What I Tell Those That Are Younger Than Me About Money

It's the root of all evil. Right? That's how the saying goes, anyway. And I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREE. I know, I know. That might make me more of an AWFUL person than it does anything half-way positive, but hey, it is what it is.

I'm not irresponsible. Let's get that out there, first and foremost. I've never been a huge saver, nor have I been one to blow my money on useless, needless, way-out-of-my-means material things. I own my own home. That makes me legit, right? I despise purchasing electronic things - which is evident by my 1950's-ness 19-inch television currently tackin' up my cute living room. Electronics are expensive. I don't find those purchases fun whatsoever. (But, I love electronic GIFTS! Those are *free!*) Even outside of electronics, I somehow refrain from over-indulging in my expensive hobbies like crafting, for example. Lord knows, Martha Stuart is somewhere-maybe incarcerated, who knows-laughing at all those middle aged scrapbooking/card-making suckers. I don't allow myself to purchase all of the HOT workout clothes I hunt down, even though I torture myself by seeking it out, staring at it via the Interwebs, then never actually being able to purchase these things (if you know Lululemon, you know what I'm talking about here.) Given these few examples, I think I've proven my exceptional willingness to not blow my wad on unnecessary things. I'm curtsying right now.

With all of that said, I'm no expert on money. I'm a 20something, after all, and if you ask me, it's still OK for me to be a little financially UNsavvy. But the time's a wastin' and soon, I'll wake up a broke 40-year-old if I continue down this destructive path. Alright, that's a little dramatic, and it's really not even close to THAT bad, but still. I'm instilling fright in the youngins, don't ya know.

If ever I'm asked by anyone younger than me, I already prepared a very practical answer for all of their financial inquiries. And if ever I have children of my own (God. Bless. Ed.), I'm already 99 percent certain of what I would tell them. There is a secret to being financially savvy in your twenties. And it is literally one piece of advice: don't go to college.

You might think this is bad advice. Because, well, let's be honest, it's really, really, horrible advice, especially coming from someone that has a Masters degree. It's maybe the shittiest advice a young person in today's world needs to receive. But seriously, college breaks yo' ass. It might not seem like it when you are having the fanciest time of your life and spending that Chase student loan drinking studying abroad somewhere fancy. But trust me in that you have to pay for that fancy 20th bottle of fancy French wine eventually. Fancy.

I'm typically the "it's just money, go big or go home" type, and I absolutely HATE that "I don't have the money" is an acceptable excuse in today's world. I like to do lots of activities. I like concerts, and traveling, and god forbid, I like fucking nice things, man. I don't have cheap taste, and that's a really good thing. Even if my income at the current time doesn't condone this luxurious lifestyle, someday it will and I will LIVE. IT. UP. in every way I know how. But for now, I really just wanted to vent in order to portray my hatred for Chase and the smooth way that student loans manage to throw a rather expensive kink in my snobby taste. Even with my salary-based government job.

In conclusion, if you're young, please disregard my advice above and consider this the revised version: DO go to college. But only if a) your parents are buyin', 2) you are a smart cookie and got a full ride or some shit, or c) you're a drug dealer, dating a sugar daddy you found here, or picking a career that will ACTUALLY make you a substantial amount of money within, let's just say (for no reason whatsoever), 6 months (yep, that's all you got, kids.) of graduation.

Otherwise, catch ya on the broke side, suckas. At least I won't be alone.

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out

No, this isn't a trick! I know what you're thinking. This cannot possibly be a blog about anything other than relationships/dating/sex/lesbians/monogamy/more relationships/more sex. Alas, my frands, it most certainly is a blog about something else! Hip, hip, HOORAY!

Working out has so many benefits. I think we've all been drilled long enough in our lives to know that we should get our asses to the gym, and get our asses outside, blah, blah, blah. We KNOW working out is great for us. What people sometimes fail to mention is why working out completely fucking sucks for us. But Erica doesn't fail, damn you.

