The Downright Real

It's been a SUPER long time since I typed up a nice, witty blog. I was feeling a little feisty (AKA hateful) today so here we are!

We've all heard that social media is just the "Highlight Reel" of someone's life. I completely agree with this notion. However, being the realist that I am, I find the concept to be quite unacceptable. I mean, lives are DRASTICALLY changing, for better or for worse, each and every second of every single day. Whether it be from something in or out of someone's control, completely on purpose or totally on accident. There's no way to stop the good and the bad of the world from happening to you.

If you are getting all of your information on someone via Facebook, chances are, it's only the good that you will learn about them. I see engagements and weddings, babies and kids growing up. Selling houses and buying houses and cars and vacations and new pets and new jobs and SO MANY GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING. But, at the risk of prompting some baby daddy drama and things a little TMI (even for me), I would like to suggest the Highlight Reel gain a twin sister: the Downright Real.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a horrid person. I am always very happy for my Facebook friends who are getting engaged, married, having babies and buying mansions, etc.. I have no issues being happy for people when they're successful and happy for themselves. But frankly, I would LOVE to see some good ol' realistic bullshit on my News Feed for a change. Some glimmer of hope that I'm not the only person coping with a really shitty hand today. Please know that I'm not WISHING bad things upon you. But I will say... I will never know if you have to make up something halfway horrible just to make me feel better about my crap solid shit life right now, I am grateful.

For instance, what does a gal need to do in order to see some foul-worded texts from your girlfriend after you left your dirty clothes on the floor? Why can't you post the pile of shitty diapers you had to change today? Your newborn baby is cute and all, but you know what's NOT cute about a newborn baby? Newborn baby shitty diapers. Bring 'em on. Oh, the things I would do just to see that you, like the rest of us, are just as annoyed with your waytoodrunk significant other. Instead, you choose to post only the BEFORE photos. Why you gotta skeet us like that? Or heaven forbid, what does it take to see someone posting a status owning up to completely fucking something up instead of a status about just hoooooow gorgeously kiiiiiind this world is? We all know that this world is not always kind. Life is not always a beach (no matter how much you Instagram one). Sometimes, life is a complete and utter bitch.

All of this negative wishful thinking could just be the state of mind that I'm in lately given my current circumstances. As someone who isn't afraid to share my world, I can recognize when my friends are the same way and appreciate that you can share with me. But it's not really sharing your world if you're only showing us the highs. The ups are only half of your world. You can't fool us all by only showing us your happy. We are all in this sometimes high and sometimes low life together. And it's time we start acting like it. Tell me your lows and let's cheers to those for a change. They're a better reason to drink, anyway.

The Downright Real

I Didn't Know It Was Needed, But In Defense of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Am I the only same-sex oriented person that isn't mad at Macklemore? According to a recent Thought Catalog post, and some not-so-recent-but-still really angry tweets from Le1f (a queer rapper, who knew?), hating on Macklemore because he is a "straight white dude" and he supports equal rights is the new jig. Because THAT makes sense. Since when does speaking out for what you believe in and happen to be passionate about result in a backlash of support? Actually, probably since forever, now that I mention it. It's no secret that you will most likely offend someone by speaking out about an issue. But to be upset over something like THIS is just ignorant, in my opinion.

Now, I say this only from my own knowledge, and I'd like to put it out there that "my own knowledge" doesn't do anyone justice in this sitch. I'm not, by any means, a rap/hip-hop guru, but I like to think that I'm culturally sound and I, at least, know enough to know that I had never even heard of this Le1f rapper until exactly 10 minutes prior to writing this blog. I'm a white lesbian whose CD player currently houses KelClark and a mix of today's Top 20, so to think I would ever get involved in a debate having anything at all to do with rap/hip-hop is a little shy of insane. I had just enough time to search for Le1f on YouTube and Google, and listen to Le1f's song that was apparently "ripped off" for Thrift Shop, and those investigations alone were enough to allow me to make up my mind on the issue. This whole controversy struck a chord with my lesbian ass and I felt, as a complete nobody, I needed to defend Macklemore & Ryan Lewis because, without further need for an explanation, they are doing damn great things for mankind.

