to be married. Because who the hell are you and why the hell does it matter to you who I marry?

5. When it becomes clear to me just how easy it is for my straight friends to pick people up. Not that picking people up is at the top of my hobbies list, but this is serious. Again, this might have a lot to do with geography, or the places that I hang out, but it is no secret that there are at least double the options for those looking for the opposite sex at any given time. WTF?

6. When people get drunk and start asking lesbian sex questions. If you're my BFF, or anyone I remotely care about, then sure, ask your little heart away. I have no qualms with enlightening you about my life. But if you just met me, and the conversation of choice is like "I've never met a lesbian before, how do you??? And how do you?? And scissoring, scissoring, scissoring??" Just stop and turn me straight, okay?

7. When I got a part-time job. I momentarily wished I was no longer a lesbian when I got a second job because it occurred to me that, for the first time in a really long time, I'd have to tell many new people that no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating a girl. You forget what it feels like to have to tell someone you barely know something that's so personal, all because they were just trying to be nice and get to know you. In the end, there was no harm done. It's just different. Besides, I've had a good streak of no one causing a stink about anything (as it should be), so I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone pulls a shank on my ass when I totally offend them with my lesbian tendencies.

8. When someone asks if I'm the "girl or the guy in relationships." I don't mean this in the sexual way - please refer to #6. This is a basic question, and I totally get why people ask it. But it does make me curse myself a little bit for the situation I am in. Not because I can't choose. But because I have to check my make-up, my nails, my long hair, mini-skirts and tights. And then I have to roll my eyes.

9. When I'm in a relationship and there's a bachelorette party for a mutual friend. OK, this might sound extremely petty at first glance. But it's a prime example of when, in a lesbian relationship, lines get blurry. If it was a girl and a guy in this situation, it would be clear who was to go to what. Not for same-sex couples, though. And a girls night? Or a night out with the boys? This stuff can really get in the way of a same-sex relationship if you don't know where the boundaries are.

10. When girls I'm trying to befriend automatically assume I want their body. I may think you're beautiful, because I do believe that of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I am at all into you physically. Okay, you're right, I'm sorry that you think that's harsh? Should I say that I AM into you physically? That makes you uncomfortable? No, it doesn't? You're ugly? Is that better? Still no? You're beautiful AS A PERSON and I don't want anything from you except a friendship? Does THAT make you happy? I mean, wait, what do you want from me here? I guess I don't need girl friends anyway...

Overanalyzing The Fine Line Between Love & Hate in Relationships

As my Dad would say, fine lines and relationships are like assholes and humans: they all have them. I've already touched on a fine line in relationships that I consider to be a major one (here), but (unlike assholes and humans...), I am fairly certain there is more than just one fine line in a relationship. Au contraire, my good friends, there are several fine lines in relationships. The fine line between love and hate just happens to be a gigantic cliche and, to what I'm sure is a massive shock to my regulars, this is something I just so happen to be overanalyzing lately.

Now, I am not a hater of much. For what it's worth, I tend to be too much of a sucker to be much of a hater. I believe in second chances, and (apparently) I believe in third chances, too. I give the benefit of the doubt the majority of the time, and I happen to trust that people can change when they want to. However, just because I still idealize about these things doesn't make them actually true, and trust me when I say I've definitely come to know this.

I've never understood what it meant when someone said "there's a fine line between love and hate." Does it mean that they couldn't distinguish between the two? Because when I think about it, I may not always know when I love someone, but I definitely always know when I DON'T love someone. Or did they mean that you can love someone, all the while be completely suffocated by their love, thus forcing you to resent and, at times, hate them?

All of these theories could be spot on, but as you may have guessed, in true Erica fashion, I can't really put my finger on my exact thoughts on this topic. The fine line between love and hate is probably woven inside our emotions and our feelings for someone. But I don't really think that's enough. There's not too much I will be OK to say for certain unless a ton of overanalyzing has taken place. Overanalyzing to take place in 3...2...1...

First of all, let me make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I am by no means an advocate for hate. I mean, I think as a gay person it's been written in stone that I am 100% not allowed to hate a single thing. For the sake of all things realistic, the definition of hate is a "passionate dislike for someone." For the sake of this blog, I'd like to simply say it's just anger, or hurt, or being fucking pissed off. But unfortunately, I think the passionate disliking of someone is somewhat more than one person feeling anger or being hurt and being pissed off. I think it has to do with TWO people, not just one person taking all of the hate credit.