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out:

1. Close Proximity. When I'm at the gym and I can hear the guy on the treadmill next to me talking to himself more than I can hear AWOLNATION in my ear (my flavor of the week!), the treadmills are too damn close. When I'm gagging from inhaling your cologne, the treadmills are too damn close. Finally, if your sweat is swinging around and I happen to feel it land on my arm, the treadmills are too damn close. Sensing the trend? Sometimes ONE LESS machine in the gym can open up a world of possibilities. We are trying to work out, after all, not get all up on each other.
2. You have to wear clothes. Work out clothes can seriously be some of the most uncomfortable clothes EVER. If they're too tight, too baggy, to restricting, too spandexy (eek), they can be more of hindrance than a help. I feel so strongly about this that I even tweeted @oldnavy tonight while working out letting them know how grateful I was for their workout capris. I know... I'm a social media whore.
3. Results. After you get done with an intense work out, and look in the mirror, and you expect to see Allison Williams, or Zosia Mamet, (or practically anyone on GIRLS besides Lena Dunham), but you still kind of see Lena Dunham. Not that Lena Dunham isn't beautiful, because she most definitely is beautiful. But ol' girl doesn't exactly scream "I work out!" The results take for. ever. and that's no secret. 
4. Not getting to the gym. If you're like me and have a very strict routine that you absolutely need to abide by in order to get shit done, then....let's just say, a 24-hour spell of food poisoning, can throw a giant wrench in your work out routine. Yes, this did just happen to me. Good news is food poisoning does wonders for weight loss...
5. Missing something. How many times have you gotten to the gym, or pulled into the park for a jog, and suddenly realized you left your cell phone at home? Or even worse, your head phones. Shit happens. And this shit is almost impossible to recover from. When I'm music-less on my work outs, good luck getting me to last longer than 20 minutes doing any activity whatsoever. Well... maybe not ANY activity whatsoever... 

Shit. I just made it a blog about sex.

Why "Dating" Sucks Ass

I have always been the relationship type. I have said it a thousand times in this blog, and I will never hesitate to admit again that I have a serious disorder of the one-track mind. I am no good at juggling multiple people. I totally, completely, without a doubt whatsoever, fucking suck at dating. Sure, I love spending time with lots of interesting people, and why, yes, of course, I would love to bang every interesting person I come in contact with (I talk a big talk...). But I have this thing... it's a very difficult concept these days... but I despise the idea of being into more than one person at a time. Not only that, but I also despise when people I AM interested in are seeing me, that hot girl, and that hot girl, and oh, that one, too. I like one person at a time, and, unfortunately, I expect the same. If you want to know why I am the way I am, it's really rather simple: I expect way too much attention to be one of many. I'm not ashamed!

However, even with my own theories and realities when it comes to modern-day dating, I still give mad props to those people that I come across that live to date multiples. Somehow, there are people that manage to simultaneously text two or three prospects, all the while remembering which night is booked with which girl, which girl it was that had that giant love of flowers & which girl was completely allergic to them, and which thing it is that totally turns which girl on. I mean, just thinking about all of that shit makes me want to go to bed and never romanticize about anyone EVER again.

Holidays. In my eyes, the Holidays would be the absolute worst time to be seeing more than one person. Holidays as a typical dater equals even more family get togethers, spending money on even more gifts for everyone you're currently sharing sheets with, and, not to mention, every Saturday in December will consist of ice skating and hot chocolate. I mean, if you want to make it easier on yourself, invite all the chicks you are talking to to go ice skating with you on the same night! GENIUS. You can always just say "I'm going ice skating with a group tonight. I'd love it if you'd join us!" I bet they would have no clue.

You know what else effing sucks titties about dating more than one person at once? Two words. SOCIAL. MEDIA. Although it stinks, you have to admit that social media makes these, Daters of Multiples, we shall call them, even more credit worthy. How the H-E-double hockey sticks does someone not only manage, but actually feel legit about, checking in with Chick #1 on Friday, posting a picture with Chick #2 on Saturday night, and tweeting at Chick #3 when they get home from date night with Chick #2? You still following? Yea, me either! How do THEY follow it?!

If I was a Dater of Multiples committing the acts previously mentioned, I'm almost positive that with some of the Facebook creepers I got all up in my grill all of the time, I would do nothing except answer questions in order to explain myself come Sunday evening. And, if I'm not lucky enough to have friends that ask me questions, I'm almost even more positive that the Facebook-wide assumption would be made that I'm just a slut playin' people like I'm Tech N9ne (...cause I'm a wicked thug and I throw away my ticket stub... don't act like you don't know the jam!)

