You know how sometimes it's possible to tell yourself something so many times, you actually start to believe it's the truth? Well, let me tell ya... Telling yourself that you aren't jealous won't make you not jealous. Nope. It just isn't one of those things. Doesn't work like that. You can tell yourself you aren't jealous as much as you want. Go ahead, keep talking to yourself (because being a crazy jealous person isn't crazy enough by itself, apparently), but at the end of the day, you are STILL going to be jealous.
When it comes to jealousy and my thoughts about the subject, I'd like to consider myself a SME (for all of my project management friends). For everyone else, that would be a Subject-Matter Expert. I know that I've got the whole jealousy thing under wraps. I make jealousy my bitch as much as possible. I do this by not getting jealous. And I can honestly tell you that not getting jealous is the fucking bees knees! IT'S AMAZING. I want to bang the shit out of not getting jealous, it ain't even funny. I know it's an envious trait to have (ahthank you), so I'm going to teach you my tricks to not getting jealous, so you, too, can feel this AMAZING feeling, and have not getting jealous boners everyday for the rest of your life.
The first trick to not getting jealous is to be too selfish to care what anyone else is up to. Seriously. I know you are thinking "Erica, this is a crude joke and I AM NOT selfish." But for reals. Be selfish. Worry about yourself, and the jealousy someone else is causing you will be long gone. You have to have more love for yourself than you have for some attention whore trying to get your panties all up in a wad. This is a good selfish to be. Trust me on this one.
Secondly, to save yourself the worry of jealousy, don't talk about ex's, dates, random hook-ups, one-night stands, or anything else that has to do with sex + the person you are into + a third (or fourth...) party. This will only linger in your thoughts for days on end to come, and THAT, my friend, is where babies come from. JUST KIDDING. That's where jealousy comes from, though.
Next, to eliminate jealousy, don't date an asshole. Sounds like common sense, but you'd be shocked. For example, what I THOUGHT was my version of jealousy back in the day (before I became a SME, of course), could have very well been my shitty, shitty, SHITTY girlfriend that was cheating on me, flirting with other people constantly, and basically giving me no attention whatsoever, and not me being jealous at all, but me being a clueless girlfriend that was like "WTF?!" all of the time. Or in layman's terms, maybe this magical, miracle jealousy cure I've done for myself has nothing to do with jealousy, and everything to do with letting go of a shitty girlfriend? Don't date an asshole, and voila! You're cured.
Not getting jealous also calls for being happy for other people. Do you recall in school, when recess was still a luxury, and picking teams for kickball was the scariest part of the day? No more being the poor sport because you were picked last everyday. It's time to be happy for the fat kid everyone called "Big Foot" who, without fail, got picked first every time (it is a game of kicking, after all). Everyone has their time. Take the good with the bad, and be happy for others when you need to be. It will save you so much worry, and you will be much more well-liked for this. Now, just to clarify, I'm not saying, for instance, to be happy for the person who was lucky enough to run away with the person you are in love with, or for the person who swoops in so sheepishly and next thing you know, you're single. Fuck that - be unhappy for those people all you want, if that's the case. I'm just saying, in terms of jealousy in KICKBALL, be happy for the fat kid... Just in kickball and fat kids does this apply.. ; )
Lastly, the oldest trick in the not getting jealous book: be so damn good. Be so damn good at being a significant other that the person you are with doesn't want you to feel jealous or insecure. Be so damn good at being happy & confident with who you are, that anyone attempting to make you jealous will fall flat on their face. Be so damn good at caring just enough, but not enough to get wrapped up in comparing yourself to anyone else. Finally, be so damn good in as many ways as possible...so that when a person doesn't see just how damn good you are, they will be completely jealous of the person that does.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thought Catalog Copycat #2: What People Won't Tell You About Love
(I'm back at it - copying off of my favorite daily read. The inspiration: What People Won't Tell You About Love by Ryan O'Connell.)