The LOVE in love and hate is not the typical love, where you can go days, weeks or months without speaking, then pick back up without skipping a beat. No, it's a love so much deeper that there's a pain in your heart making you retrace your steps in the situation, hopefully without regrets and with pride in the actions of your past.

And the HATE in love and hate is not the typical hate, where you can admit your "passionate dislike" for a person and carry on with your everyday life, without ever stopping to think how disliking someone can impact you or them. It's so much deeper than that. It's a pain in your heart making you hate the fact that you could possibly truly dislike someone you loved so much. It's not something you want, but just as falling in love with someone is out of our own control, so is the feeling of anger and hurtfulness.

Love and hate are emotions that every single human feels; they are emotions that are both common and rare all at the same time. The fine line between those emotions is what makes us different...How much can you love someone? Can you love them so much that you don't think you'd ever have it in you to hate them? Or does the deepness of your love depict how deep your dislike can be? If someone has enough power to make us feel love, what would stop them from making us feel such strong dislike? And if we can't let go of the love we have, how do we ever begin to let go of the hate?

Last but not least, if we can't let go of the love, and we can't let go of the hate, how do we determine which one it is that we're even holding on to in the end?

A History Lesson in Ending Up With Me

There's a saying we've all probably heard a time or two in our lives:

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

This saying dates all the way back to the mid-1800's. Crazy, I know! Now, I'm by no means a history buff. But if something has been around that long, it's most likely for a reason, right? At least I would think so. When I think about this loved and lost bullshit, (apparently) cynical Erica rears her ugly head and I think to myself "who the fuck in their right mind wants to lose someone they love so they can say they've at least loved?!" That sounds completely absurd to someone such as myself. However, over time I think I've come to realize the REASONING behind that little diddy. Just like everything else in this thing we call life, it's to teach us shit. We are always supposed to be learning, in case you haven't figured this out yet. (You're welcome). But I think what some wise person back in the day was trying to say was it's better to have loved and lost because even though you lost something, and even though that's reeeeally effing hard to cope with, chances are, you learned SO MUCH from that person you loved and lost.

I've definitely done my fair share of learning lately. More specifically, I've learned so many things that I would say if I could tell the person that I ultimately end up with (that lucky bastard!) everything they will ever need to know about - you guessed it - ending up with me. More than anything, my lessons learned from the most important relationships in my life are the inspiration for this serious and totally legitimate nonsense. But please don't laugh when I tell you that the things I want to tell this wonderful, exciting, extremely good looking person all boil down to one thing: Don't go. I say this in the nicest, most sincere and most loving way possible. You'll see what I mean.

There will always be times when we dislike each other. I think it's totally normal for us to be all "I love you, but I don't have to like you right now" on each other. When you spend an obscene amount of time with one person, you share everything under the sun, and you absolutely have to consider their feelings in practically all of your life choices (have I told you why I'm single these days?), you are bound to dislike each other here and there. But don't go. We can work through that stuff because make-up sex is the best kind of sex (but only after I've had days to get over it). Am I right or am I right? There will always be times when we dislike each other, but please don't go.

I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them. I don't know what it is about the parents. I tend to be very awkward and timid, and that's not me at all. It could be because I know how much the opinions of MY family members matter to me, so I want to make a good impression on YOUR family, too, in case you are crazy like me and happen to value the opinions of your own family. Family is my everything, so you will totally get annoyed by them randomly popping in at our house, or how we still celebrate birthdays with presents, cake and ice cream even though we are all old as hell, and we have Sunday dinner many weeks at my parents house. Not to mention our annual family vacation where we pile as many people as we can into a 2-bedroom condo at the Lake of the damn Ozarks (yes, again). I get that it can be a lot to walk into. But please don't go. I will gladly go to your family dinners, on your family vacays and anything else that you want to drag me to. I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them, but please don't go.