I know what you're thinking. "This is the whole point of DATING!" Not to be tied down to one person, and having fun with lots of people until you are ready to pick JUST one. But the way I see it, if you are seeing someone that you are seriously interested in, you won't feel the NEED to see other people. In my experience, if there's a hot girl, and I am thoroughly enjoying my time with her, both at dinner and in bed, whhhhhy would I need to do double the work with yet ANOTHER girl?

What can I say? I suppose I'm a minimalist. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to try to maneuver several dates into my alreadyjampackedwithmyownshit schedule. Maybe deep down, I'm seriously jealous that I am not capable of dating 3, 4, 5 people at once.

Unless, of course, those 3, 4, or 5 people are ONLY seeing me. :D

Someone

It's never easy, they say. 

But sometimes, it is.

It's easy to forgive someone for something you never thought would happen.

It's easy to forgive it, twice.

It's easy to feel guilty for no reason whatsoever.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want to try to rebuild, start from scratch, get to know someone all over again.

It's easy to believe that the words someone is telling you are true. 

It's easy to believe that their actions are supporting those words, 

Even when you aren't around to see for yourself. 

It's easy to make excuses for someone until you're blue in the face. 

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want something that you used to know like the back of your hand. 

It's easy to want to be loved like you were when you didn't have to worry. 

It's easy to feel insecure about the same thing, over and over, because it never gets better.

It's easy to have your feelings shamed because the one you're telling them to can't seem to understand.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to make mistakes.

It's easy to be quick to blame someone else for their mistakes.

It's easy to expect a lot.

It's easy to avoid the difficult questions.

It's easy to ignore the insults.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy, almost the easiest thing in the world, to fall back into an idea of someone. 

It's easy to let the hope that someone has grown up and seen the light make you run toward them at full speed, arms wide open. 

It's easy to be crushed by someone, so much so that you come crumbling down, heart first, twice.

Eventually, it gets easier to let that someone go.

The Theory of Emotional Unavailability

For better or for worse, I've recently become one of those people who is simply going with the flow when it comes to people I'm "talking to" (Someone remind me, when does it become dating again? Who fucking knows, man. "Talking to," it is). Let me be clear; this is, maybe, 50 percent by choice, 50 percent by force. But, if I'm being real here, it's mostly by force. While I am enjoying my singlehood, I'll be the first to admit that there's something a little dysfunctional about going into every new "relationship" with my guard up, not to mention being a self-proclaimed emotionally unavailable person. (So far, it isn't nearly as amazing as it is in Friends with Benefits).

Regardless of my own feelings on a given situation, it seems the people I tend to..... be into, for lack of a better term.... are living by their own agenda. I suppose I can't blame them; I guess we are all living by our own agendas, after all. I've been living by my own agenda for some time now, and I'm finally going to take a hard look at this Unemotional Erica that I've got going on. After kissing many-a-frogs, I became this way because I refuse to fully invest myself in someone who is even slightly uncertain about me... thus, I go with the flow. I do me, and I do a little bit of them, BUT I mostly do me. :D

I can't help but think about what the true meaning of "emotionally unavailable" is. Sure, it's taking things slowly, and feeling it out. It's probably a little less talk and a lot more action (or a little less of both, if you found a REALLY unavailable one; aren't you lucky). But is it taking things slowly just in case something better comes up? Is it just a comforting person that you like to have around, but don't actually see in your future, so there's no need to move at a normal pace? Is it that you are still hung up on an ex and you can't ride two horses with one ass? I mean, now, that's actually super legit. But why bother being a part of any relationship at all if you go into it thinking that all you want is just a tip? Or maybe just an ass-out hug? Maybe I'm fixin' to leave this poor feller blue-balling because I can't manage to go all of the way? Really? Okay, I think that's probably all of the sexual analogies it takes to successfully describe my Theory of Emotional Unavailability. You're followin' now, I'm sure.

You see, I have these things called standards. I quite like them. They make me feel very adult-like, and keep me in check with what it is I am looking for in a significant other. Everyone has standards and expectations. That's how relationships end. Someone, whether it was you or your other half at the time, decided they couldn't stand for something, they weren't pleased with something, you didn't make the cut, or someone else would make the cut much better than you (ouch, sorry). Ultimately, an expectation somewhere along the time was bypassed and therefore, it's now defective.