People might tell you that love is the best feeling in the world, but they won't tell you that it has the means of being the worst feeling in the world, too. People won't tell you that love is scary. It's scary because you never know when it will be gone. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that, even when you think it's love, it's really only lust, or infatuation, or like, but it's not love at all. People won't tell you that love is only love until someone isn't in love anymore. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that love, contrary to popular belief, really is a game. People won't tell you that love is all about power, about strength, about being the bigger person. People won't tell you that you are too self-absorbed to love someone right now. People won't tell you to take a breather, or to sit this one out. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that you are being used. They won't tell you that the attention someone is giving you is actually for their own benefit more than yours, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that your relationship should have ended a long time ago. People won't tell you that, while relationships are hard and difficult, yours is way too hard, and way too difficult, and there is someone better for you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People will rush to tell you to 'get over it,' or to 'let it go,' but people won't tell you to keep trying, try again, try harder. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that when you do feel like you could be in love, when it's that rare, rare feeling, where you're giddy and passionate, and your reality is so great it couldn't possibly be reality, they won't tell you that you found a keeper. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that when there is someone that's the first person you think of in the morning, and they cross your mind more than anyone else throughout each day, and they're the last person you think of at night, people won't tell you to hold on to that. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you, once you've found that person, to stay by their side. People won't tell you how rare that is, and they won't tell you how crazy you are to let that love go. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that not hearing these things will definitely hurt worse than hearing them ever could.
People might tell you that love is the best feeling in the world, but they won't tell you that it has the means of being the worst feeling in the world, too. People won't tell you that love is scary. It's scary because you never know when it will be gone. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that, even when you think it's love, it's really only lust, or infatuation, or like, but it's not love at all. People won't tell you that love is only love until someone isn't in love anymore. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that love, contrary to popular belief, really is a game. People won't tell you that love is all about power, about strength, about being the bigger person. People won't tell you that you are too self-absorbed to love someone right now. People won't tell you to take a breather, or to sit this one out. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that you are being used. They won't tell you that the attention someone is giving you is actually for their own benefit more than yours, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that your relationship should have ended a long time ago. People won't tell you that, while relationships are hard and difficult, yours is way too hard, and way too difficult, and there is someone better for you. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People will rush to tell you to 'get over it,' or to 'let it go,' but people won't tell you to keep trying, try again, try harder. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that when you do feel like you could be in love, when it's that rare, rare feeling, where you're giddy and passionate, and your reality is so great it couldn't possibly be reality, they won't tell you that you found a keeper. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that when there is someone that's the first person you think of in the morning, and they cross your mind more than anyone else throughout each day, and they're the last person you think of at night, people won't tell you to hold on to that. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you, once you've found that person, to stay by their side. People won't tell you how rare that is, and they won't tell you how crazy you are to let that love go. They won't tell you because it might hurt to hear.
People won't tell you that not hearing these things will definitely hurt worse than hearing them ever could.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
4 OkCupid Syndromes Catching On Like the Plague
I am the first to admit I'm not big into dating these days. Call me lazy, call me cynical, call me whatever you like, but dating is just not something I'm subjecting myself to at this point in time. However, that doesn't keep me from stalking every boyish-looking lesbian I see on OkCupid; even if they do happen to reside in Ontario, Canada and their status explicitly states that they are "Seeing Someone" (don't get me started as to why those that are "Seeing Someone" have recently viewed my page, or even have their own page to begin with...).