I get it. Le1f is the EPITOME of everything Macklemore represents in his song "Same Love." He's an African American gay rapper. But unlucky for Le1f, Macklemore just so happens to be doing a better job at repping that ideal to the public. Not to drop down a few notches on the maturity spectrum, but this entire battle (which seems to be one-sided with no rebuttal from Macklemore in sight) just makes Le1f seem a little butt hurt that he isn't scoring millions of hits on YouTube or snatching up awards left and right. We all know the saying, everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame; it just seems like Le1f is wasting his on making a poor name for himself by fighting a really great, brave thing instead of embracing Macklemore & Ryan Lewis as people that are shedding a positive light on the lifestyles of people JUST. LIKE. HIM.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis are not only expressing acceptance of same-sex marriage, interracial couples, and equal rights overall. They are proving that you don't have to BE what you believe in just to make a difference. As a woman that's banking on having the ability to marry my (read: really hot and extremely wonderful but has yet to exist) girlfriend someday, I am so grateful for people like Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, who happen to be largely in the public eye right now, and are using that fame and publicity for a great cause.

Besides, what would this scenario look like if it was the other way around? Two white, straight men shooting down equality and publicizing the idea that it's completely okay to place hate, harsh judgment and legal bans on people that don't possess the same skin color or the same sexual preference. Does that sound like a better alternative?

With that said, let's all - rapper (like Le1f), Project Manager (like me...), gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, white, black, yellow, spray-tan orange, like everyone, ever - try to pick our battles wisely and be proud to have people in the spotlight that are so open-minded, accepting, and eager to make a difference in the world.

 

That Time of the Month: A Guide For Men

I think I can speak for every woman in the world when I say that when it's That Time of the Month, we want to curse the world up, down, and sideways. Men, no matter what you say, you just don't understand the utter shit that we women have to endure just to someday possibly bring your sperm to life. I'm here to help drive home what every woman wants you to know for That Time of the Month.

1. When you think it's That Time of the Month, automatically add one week at the beginning, and one week at the end, and THAT is That Time of the Month. No, no. It's not just one week, gentlemen. Side affects of That Time of the Month leak into almost 3 weeks out of the month. Better get used to it.

2. We don't want to have sex. Because that's disgusting. And if you do have sex during this time, you're disgusting. I'm sorry, ladies. There has got to be a line to your freakishness. It just has to stop somewhere.

3. When a woman is pissed at you, NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER ask her "is it that time of the month for you!?" I'm not even going to get into why you shouldn't do this. Just fucking don't do it.

4. Things that have probably never ached on a woman before will ache during That Time of the Month. Literally, the possibilities are endless. Cramps and headaches, obvi. But the list goes on: her back might hurt, or she might just feel extremely tired, she might get the chills or feel feverish. If it's attached to her body, the chances of it aching at one point or another are good.

5. A woman could eat nothing but lettuce for the entire month, but she will still feel bloated as hell during That Time of the Month, and there's nothing you can do or say to make that go away. Just give her chocolate and ice cream, and while we're at it, flowers, and go about your business.

6. I bet you never knew we could twist our bodies into pretzels just to give ourselves relief. There's a reason we are curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the night, and it's because our damn uterus is bleeding out, causing horrible crampage, and we apparently can't relax unless we look like we are deformed.

7. I'm sorry if you think there's nothing hot about a heating pad in or around our bed, but can you warm my pelvic area with your love? No. You can't. So this heating pad will stay right here. Thanks.

8. Crying can happen at absolutely any time. A Facebook status, seeing a baby, a song, a movie, making breakfast, missing a call, ANY. TIME. If you think you're being funny, you're probably on the verge of making a woman cry.

9. If a woman is single, and you're, I don't know, her best man friend or something, she's probably cursing her ex. Then missing her ex. Then cursing her ex. Then crying over her ex... Your job is this: Remind her it's her ex for a reason, and buy her alcohol. (read: Then hide her phone).

10. The first day of That Time of the Month is the worst day. If you were smart, you'd note this date for future reference, and just avoid women at all costs during this time. You've been warned.

Steve Says We Have to Trust in Something

This quote has completely resonated with me lately and it's helped me realize some things. Recently, I've had some friends that break my heart just by talking about their current relationship status, or why something isn't working out for them at work, for example. Maybe it's just the age we're at; that pivotal time in life we're taught that we are supposed to be figuring shit out. Things like what work we want to be tied to, or what person we want to settle down with. But even if we think we have it all figured out, there's always kinks in the plan. Things never go as smooth as they do in our own minds. It's like they say, there's no point in planning because what's meant to happen is going to happen, regardless. But for someone like me, and I THINK for some of my friends, as well, not having a plan isn't something we're great at coming to terms with. Maybe it's not so much a plan that we need, as it is a well-thought out order of everything in our lives.