At times, I'll be moody, overwhelming, and stubborn. What? Judgey, judgey. Don't lie, you will be all of those things, too, damnit. EVERYONE is all of those things at times, we are only human after all. But the good news is I don't hold grudges and I can laugh at the drop of a dime, so please don't go. I might be flawed, but I am laid back and I have a sense of humor to boot. Just smack my ass or ask me to pull your finger, and voila! MoodyoverwhelmingstubbornErica no more. Sometimes, I will hold on to us so tight that you will feel like you need to come up for air every 12 seconds, but it's not because I want to overwhelm you (even though I'm aware that's exactly what I do). It's because I am too scared to underwhelm you. With that said, please don't go.

There will always, always, ALWAYS be other people. Girls, guys, old friends, new friends, exes, families, blah blah blah. The list of people in our lives will always be large and in charge. I will most likely always be uncomfortable with you spending quality time with an ex, or with someone who doesn't respect me, you, and/or me and you. You can bet your ass I will tell you when I'm uncomfortable, as communication is my forte. I won't say it to be mean, I will say it so we can acknowledge it, fix it and move on. I will make every effort in the world to be prominent in the lives of the people that are most important to you. People and relationships are what life is all about. But what I would say to my special someone is don't go. I know other people will sometimes seem to be better than me, or a lifestyle with someone else might seem more appealing than ours from first glances - I'm no stranger to that whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' thing. But trust me, I will shit all over that grass if I have to if it means you will let me keep you. Let's make a conscious decision to be with each other, and only each other, and then let other decisions involving other people stem from this. There will always be other people, but think of me, and please don't go.

When you say something to me, I will believe you. Mind you, my girl-like instincts are like my gaydar- TOP FREAKING NOTCH. Moral of the story, don't tell me something unless you mean it whole heartedly because I will believe you. If I don't believe you, it's because I ALREADY KNOW you're not being honest. I have superb instincts, I got them from several unpleasant and unfortunate situations, but by God I am grateful because when my gut tells me something, my gut is spot on. Just be honest with me and I will be honest with you, but please don't go.

Nothing will ever be perfect. In fact, I'm absolutely positive that some times will be downright miserable, horrific and shitty as hell. It just happens, man. There will be times when you left water on the bathroom sink and I will call you expletives in my head. There will be times when I talk during my yawn and you will HATE that so much that you want to punch me square in the face. Those are the small things, though. There will be HUGE things, too. Like when one of us has to cut ties with friends that are no good for us now. There will be problems at work that get taken home with us even though we know so well that they shouldn't. There will be deaths - there will be coping with hard ass things. There will be stresses of everyday life, because, even though you will be one of the most important things in my life and I in yours, we won't be the only things in each others lives. It will never be perfect, and it will be really hard, but please don't go.

Please don't go. 

A Lifehack in Learning

If you follow my blog, you might know that I haven't posted a single thing that I've written since August 24, 2013. That's almost three entire months of writing and never posting. It's not because I was being lazy (although I've definitely been lazier than usual these days), and it's not because what I'm writing means zilch to me (I realize zilch to me and zilch to you are probably much different...). I haven't posted a single thing I've written lately because I've come to find out that the shit that I write has consequences, no matter how truthful, honest and upfront it may be.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an immature teenager, I realize the things I do and say have consequences. This isn't a new concept to me. But it's almost as though people would prefer I write a complete lie if it meant it was going to save someone from feeling hurt from the truth. And, unfortunately, I am not capable of writing lies - not on my blog, not in my journal, not on my Facebook, and not even on someone else's Facebook. I am just not at all capable of sugar coating things. I'm a "give it to you straight" type of girl. I'm sorry, in between all this seriousness I had to make a lesbian joke. It wouldn't be my writing without one.

Honestly. I don't know how Taylor Swift lives with herself day in and day out. I mean, my blog of emotions has 100% less reach than her worldwide singles, and if she has no guilty conscious about the things that she's written, even if what's his face was ACTUALLY trouble when he walked in, then the girl is WAY LESS of a saint than we've painted her as. She's more evil than I am, if that's the case. I get that millions of dollars and a shit ton of fame probably serve her better than my current sitch, but still. Anyway, I digress...

What this has all boiled down to for me (I can't speak for TSwift) is that no matter how honest you are, it's really easy to look at yourself and feel guilty for what YOU'VE done (or written). Even if the person you were totally honest about did something that you deem worse, and more hurtful, it's still going to be easier to be hard on yourself for whatever mistake(s) you've made. But I guess that's the point of making mistakes - to learn from it all and try to not fucking do it all over again, right?