The syndromes working against all single, somewhat normal lesbians on OkCupid:
1. The Self-Proclaimed Nomad Syndrome
The first thing in their profile is that they just quit their day job in order to take off to some magical place that might as well be fucking Atlantis or some shit. I'm not sure when it became such a "queer" thing to do- this whole up and leaving thing. Or maybe it's an 'everyone in their twenties' thing (I'd have to get the opinions of my straight friends, as I'm not an expert in the area). Either way, how does one expect to build any kind of lasting relationship while building a life of leaving? I completely understand the urge to get away to a bigger and better place. Trust me, it crosses my mind on a regular basis. But then I call my sister and have her bring me back down to Earth (honest- this just happened last night. Right, Shannon?) She reminds me that I have an awesome, legit job, a close-knit family, friends, and a home. It's like I'm having an asthma attack and she's my inhaler...... Weird. Anyways, ROOTS, people, it's called ROOTS. Travel the globe, yes, please do this. But build a future, too. It's not just about the here and now. Don't wait until your 40, homeless, and broke to discover this.
2. The 'I'm a Vegetarian' Syndrome
I don't judge what other people eat. OBVIOUSLY. But I simply cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I get when I come across a hot, funny, stylish lesbian who also happens to include in her profile that "chicken wings are my favorite!" It's like this: I know plenty of vegetarians, and it's totally fine, I respect it and don't mind it. But it's turned into a fun game. Finding a lesbian on OkCupid that isn't a vegetarian feels sort of like I just found the final item on my Girl Scout Scavenger Hunt list. I can now receive my LESBIANS WHO EAT MEAT patch. That's right, bitches.
3. The "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" Syndrome
I don't read. I can't. I've tried everything in my power. It's a wretched cycle I cannot break: I research books for days on end, finally purchase one, get through Chapter 2, fall asleep, the book doesn't leave my nightstand ever again. I think I have something wrong with me, because I want to read SO badly, but it just doesn't work out. Well, apparently, I'm the only lesbian like this. Every other lesbian seems to have a list a mile long of books that they ABSOLUTELY LOVE, and anyone who doesn't read is just not smart. I can take that... I've been called worse. But seriously, read something other than "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." That movie is about to come out, soon enough I'll be able to lie and tell you I read the book, anyways. Now who's the smart one?!
4. The 21 & Up Syndrome
I took this straight out of a billion lesbian profiles. When OkCupid asks "What Are You Interested In?", it's like a written rule that anyone of the age to drink alcohol is a potential mate.
"Interested in: Girls that like Girls
Ages: 21-35
Located: Anywhere."
Well, excuse me for noticing, but you are THIRTY years old. Just because someone can finally walk across town, simultaneously shot-gunning a beer, without getting a MIP, that doesn't mean they are ready to be in a relationship with you. I'm all for doubling and tripling your odds these days by extending your age range and eliminating all location barriers. But, let's use our heads and think about this. Most lesbians aren't even out of their "I'm going to bang every chick and their mom" phase until they are in their mid-twenties or something like that. If you are seriously looking, raise your standards a bit - or at least by a couple of years.
p.s. As I said, not ALL of the lesbians are awful.. Some of them also enjoy City and Colour, they at least acknowledge that they have a family, and they wear bow ties, along with other miscellaneous things that absolutely melt my gay, gay, EXTREMELY GAY heart. Those lesbians prove that not all hope is completely lost. Thanks for that. OH, and if you are one of them, please message me.
By doing my fair share of creepin' during my single days, (and writing the very, very rare "hey, you look like I could like you" message- Not all of the girls are awful, after all), I've noticed some rather large trends among the lesbian community on OkCupid. If you ever wonder, like, I don't know, five years from now, why I am still hopelessly single and why I've gone on less than 2 dates, just reread this article and you'll be reminded.
The syndromes working against all single, somewhat normal lesbians on OkCupid:
1. The Self-Proclaimed Nomad Syndrome
The first thing in their profile is that they just quit their day job in order to take off to some magical place that might as well be fucking Atlantis or some shit. I'm not sure when it became such a "queer" thing to do- this whole up and leaving thing. Or maybe it's an 'everyone in their twenties' thing (I'd have to get the opinions of my straight friends, as I'm not an expert in the area). Either way, how does one expect to build any kind of lasting relationship while building a life of leaving? I completely understand the urge to get away to a bigger and better place. Trust me, it crosses my mind on a regular basis. But then I call my sister and have her bring me back down to Earth (honest- this just happened last night. Right, Shannon?) She reminds me that I have an awesome, legit job, a close-knit family, friends, and a home. It's like I'm having an asthma attack and she's my inhaler...... Weird. Anyways, ROOTS, people, it's called ROOTS. Travel the globe, yes, please do this. But build a future, too. It's not just about the here and now. Don't wait until your 40, homeless, and broke to discover this.
