Let me preface this particular blog with this: I realize that messaging strangers on an online dating site can be a nerve-wracking and scary task. Your palms are sweaty; you double and triple check your spelling (well, if you're one of the ones messaging me you don't, but I'd assume most people do); you check for accuracy just in case one day you are seriously dating this person, they don't catch you in some massive lie- trust me, girls are good at those sorts of things; you probably try to think of something witty or outside the box to say as to set yourself apart from the oodles of other fish in the sea. I get it. It takes work to perfect your OkCupid message. It's an art, really. Well, in order to save you time, in case you decide to message me eventually, here are some simple things to get you on the right track.
Please don't bother messaging me on OkCupid if and when...
1. You would rather ask me out to coffee instead of out for drinks. There are two main reasons this would not go over well. a) If you're the coffee > alcohol type, I probably don't take myself serious enough for you and b) you're most likely way more philosophically driven than I am. This isn't me dragging myself down; I'm a smart gal and intellect is probably somewhere in my Top 5 traits in a potential mate. But nothing screams "AWWWKward" more to me than a first meeting at Starbucks. Better yet, please invite me to Starbucks, preferably around 2pm on a Saturday. It would give me a reason to wake up at 9am and start drinking. :) It's bound to be an interesting first meet-up.
2. Your entire message is "Hi." Really? That's the best you could come up with? I'm not looking for wedding vows or something super profound by any means. But a demonstration of a slight interest might help. Maybe something that takes a little sense of humor or, at least, a little thought. Unless you're TRYING not to get a response from me. You really know what you're doing in that case.
3. Your name is Jose, Jesus, or Omarion. First of all, that would mean you are of the male sex. Check again, my friend. GAY isn't the same as bisexual, borderline trashy girl on a dating site trying my hardest to hook up witchou or anyone else that's willing. It also suggests that you managed to creep me on Facebook (I don't mind the creeping, let's make that known now) to discover that I was so generously blessed with a badonkadonk (I do mind you messaging me about my ass, though. At least when we're strangers, anyway). No thank you.
4. You have an opinion of which of my pictures is more attractive than the others, and you proceed to tell me about it. Thanks for the opinion, however, if I was interested in which picture of mine appealed to you most, I probably would have messaged you already. Also, no need to proceed in looking at my profile on a daily basis, either. I'm not responding. Give it up.
5. Your relationship status says "Seeing Someone" or you don't have a relationship status listed because if you did, no one would talk to you. If I wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, I'm sure there's creepy dating sites for those crazy ass people, too. But that's the LAST thing I'm interested in, obviously. So, again, move along. I require a lot of attention from my significant other, and if you're talking to Brandy, Monica, AND me, I can already tell this won't get very far.
6. You have more than five spelling errors in your less-than-three-sentence message. As an adult with a proper education, it's only natural for me to cringe at your awful spelling and poor grammar usage. Slang is allowed as long as it's not gang lingo that I would never be capable of deciphering unless I employed the help of G-Unit.
7. You could never date someone that loves Hanson. I won't lie. I listened to them the entire time I was writing this. I'M COOL LIKE THAT. My inbox will be flooded now...
8. You just got dumped. Now, if you did the dumping, then sure. Message away. But if you just got dumped, please refrain. I'm not in any spot to deal with ex-girlfriend drama. I don't like to compete for anyone's time, and I sure as hell don't like to spend my time wondering if you'd rather be messaging your ex. Just get your shit together, then attempt to talk to other people. It will go much smoother for you and for the person you're trying to talk to.
9. You live at home with your parents and you are trying to "find yourself." SORRY. I'm over the age of 21, and even though I don't nearly have everything in my life together, I think I am on the right track. There's an entire world full of potential lesbian lovers that I'm tending to right now, so step up your game, man. Living with your rents at the ripe ol' age of 25 and working at a fast food joint is not "living young, wild, and free." I'm not trying to take care of someone. I am trying to be impressed by someone.
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