I've decided lately that no matter how much I plan something, and no matter how much I WANT something, hard work and an A for effort can only take me so far. I've learned that since I can't control anything or anyone, like good ol' Steve Jobs says, I just need to trust in something instead. For me, I want to trust in what I deserve. Call it karma, if you want, but I want to know what I'm looking for in a person, and I want to know what I deserve in a person, just like I want to know what I deserve in my career, in friendships, and in life in general.

For me, at this point in my life, this isn't the pivotal age to be figuring EVERYTHING out. It's only the time to be figuring out what I deserve and what I'm aiming to achieve and who I'm hoping to notsettlebutsettledownwith. And that's perfectly okay. It's totally FINE to not have a significant other, or my dream job, or my dream car - things that I know I would love to have someday, but it's not right this second and that's alright. That way, when I actually need to figure something out for good, not only will I have a great starting point, I will have a very well-thought out idea of what exactly I deserve.  

Reflecting for Reflection's Sake

With the new year and all, I get that it's a total time for reflection. I've seen what "sucked in 2013!" or the things that made 2013 the "best. year. ever." via social media, and either way, somehow they managed to sum up an entire year in one Facebook status. It's a bit of a relief when you look around you and you realize that, right along with so many other people your age, it's normal if you're not exactly where you thought you'd be by this time in your life. It might be your career that's got you down, or your lack of a career, at that. Or maybe it's the fact that you thought you'd be settled down with #1 by now, contemplating the important things in life like what color to paint your dining room and what curtains make your ceilings look taller.

I wonder if all of this reflection, even though obviously a result of a new year, is also a single twentysomething, with no children, and a little fear of my future self, acknowledging the fact that I still have a small window of time to make drastic changes in life without having an impact on anyone else. I've always been one to think that with deep reflection, comes deep change. But, and there's always a but, maybe I've changed my mind, and deep change isn't what I, or people in general, need in times like this.

Let's just reflect for reflection's sake. For me, reflection has become an act of just simply taking a look back, carrying certain things with you and letting certain things go as you move forward. Maybe it's time we start taking this reflection business a little less serious. We're sure giving it a lot of credit these days, when really, WE are the ones doing the damn thing. Let's decide that big life changes are overrated for a change, and let's not attempt at changing ourselves so drastically. Of course everyone should always be working to improve upon their self. I'm definitely an advocate for self improvement. But just because it's a new year, and we've all spent so much time looking back at what's brought us to where we are right this second that we have actually started to be sick of ourselves, that doesn't mean we need to pressure ourselves to make changes. There are no "Quick Wins" in life. No big solutions to make us better people. It's the small solutions, the day by day things that make us who we want to be. It's the growing that changes us, not being fully grown.

Look at it this way...How likely is it finding love in 2014 will make YOU feel better about YOURself on a daily basis? You can't set a goal for something like that, it happens without your consent. How quickly do you think you'll be able to really let go of your guilt and your regrets that keep you a little peeved at life? These things are big and important for many reasons, and they should very-well be on your list of things to accomplish if that's what fancies you. But what's more important than these things is the small stuff in your day that combine in one huge way to build who you are as a person. It's the small changes that really contribute to a person's well-being. Small changes like wearing high heels and lipstick because, while small, those things make you feel more confident. Small changes like taking MORE time off work to have a mental health day or to just BE - Be who you want to be when you don't have to answer to someone, don't have to dress up, don't have to leave the couch. Just BE. Small changes like taking LESS time off work because well, you should just go to work already. Things like finding NEW work because you're more than what you're doing. Say no to things that will make you want to apologize to someone later. Doing what you want doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. Things like mentally telling yourself to 'STOP' when you're thinking negatively, and things like taking a hiatus from social media because compare, compare, compare.

These small things make you who you are more than any love that you could find should. They make you who you are more than any guilt or regrets should. There's no reason to have one or two massive goals in mind when you want to become a better person. Be good to yourself by recognizing the small things that make you who you are, and what makes you better day in and day out. Here's a hint: It will never reside in, revolve around, or even come close to including someone else. If it does, you're doing it wrong.