2. The 'I'm a Vegetarian' Syndrome
I don't judge what other people eat. OBVIOUSLY. But I simply cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I get when I come across a hot, funny, stylish lesbian who also happens to include in her profile that "chicken wings are my favorite!" It's like this: I know plenty of vegetarians, and it's totally fine, I respect it and don't mind it. But it's turned into a fun game. Finding a lesbian on OkCupid that isn't a vegetarian feels sort of like I just found the final item on my Girl Scout Scavenger Hunt list. I can now receive my LESBIANS WHO EAT MEAT patch. That's right, bitches.
3. The "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" Syndrome
I don't read. I can't. I've tried everything in my power. It's a wretched cycle I cannot break: I research books for days on end, finally purchase one, get through Chapter 2, fall asleep, the book doesn't leave my nightstand ever again. I think I have something wrong with me, because I want to read SO badly, but it just doesn't work out. Well, apparently, I'm the only lesbian like this. Every other lesbian seems to have a list a mile long of books that they ABSOLUTELY LOVE, and anyone who doesn't read is just not smart. I can take that... I've been called worse. But seriously, read something other than "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." That movie is about to come out, soon enough I'll be able to lie and tell you I read the book, anyways. Now who's the smart one?!
4. The 21 & Up Syndrome
I took this straight out of a billion lesbian profiles. When OkCupid asks "What Are You Interested In?", it's like a written rule that anyone of the age to drink alcohol is a potential mate.
"Interested in: Girls that like Girls
Ages: 21-35
Located: Anywhere."
Well, excuse me for noticing, but you are THIRTY years old. Just because someone can finally walk across town, simultaneously shot-gunning a beer, without getting a MIP, that doesn't mean they are ready to be in a relationship with you. I'm all for doubling and tripling your odds these days by extending your age range and eliminating all location barriers. But, let's use our heads and think about this. Most lesbians aren't even out of their "I'm going to bang every chick and their mom" phase until they are in their mid-twenties or something like that. If you are seriously looking, raise your standards a bit - or at least by a couple of years.
p.s. As I said, not ALL of the lesbians are awful.. Some of them also enjoy City and Colour, they at least acknowledge that they have a family, and they wear bow ties, along with other miscellaneous things that absolutely melt my gay, gay, EXTREMELY GAY heart. Those lesbians prove that not all hope is completely lost. Thanks for that. OH, and if you are one of them, please message me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I'm Probably Going to Fall in Love with You If...
I’m Probably Going to Fall in Love with You If…
(you’ve been warned)
· You save me from my reality.
· You’d give me a free pass for Kiyomi McCloskey and Tegan Quin.
· You can introduce me to new things and you aren’t afraid to do something new, too. Who says not having a shit-ton in common is a horrible thing?
· You have no idea how smart you are.
· We laugh harder than we’ve laughed in forever.
· You send me flowers for no reason other than you know I love flowers.
· You aren’t afraid to play.
· You aren’t too good to laugh at yourself or ask for help. It’s nice to feel needed.
· We can hang out with only each other and love it.
· We can hang out with other people together and remember to pay attention to each other.
· You don’t mind talking to me throughout the day.
· You love your family and you can’t wait to meet mine.
· We can spend money and not harp on each other for it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: no one likes a cheap ass.
· You recognize when you are wrong or when you are being an ass. We laugh about it when it’s no longer a big deal.