One could be nice to their self and justify this guilt with the fact that they are at least self aware. I recognize my mistakes and I see my pitfalls, my weaknesses and my complete and utter failures, okay? I. GET. IT. I see where I've effed up, at least. I have effed up amidst my efforts to try to finally show others where THEY HAVE effed up. But I guess therein lies the biggest mistake of all. I thought for a minute (or for years, rather, but that's neither here nor there) that with my words, I could finally really show someone how THEY have made a mistake. I thought that anything I had to say would be able to finally prove to them that the way they are is not how someone should be. As if my words would finally shed some light on their lifestyle and how shitty I think it is that they act a certain way. My mistake was trying to be that person that would make them want to change.

This was all a huge mistake because, as we all know, no one can change someone. THEY have to be able to change themselves. If they aren't happy, only they know what will make them happy. If they aren't secure in themselves, only they have the ability to figure that out. If they need to constantly run from things, they will most likely continue to run until they figure out why they run in the first place. Only they can change their self. As much as I would love to stick it to them hard with my witty and clever words, as much as I'd love for ME to be the girl that makes a person want to be different and better, me, myself and my words will never be able to do that.

What I say is the truth. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago, probably before I decided to make my innermost angsty emotions a publicly accessible forum and call everyone out that I thought deserved it (secretly, though. I mean, I give myself mad fucking props for the anonymity of the writing. GO ME!)...but I must apologize for being honest even though I know it hurts where the sun don't shine. I'm aware that while my words might not be any more important than the next guys, they are just as hurtful. However, I can assure you that a LIE would be even worse. Maybe not right this second, maybe not tomorrow, but let me tell you from personal experience, that a painful truth is not nearly as hurtful as a lie.

(Now... I get that some of you might be saying "then don't write anything at all..." and all I have to say to that is fuck off, smartass).  :D

Anyway, maybe all of this is perfectly okay. I can see where people thrive on being this person that MAKES other people want to be different and better. But maybe that theory is completely overrated. Maybe I don't need someone that needs ME to call them out when they are being immature and, for lack of a better term, a dick. Maybe what I need is someone that can also recognize their faults and their mistakes and change on their own because of them. Not someone that continues to do the same shitty things over and over and OVER again. I feel the guilt and the consequences from my mistakes and I've learned from them. I know I will make others and I will continue to learn from those, too. At least I sure the shit hope I can keep this up. I guess I will wait it out for someone else who has this little lifehack down pat, as well.

Actions and Words and Loud Speaking

If you would have asked me a year or two ago, I would have totally been like "Oh, actions speak louder than words, and you're saying this and doing that so either act louder or quiet the eff up."

Basically.

Whoever trademarked actions speak louder than words was not only probably extremely gullible, but I imagine they went their entire life ignoring what people said and only watching what people did. Unlike my one-to-two-year-old self, I'm no longer sold on the idea that actions speak louder than words. Instead, I prefer to obtain the healthiest balance possible.

Why does one thing have to be louder than something else, anyway? Why can't actions and words have the same value? I mean, if I was dating some extra hot girl, and she acted like she was all into me all the time by sending me beautiful flowers, and buying me fancy din dins, but every word out of her mouth was "I hardcore dislike your big ass. And I definitely despise the way you laugh." I mean...But her actions are speaking louder, right???? NO. But if she acts like she likes me, and she talks like she likes me, she most likely likes me. Like like like.

All I'm trying to say is in a real, and real healthy, relationship, a good balance is what works wonders. Of course, it would be AH-mazing if people could always act and speak in a coordinating manner, as to avoid all confusion. But, we are only human, and with that, we inevitably suck at relationships. So, that just can't happen. For the most part, we should be able to know how we feel. Then, we can 1) express how we feel (SAY WORDS) and 2) actually LIVE in a way that backs up what we say (ACTIONS). If there is ever a gap in what we say and what we actually do, then there's bound to be major problems. Because, well fuck, that's just confusing and annoying and ain't nobody got time for that.

So, here's to us human beings. Speakin' loud and actin' loud and coordinating the shit out of those two things so they actually make sense.

Besides, if actions REALLY spoke louder than words, people would charade their way through their wedding vows. And I can't stand charades, but I love weddings. That just won't work for me.

You're welcome.