I may take pride in having my standards, but others tend to confuse these here standards with what they like to call 'high expectations.' And people go into things half-assed, not because they are scared that THEIR expectations, needs, and wants won't be met, but because they aren't 100% certain that they want to do what it takes to meet the expectations, needs, and wants of the other person involved. Therefore, my friends, an "emotional unavailable" person is actually code for "I gotta see what kind of commitment level you expect from me, and then I'll decide if you're worth it." If the juice is worth the squeeze, because no one wants to be squeezing if it isn't worth the juicing.

Sure, if everyone involved is on the same page, there's probably minimal harm to be done. But the emotionally unavailable excuse only flies for so long. There is absolutely nothing sexy about two people who can't get their shit together in order to commit to each other. I would think this is especially true once you've passed a certain age, but that's just my theory, once again. 

I mean, we have all gotten our hearts broken into pieces from time to time, unfortunately, and we all get hurt here and there, not to mention, we get royally screwed over sometimes and all that bullshit, blah blah blah. But that's what finding someone else to be with is all about, is it not? (At least until you've reached a mature age where that is no longer needed. AKA Going around breaking hearts is no longer what the cool kids do, take note). Wipe those tears and throw away that pain. Put your big, adult panties on and earn yourself an "Exceeds Expectations" rating on the significant other performance review. You, too, need to be worth the fucking squeeze already. And emotionally unavailable is not something I juice to. 

(Apparently I needed one more sexual analogy to hit home).

Thought Catalog Copycat: What Happens When You're 26

It's about that time again where I recreate one of my favorite Thought Catalog reads! YAY! I love these. This one in particular, What Happens When You're 26 by Jessica Blankenship, is one of my faves because, well, obviously, I am 26. And I'd be the first to tell you that a mid-life crisis is fucking real, man. Anyone that says differently is lying straight to your face and putting on a brave face for you (isn't that nice?) At 26, as well as with almost any age besides the first few months of being 21, I feel no different than when I was 25, than when I was 24, 23, aaaaaaaaand you catch my drift. With that said, I've found myself facing obstacles and coming to realizations that I wouldn't change even if I had the chance. And just to put the icing on the cake, it's in song titles. Because that's how this bitch rolls.

You're the One That I Want

Twenty-six year olds have, for the most part, had the amazing pleasure of having their hearts shattered, put back together, and broken all over again. Not to mention, by this time, you've probably broken a heart or two, or three, yourself. As shitty as it is at the time, none of this has gone to waste. Every single heartbreak teaches us things. It makes us stronger. It allows us to see our breaking points; what you can handle and what you absolutely won't stand for in a relationship. Most of all, each heartbreak teaches us what we want. What we want and need in a significant other, and who can measure up to those wants and needs and who cannot. Finally, we can have standards and expectations that someone, somewhere, somehow might actually be okay with and exceed because we are, as a generation, slowly but hopefully, moving past our immature years where "sowing our wild oats" is the only goal in sight.

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are
It started Freshman year of college, at least for me, and even though I'm afraid it's a repeat process for the rest of one's life, I feel like at 26, I am finally completely capable of picking and choosing my friends. You realize that even through going away to school, to the weddings, to the babies (or even just the dogs for some), and to anything else that life brings, your friends are there and they are making it known to you. They try to make an effort, and they make time for you in their life. Your friends will do these things. If they aren't doing these things, I'm happy to tell you that you are now in your midtwentiesalmostthirties and you can kick those lame ass friend-wannabe's to the curb. I promise that once you do, once you finally let go, you will be an even better friend to those that deserve you.

Money, Money, Money
It's no secret that money doesn't grow on trees. Nor does it grow anywhere else. Money comes from a paycheck, that comes from a job, that comes from hard fucking work. I mean, unless you are a drug dealer, prefer to live on welfare and other miscellaneous government funding, or you have a significant other that rolls in the dough, you have to work hard and long (That's what she said! Sorry, I couldn't resist) to make money. I probably should have realized this when I got my first job at 15.5 (Taco Bell... impressive, IKR!) but I was a little slow on the uptake. I didn't realize the value of the dollar until my student loans were no longer deferred, I racked up my LOFT credit card, and I bought my own home. All things that have taught me, that no matter how excellent my taste may be, I can't be living a life of luxury on a 20somethings salary. Hi-ho, hi-ho, off to work I go!