· You can make me dinner, and don’t expect me to make you dinner in return. :/ Trust me on this one.
· We can give each other shit and it’s fun, not mean.
· You aren’t afraid to spoil someone.
· We both get justtherightamount jealous of other people. And then we both think it’s cute.
· You aren’t afraid to dance, even if it means you will make a total fool of yourself.
· One word texts are nothing that you do.
· Everyone knows how we feel about each other.
· If I do something to piss you off, I’m the first to know about it.
· You like surprises, and you also like to plan them.
· You give me as much attention as you need in return.
· You’re persistent.
· If I tell you I’m insecure about someone/something, you help me to feel better.
· You aren’t a bad driver, bad tipper, bad kisser, or bad lover. (Is that too much to ask?)
· You know when it’s okay to act like a child and when it’s okay to act like an adult.
· You’re the bigger person in your friendships.
· We can agree to disagree and still want to bang each other.
· You have your own opinions and aren’t afraid to make them known, but you don’t force them on anyone because that would make you a douche.
· You feel so great it’s almost too good to be true, but alas, it is indeed true.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
30 Things that Cross My Mind on My 30-Minute Commute
Sometimes I legitimately start to think I'm a crazy person due to the random shit that consumes my head during my 30-minute commute. The things that cross my mind are not always healthy, but they are surely ridiculous. In my defense, my morning commute is SO early... 6:30am is far too early to be capable of thinking clearly. That's why the things I think about make me a nut-job. Read on, you'll see what I mean:
- Monday can suuuuuuuuuuuck my butt.
- Dear iPod, please stay away from any sad love songs this morning. I'm not stable enough for this nonsense this early in the am. Skip that song... and that song...
- I wonder what Zac Hanson is doing right now...
- I definitely shouldn't have stayed out until 3am.
- NEED CAFFEINE IMMEDIATELY.
- Reminder: I have to have a job. I worked hard to make it this far. This is what I SHOULD be doing. Just keep swimming.
- Someday I'll drive a car for this 30 minutes that doesn't have ANY blown speakers, and it will be in. fucking. credible.
- I think I'm still drunk.
- What's for breakfast? And lunch? What's for dinner?
- It's just a little rain, step on it, pokey!
- Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend... no way, no way, I think you need a new one.
- I know it's the ass crack of dawn right now, but why must you drive like an idiot?!
- Hope I don't make any last minute plans for after work because my hair looks a hot mess now, I can only imagine what it will look like 10 hours from now.
- Ugh, I miss you.
- How much sick leave do I have available? You're halfway there, Erica. Be a grown up, damnit.
- I hope no one freaking bothers me today. And I also hope I don't get any random assignments. Or any emails for that matter. Yea, I hope no one emails me or calls me or even LOOKS AT ME.
- I'm definitely still drunk.
- I'm totally taking a nap when I get off work.
- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number...
- Thank god this day is over, I'm finally free!
- What's for dinner?!
- Go home, run, make something healthy for dinner, don't spend any money.
- I'm so grateful my sister invited me to dinner, I almost had to go home, run, and make my own dinner! Close call on that one.
- Why is my gas tank ALWAYS on E? Never fails.
- Yes, I dance alone in my car, nosey car next to me. Say somethin!
- I can't believe I didn't get pulled over just then... must have hit the brakes JIT.
- ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL!
- Is it pay day yet?
- I need sleeeeeeeep.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
4 Cliche Datisms That I Wish Weren't Mine, But Unfortunately They Are and I Have to Live with That, So You Do, Too.
First of all, isn't that a sweet title?! My angst and frustration are vividly demonstrated.
When it comes to dating, you could say I'm like the kid on the soccer team that's really great at scoring goals, and not really great at knowing which goal to score in. Everyone could be yelling from the sidelines that I'm "GOING THE WRONG WAY!" but I'd end up shooting anyway, and making all net, baby, and that's all that matters! Riiiiiight?