I'm Looking Forward To It

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a very open person. Shocked, right? I consider myself to be pretty outgoing and there's not a whole lot I wouldn't talk about with another person. But lately, I've been doing a ton of thinking on my own, and trying to look INSIDE for the answers for a change. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past few months, or the nearing end of the year, but I've been doing a bit of soul searching in order to get my mind right, if you will. As you know, I use this blog as an outlet for myself, and you can tell by my posts that my mind never stops. I'm always thinking and analyzing. But I wanted to take some time to share something different besides a love-related theory I've crafted up so cleverly in my own crazy head. This isn't exactly anything profound or life-changing. Instead, it's really something I've come to grasp over the span of the past year, and it's allowed me to change the way I think in terms of what's next for me.

You see, I am so close with so many people in life. I have a big, yet very close family, and I have some wonderful friends that I just adore. It's very important to me that they know what's happening in my world and that I know what's happening in theirs. I personally like to believe that you only become closer with people once you can open up with them and vice-versa. With that said, I never typically have second thoughts about asking for advice from other people about my relationships. It is never out of ill intent that I would talk to people about things going on, whether they are positive things or negative things. I wouldn't want to paint a negative light on the person that I care so much for to my family or friends, but I was seeking advice. It just seemed like the logical "girl thing" to do, to talk to my close friends, talk to my sisters, or talk to my Mom. The people I look up to, think fondly of and admire could surely be able to help me get through some issues in the right way. Certainly, THEY have the experience that I possibly lack, as they've probably been through this, or they have a friend whose friend has been through this, and completely innocently, they would be able to guide me right, or show me something that I might be missing. I've always been one to think that getting different perspectives can be helpful and is needed in order to grow and change.

But I think I've changed my mind on a very specific part of this: Talking about my relationship openly when there is an issue bothering me or something I'm struggling with. This year, someone tried to explain to me that every one's situations are different and by talking about certain things with certain people, I was ultimately comparing my situation to theirs and possibly developing expectations that could be outside of my own relationship. At the time, I was dead set that I was not COMPARING my relationship to anyone else's, instead I was seeking the experience from someone I cared about that had my best interest in mind.

Lately, however, when thinking about the experiences that came with this year, I've come to realize that no one else could possibly hold the answers I would have needed except the person I was with. But there's a catch: The person I'm with has to be willing to communicate about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just one person in a two person relationship, trying to read some one's mind and make important decisions single-handedly that impact both me and the person I love. I am totally aware that not every one's forte is communication. I love to talk, I love to be cheesy and be like "What are you thinking about?" and "Tell me something! Anything!" and I get that some people absolutely are not like that. But I am 300% certain that there are particular situations that MUST have two-way communication if something is going to work out.  

With all of this thought, I have found myself craving a kind of secret world, if that makes sense. One that only me and the person I love know about. A world that's so sure of itself, no outsiders stand a chance at interfering with it or altering it in any way. The intimate privacy between me and one other person that I care deeply for and that cares deeply for me.

I look forward to the time where I have another person to share that world with. Someone that looks forward to me and that world, too. Someone that is more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything, from our own problems, to their own problems, to my own problems. Another person that's fine discussing things, laying out the options, making a decision as a duo. Just two people, each with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most of all, care. Two people with care, each for the other one, enough to where we trust each other so much, respect for one another is never a question, but a way of life. Two people that won't buckle to outside opinions from family or friends, and not because their opinions are not valued, but because between the two of us, we can handle it. We are capable of our own decision making. We are the two people that know US best, we know OUR history, and OUR future, and what WE want and need. We shouldn't have to look elsewhere for advice and opinions, because we can look to each other and do it together.

New Year's Resolutions for My Entire Generation

I'm usually not one for New Year's Resolutions, because... today, though. But if someone held my teddy bear hostage or told me I could never drink an alcoholic beverage again unless I made promises to myself that will last no longer than the second month of the year, then fine, you win. But these little snippets of waystomakeyourselfbetter aren't just for me. I believe y'all should probably abide by them, as well, bcecause per usual, my blog is my outlet in order to shove my theories down your throat. Allow me to make you better. You can thank me later.

First of all, we should all vow to act our age. I don't care if you think that age is just a number. There's a reason older people are considered wiser people. Clearly, age is NOT just a number. It's a representation of the amount of experience someone has (or doesn't have); it's a prime example of how someone has grown (or hasn't really gown much at all). The way someone handles certain situations should be directly correlated with their age. So, yes, lets.