Wild Ones/Single Ladies (What? It's a fucking mash up!)
Maybe it's the idea that my thirties are creeping up on me, or the mere fact that I'm single and trying to keep myself as booked up as possible, but I can honestly say that I have lived. it. fucking. up. in my mid twenties! Don't get me wrong, it's been amazing being single and doing me. But it makes me look forward to what's to come in my (hopefully) near future. I've been single long enough to get to know myself, and now I'm roughly about 78.2% prepared to share myself with someone else (EEEEEEEEK. As long as they do what I want to do at least SOMETIMES...). Before we get ahead of ourselves, first, please refer to "You're the One That I Want" above. :D

How Do You Like Me Now 

Not that you are done changing for the rest of your life or something cray cray like that, but at 26, I personally feel like I've really come into my own. This is me. I am who I am, I do what I want to do. I'm free to make my own choices about with whom I spend my time, what it is I do with my time, where I take my next trip, how I spend my money, etc. All of those things that make me who I am have always been there, but I've never felt more comfortable with them, or so certain of them until now. So, how do you like me now? 

That's rhetorical, by the way...

No, really. No need to answer.

5 Defining Moments & the Words that Define Them

"I think I'm in love with you."

Some of the things we catch ourselves saying take us off-guard. We didn't even know how to explain the way that we felt until we were blurting it out for the most important people in our lives to hear it. If this was some awful infomercial, and if every word you've ever spoken, or had spoken to you, was translatable in monetary form, I would make you a money-back guarantee. I can guarantee that those same things that we remember so vividly saying to people at one point in our lives, are also remembered by the people we said them to.

However, just as some of the people that come through your life will disappear, some of the things that were said to you may also go easily forgotten. No matter how big or small those words were at the time, not everything can remain. But even if you've only ever been in one single relationship, whether it's true or false, positive or negative, or it's completely rude or it's so nice it melts you, there's bound to be things you can't forget. Your head, your heart, and your soul just won't let you forget them. The memories remain for multiple reasons: some linger in your life just to remind you that there will be some bad times, and to keep you in check; even more so, though, some memories are simply there to remind you of the good (or great, or amazing) times, to make you feel giddy, and to put a beautiful smile on your face.

So, without further adieu, here the just a few of the defining moments in my life:

"I wanted to wait for you to try it." Granted, the entire context of this conversation involved trying sushi for the first time at the Drunken Fish, the idea that someone wanted so much to try this new food with me that they put off trying it with a group of friends made me smile. Not that I want to stop someone from doing what they want with who they want, but this person decided completely on their own that they wanted to share that experience with ME as opposed to someone else. Less than a week later, we went to the Drunken Fish and ate sushi together for the first time. While this sounds utterly ridiculous, in retrospect, this situation taught me what it meant to want to do new things with the one you love.

"Why are you being so dense?" Okay, so not the best thing to remember, but like I said, some shit just sticks with you, positive or negative, rude or nice. You can't help what you can remember. To put the icing on the cake, the best part about remembering this situation is that I don't remember a single thing about what caused someone to say such a thing. Unfortunately, I can supply you with no contextual information on this one. To this day, I couldn't tell you what "dense" thing I said, or what "dense" thing I did. All I can recall is that someone thought I was being dense, and it fucking hurt. All I can remember is them asking me "why are you being so dense?" I guess the dense part overshadowed the entire conversation prior to. That's how much it stuck out in my mind.

"Awww, I can see your laugh through the phone!" Again, with the context. This person was totally wasted and drunk-dialed my ass while I was passing out early (AKA being lame) on a work night. However, in their drunken stammer, they let it slip that they could picture me laughing through the phone to whatever wasted nonsense they had just said. It gave me butterflies, and made me realize that maybe this person wasn't just drunk-dialing me. Maybe they were thinking of me, and they really could picture me in their head. And if they were going to picture me, I'd much prefer to be laughing in the image, other than doing something idiotic like I am doing the other 98 percent of the time.

"Are you happy now?" Picture this: Me balling my eyes out, just having discovered some shitty information that would, in turn, put an end to one of the most important relationships in my life as a twentysomething. Instead of an apology or an attempt at fixing the situation, one of the most closed-up people I know began to cry in front of me for the what seemed like the first time ever. As tears streamed down her face, she asked me if I was happy now. The truth is, I was happy. I was happy that she could finally cry and show some sort of remorse. Most of all, I was happy to finally know that I meant enough to her that the things she had done, that impacted me so hugely, made her cry.