If I lost you in that analogy, I think I mean, in terms of dating, I am always chasing after the wrong ones and leaving the good ones a half a field behind me. Maybe not always, but it's definitely been known to happen from time to time. I'm pretty typical - a typical lesbian, a typical chick, a typical type - you could say. I'd like to think that I'd finally be different for someone, or make someone want to be different and change their own ways, but who am I kidding? Apparently, I'm just a giant walking lesbo cliche.
Here's some things I do in dating that are just super cliche and typical. All I can say about them is I'm aware of them, I TRY to work on them, and my bad, man.
When it comes to dating, you could say I'm like the kid on the soccer team that's really great at scoring goals, and not really great at knowing which goal to score in. Everyone could be yelling from the sidelines that I'm "GOING THE WRONG WAY!" but I'd end up shooting anyway, and making all net, baby, and that's all that matters! Riiiiiight?
If I lost you in that analogy, I think I mean, in terms of dating, I am always chasing after the wrong ones and leaving the good ones a half a field behind me. Maybe not always, but it's definitely been known to happen from time to time. I'm pretty typical - a typical lesbian, a typical chick, a typical type - you could say. I'd like to think that I'd finally be different for someone, or make someone want to be different and change their own ways, but who am I kidding? Apparently, I'm just a giant walking lesbo cliche.
Here's some things I do in dating that are just super cliche and typical. All I can say about them is I'm aware of them, I TRY to work on them, and my bad, man.
- Jumping to conclusions. Regardless of your real reasons, I've been known to create my own. Good or bad, well, that's neither here nor there, of course. Maybe it's my independence and my ability to think for myself (yea, that's it...), or maybe it's just that the people I've dated have the tendency to blur the lines a little bit in an attempt to keep me guessing or to make my life hell. Either way, I'm not a fan of the open-endedness that tends to haunt my love life. Therefore, creating these excuse-filled conclusions for the lack-luster loves in my life gives me a sense of control and closure. And it also gives me the ability to give you the finger every time you cross my mind now. Because I'm mature like that.
- Not making my feelings known. I sometimes attempt to be the laid-back, care-free and "Of course I can fly by the seat of my pants!" girl that everyone seems to be looking for these days. After much introverted deliberation, involving singledom and alcohol, I'm sure, I sometimes keep my true feelings building up inside of me until there's a fork in the road and I finally have to make my feelings known. At that point it can be too late. I tell myself it's never too late for true love - that just wasn't meant to be. I know what you're thinking but hey, I TOLD YOU THESE WERE CLICHES, OKAY?!
- Seeming desperate when I'm really just bored, lonely, or -well- horny. I know that the line between desperation and pretty much ANYTHING will almost always mean desperation. But to me, desperation is just disappointment in disguise. Someone that's desperate is really just finally realizing that the person they are in love with is no longer impressive. In fact, they are unimpressive in every possible way. Now, they have to deal with that gigantic dick of a let-down. BUT before they deal, they hit rock bottom and play any card they can. Not by choice, of course. But we've all done it. NOT JUST ME. I hate desperation almost as much as I hate jealousy (nothing really comes close to jealousy, though). The idea of seeming desperate was most likely thought up by some very conceited person that was so utterly glad to have the attention of someone, but who had too much pride to admit that they might feel the same way. So they just pretend that they don't feel that way, and they call you a crazy desperate person to make themselves look good. There. Take that, desperation creator. I called you out.
- Having a one-track mind. I am not a good dater whatsoever. If I have someone on my mind, it's literally impossible for me to successfully date anyone else. Because of two reasons: I feel like I'm ripping myself off by being with someone I don't necessarily want to be with, and obviously, I feel like I'm ripping off my date. Even if they are still thinking about their ex the entire time we are together, I'd rather not be together at all in that case. Maybe we could just take shots, and talk about who we REALLY wish we were with at this awesome bar? Now, that's a date I'd attend.
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