"No." It might be just one word, but depending on the context, this word can speak volumes. If I happen to ask you (in my mushy, cheesy, romantic way) if you think you need to date anyone else just to know if I'm the person you want to be with, and you quickly respond with "no," I'm going to remember it, regardless of whether or not it's the truth. Because, well, how am I to know what's the truth or what's a lie? Guess I just have to trust you. :)

The things that have stuck with me over time are, by far, some of the most defining moments in my life. They were said to me by people I think highly of, by people that I love dearly, and by people that I am, to this day, not able to define my feelings for, but in the least, I know a part of me was just crazy about them.

These defining moments also prove that words really are the things that cause feelings - good and bad. And when it comes to words, some things are better left unsaid, because they might just be remembered. I also know that we aren't supposed to believe every word we hear, or (in this day and age) every word we read in a text message or in an email. But I guess in the end, all you have is your word, so we should make it an honest one at that.

On Hurting People

The things we are taught and told about hurting people, or being hurt by people, is quite contradicting when you really get down to it. It's from one extreme - "if they love you, they wouldn't hurt you" - to the other - "we hurt those that we love the most." These two stories have the possibility to drive someone like myself up a fucking wall. Regardless of my continuous cursing, and my never-ending cynicism, I'm the biggest sucker you'll ever know for romance. I've been this way for as long as I can remember (if only I knew where I got it from, so I had someone to blame for my sometimes ridiculous standards). Thus, I tend to lean toward the "if they loved you, they wouldn't hurt you," theory, because I mean, come on. Who WANTS to be hurt by someone they love just to be able to tell themselves "well, they hurt me, so they must love me most of all!"

Due to my romantic, fairy-tale believin' nature, I regrettably, by default, tend to judge people that I care about very quickly when they make mistakes and hurt the people they love, and, if I, myself, make a mistake and hurt someone, I tend to beat myself up about it for a long time (usually ending in a 'Okay, Erica, one more day of calling yourself a bitch, then you can be off the hook').

Now, when I say "hurt someone," I don't mean you dump someone and break their heart because you just aren't feeling what's between the two of you anymore, and I don't mean those little white lies we all tell like "NOOO, that dress doesn't make your ass look big..." I mean those hurts that literally hurt you just as much as the person you're hurting. When you know immediately that you've done something so stupid and careless that you don't even know what to tell yourself to make it go away. By hurting someone, I mean you've crossed a line and done something completely uncalled for. By hurting someone, I also mean that you are a cheater, or a liar, or you are constantly taking someone that you care about for granted for your own selfish reasons (*FYI, these are hypothetical examples*). Hurting someone in this manner shouldn't be the way you are "living your life." That's the life of a single person, no doubt. Not the life of a person in a 'messed up' relationship.

Because I melt to/wet my unders with the idea of monogamy, and because I have a one-track mind when it comes to who I'm buying alcoholic beverages for, and who I'm banging, I take my relationships more seriously than, maybe, most twentysomethings probably do. I also take the thought of hurting someone very seriously (don't we all?). Luckily, I haven't found myself in the situation on multiple occasions where I've felt like I completely fucked up. I've always taken pride in being loyal, honest and trustworthy. In retrospect, I must proudly admit that I have been on the receiving end of fuck ups on more occasions than I have been the one fucking up.

It's because of this little fact, however, that I've recently discovered how much like SHIT I feel when I know that I'm in the wrong. You see, for example, when you are a serial cheater, or a pathological liar (read: *again, these are just examples, I'm not attacking you, I swear*), these dishonest things become habits, and we tend to forget that not all habits are good ones. Just because it's how you've done things in the past, that doesn't mean that's how it should be. And just because something is already doomed, or not working, that doesn't give anyone a right to run it into the ground, crushing any pride and dignity that may be left. Kellie Pickler doesn't have to be right when she says "once a cheater, always a cheater," damnit. The woman CAN DO wrong.

When it comes to things like cheating, or being a "player," someone simply not being able to make up their mind, or someone crossing a line and just plain ol' effing up ROYALLY - I've, unfortunately, come to the realization that I cannot hold someone to my standards of what a relationship should look like. While I'd love everyone and their Mother to be honest, trustworthy and monogamy-loving people, some people just refuse to get down like that. Or maybe they don't refuse, but they are too scared to put all of their eggs in one basket, or maybe they just can't seem to get the fix that they are looking for. Regardless of why people do some of the things that they do that, in turn, hurt people, chances are those mistakes are not intentional.

It turns out, I usually have some almighty point that I intend to make with these blogs, or some ultimate "Erica believes this so this must be right" theory that I would like to thrust upon you for my own satisfaction. But lately, it doesn't seem politically correct to think that I would be capable of changing a persons way of thinking about relationships, as much as I thought I could with my, apparently unrealistic for modern relationships, logic and reasoning. In the time I've spent brainstorming about the topic of hurting someone (you know, just that little, tiny, minute thing of hurting someone), coming to an all-encompassing solution as to why we hurt people has been virtually - and intellectually - impossible. And trust me. Like everything else that's on my mind, I over-analyzed this in every way that I could in attempts to come to a conclusion.

So, instead of a clever ending to a not-so-clever blog, I'll leave you with this: I wonder how many times something has to happen before it becomes a bad habit we can't seem to break? Lessons learned from the ghosts of girlfriend's past? Trial and error? Three strikes and you're out? When does a relationship make the turning point from "hurting the people you love the most," to the point where you've hurt someone so many times, you couldn't possibly love them?

When You Need to Call Your Girlfriend

As you probably know, I'm a music junkie. Lately, I've been on this Robyn kick. Yes, I said Robyn - like from back in the day - #throwback. "Call Your Girlfriend" is the inspiration for this blog, and like all ironic things in life, I stumbled upon it at the most perfect time.

In case you don't want to watch her rockin' 90's-inspired video, which includes some Cha Cha Slide action and a brief floor humping, by the way (you're truly missing out, no doubt), the gist of this song is basically: call your girlfriend because you found someone new, and you need to buck up and do the right thing, damnit. 

For all blog intensive purposes, the glossary item for "call your girlfriend":

call your girlfriend; verb; To pay a visit to, or to telephone, a significant other (male or female regardless of 'girlfriend') and let them down easy.

Also known as: you be the bigger person, and do what no one wants to do, and break their poor heart. But it must be done. Those poor, poor bastards. And also mainly because karma is a fucking bitch. :D

So how do you know when it's time to take Robyn's advice and call your girlfriend to let them down easy? I'll tell you how.

First of all, let's say you're in a relationship, but you've met someone else that you just know is better for you for some God only knows reason. When you see this person, you see stars, and your heart turns to mush, and you wet yourself uncontrollably. Then they look at you and speak, and you tell yourself I WANT TO BANG THIS PERSON. Bingo. Call your girlfriend. 

When you are having sexual intercourse with your significant other, and someone else, that you may be slightly interested in, pops into your mind, and you later discover that, had they not appeared in your mind, you probably would have either a) had the worst sex of your entire life, or b) passed out... call your girlfriend. 

When you find yourself creepin' on a regular basis on a hot chicks Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, or stalking their Pinterest account to find out what tickles their fancy (i.e. what they want to never actually cook, what clothes they want but can't afford to have, what their dream wedding will look like someday, and what movie quotes make their eyes water), you really need to call your girlfriend.

You constantly hope and pray to any God out there that your significant other never gets an Instagram or Twitter account, because then you'd have to follow them, and they'd be able to follow you, of course, and then they'd be SHOCKED at all of the inappropriateness. When this is the case, call your girlfriend.

If you are only with this person because of any of the following "Five C's of Calling Your Girlfriend": Because your relationship is just a Comfortable gig, it's very Convenient, yo' significant other got Cash flow, you are just very Confused, and/or you're too big of a Coward to be alone, call your girlfriend.

If your lover has admitted to mistakes in the past that you are constantly incapable of overcoming and getting over, and all you do is rehash what is said and done, regardless of every effort of forgiving and forgetting, call your girlfriend. If you can't accept things for what they are, and move forward, that shit won't last. You are prolonging the inevitable. Fucking get it over with already, so you can find someone that doesn't constantly leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Finally, once and for all, if you simply are not in love with your significant other, call your girlfriend. BAM!

(I don't know if I should apologize in advance for any break-ups caused by this blog, or if I should say you're welcome for saving you from your suckabagofdicks significant other).

Halloween: The Twentysomething Edition

Halloween for anyone over the age of 13 is basically just another day. I mean, sure, some older, less morally driven girls still like to dress up all slutty-like because it's fun, and let's be honest, very attention-getting, if you know what I mean. But in actual reality, Halloween is a sad excuse for a holiday for anyone out of middle school that hasn't popped out a kid yet. In order to best demonstrate my theories on Halloween, please allow me to use a sexual reference...

The Halloween timeline of a typical person somewhat resembles a night of passion for a newly-minted relationship (or newly-minted hook-up, whatever you prefer). It starts out amazing, full of excitement and creativity, like you never want it to end. Then, as the night goes on, you're still going at it, but the excitement tends to die down a little bit. Finally, as the sun begins to come up, you are so exhausted, all you want to do is lay there. The very last thing you want to do is dress up and role play just to get some more "candy."

That's strikingly similar, am I right?! I was shocked, as well.

If I was Halloween, I'd feel pretty ripped off to be so abandoned. But I'm not Halloween. For the sake of this article, I'm actually going to be Halloween's Marketing Executive. It seems to me that Halloween needs to re-evaluate a few things in order to last longer (get it?). For example, maybe it's time that Halloween gets a new target audience, or at least adds to their current audience by appealing to an older crowd. Twentysomethings everywhere would love to partake in all that Halloween has to offer, if only it would offer better shit. In order to attract this new audience, the act of Trick-or-Treating has to undergo a giant transformation. The purpose of Halloween shouldn't be to excite the fat kids with pillowcases of candy collections. No, that's a thing of the past, damnit! It should be to aid twentysomethings in obtaining the things that they need and want in life. I would gladly get suited up and go door-to-door, joke-telling in order to get a few necessities for us twentysomethings.

Here's the things that neighbors everywhere should be prepared to fork out to twentysomethings in order for Halloween to make a come-back:

• A list of any job openings you are currently aware of and a coinciding pay range. Just because I have a pretty legit job, that doesn't mean every twentysomething that wants to go Trick-or-Treating does. If you're a neighbor, and you know of a sweet gig that's available, get the word out on Halloween.
• QT gas cards. Us twentysomething's need to be able to get to work, and I will be the first to tell you that my commute, by itself, has the ability to drain my bank account. If just TWO houses were to give me a QT gas card, I could surely make it to work and back for at least one week.
• Relationship advice. If you're a neighbor, and you happen to be in a happily monogamous relationship, PLEASE feel free to hand out some of that advice to us twentysomething's blowin' you up. And if you aren't in a happily monogamous relationship, please enlighten us as to what you did to fuck it up, because I'm sure there's something. Also, friendship advice. I'm sure you know a little something about this kinda stuff, right? Trust me when I say that we could all use this kind of information right now.
• Obviously, alcohol. That shit ain't cheap, and I have a lifestyle to uphold throughout my twenties. Even the tiny, tiny bottles from the gas station are better than a fucking bite-sized Snickers bar. Priorities, people!
• Food. I don't mean junk and candy. No, I mean, home-cooked meals and gift cards to restaurants.  A girl has got to eat, and despite my strong desire to want to cook for someone someday, now is definitely not that time. I'd much rather ring a neighbors door bell on Halloween, and have them kindly invite me in for supper, or just hand me a gift card to my local Mexican restaurant or grocer.
• Car maintenance services. If you're manly and know how to work on cars, my check engine light has been on for months on end. Not to be all stereotypically female here, but I don't know shit about cars, nor do I have the budget to take my car into the shop, just to be ripped off because I'm, well, stereotypically female. Also, if you have a spare set of car stereo speakers laying around, I can think of some fantastically perverted, twentysomething jokes to tell for those...
• Beauty treatments. Um, hello?! Getting my hair did is quite the pricey activity. I can barely afford to do it once every three months, and I REALLY should be doing so. Not only hair, but nails, spray tans, and laser hair removal treatments (if you're really giving it out this year) are always needed, as well. Again, if you don't possess the skills to provide me the service, gift cards are gratefully accepted.
• Donations. Donations to my student loan company(ies), donations to my credit card company(ies), donations to my savings account, donations to my mortgage company, donations to my concert fund, my travel fund, my crafting fund, and, finally, my sex toy fund (have you shopped for that stuff lately?! So damn expensive! No matter what it is you're going for, it gives a whole new meaning to getting screwed). Donations.

Clearly, it wouldn't take much for Halloween to get back in the game and be cool again.