Let's all say fuck it, and pick a side. Who the hell decided that picking a side was such a terrible thing, anyway? Most likely, it was some very passive people pleaser that was too scared to upset someone. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I feel like we're all very intelligent people. We know right from wrong. Go ahead and pick a side. It's very freeing, I assure you.

At the risk of sounding cliche, let's treat people the way you would want to be treated. I'd say this one is pretty self explainatory, but somehow people are still getting it wrong day in and day out. It's really not a hard concept, I have faith in all of us.

Be a true friend and tell someone when they've fucked up. I am a firm believer in a true friend being someone that will call someone out on their bullshit, and let them know if they are really effing something up. A true friend is not someone that falls to the background and let's said friend make a huge mistake or be a total dick without a warning. People NEED to be told when they're being ridiculous. Who better to tell them than you?

Love the nice one, for once. It seems like all we do is fall for the jerks and the ones that are toxic for us. Why can't we just fall for the ones that wouldn't break our heart at every opportunity they got? The ones that know a good thing when they have it, and wouldn't do a single thing to ruin it. It might be scary. Hell, it WILL be scary. But sometimes scary is a perfectly normal thing. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to love the ones that love you. We were built to be loved, after all. Pick the one that knows how.

Let's all work to recognize the difference between being in love and almost everything else. Sometimes you think you're in love with someone and you're so pissed that it didn't work out. Then, you realize that wasn't being in love at all - that was just a brand new person in your life who introduced you to eggs benedict in a cute cafe and taught you that sick leave can be used to day drink on a Tuesday at noon. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, and sometimes we may actually be. But I've come to realize that being in love is so much more rare than we know. At first glance, if I took a long, hard look at my life, I could say I've been in love multiple times. Realistically, though?

Finally, I think we should all reward ourselves for the work we've put in to accomplish the rest of these. I know they are exhausting and honestly, accomplishing these things comes about with a lot of maturity. With that, I say we all vow to have more sex. And if you're any good at achieving what I've set forth for you here, chances are good you're having sex with the right person. Oh, but PROTECTED sex. Because I would also like to resolve not to expand the amount of baby pictures on my newsfeed. I told you you could thank me later.

They Call Me Crazy

They call me crazy.

I wish I could freeze every minute you spent,
telling me everything you knew I wanted to hear,
so I could revisit those moments immediately after,
and remind myself that these,
these are only lies.

With every question from me,
there was a promise from you.
Do you want to continue to date me? Yes, I promise that I do.
Are you interested in anyone else? No, I promise that I'm not.
Now is your opportunity to tell the truth. Take it. I promise that I am.
Promises.
Promises that you easily could have kept,
but none, none that you would.

The opportunity of a lifetime,
must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity,
or so the saying goes.
But what of a lifetime of opportunities seized?
Opportunities taken and misused.
Opportunities taken and destroyed.
Opportunities taken, taken, and taken,
without so much of a second thought.

There's been times when I thought twice, though.
When I look back and I want to change my own mind.
Yes, go to a simple lunch with your ex,
the same one you left me for once already.
Yes, don't invite me to go out with your friends,
the same ones that you've refused to introduce me to for weeks now.
Yes, I do understand that no significant others are going,
and that's why I'm not going.
But no, I don't want you to go,
and yes, I do want to go.

There's been times when I thought twice.
When I look back and I want to change my own damn mind.
But for what?
For the mere idea that it would've made a difference to you.
That maybe my lenience in our relationship could have made a difference in our relationship.
A difference in what?
A difference in your lies?
Or a difference in your cowardly lack of communication?
A difference in the way that you would take every single opportunity,
that I so wearily gave you in the first place,
and prove to me that you can prove absolutely nothing to me.
Prove to me that you will take, and take, and take.
Give.

Give is all that I did for you.
Give you opportunity, after opportunity,
after so many opportunities.

Now, I'm not sure.
But I hardly think that this is what they mean,
when they say that love is a game of give and take.

They call me crazy.
And you know, I think they could be right.

10 Times That I Wished I Wasn't A Raging Homosexual

Even though I'm a lesbian, I haven't really taken the time to decide my thoughts on the whole issue of whether someone is BORN that way, or if they become that way, or even if they made the conscious choice to be that way because it looked like fun. The hows and whys of the issue don't fancy my interest. It's just the way it is and that's that. However, there are several times in my lesbo life that I have sat there and thought "if only I wasn't a raging homosexual..." 

Don't get me wrong. I don't ACTUALLY want to change the way I am. These seconds of questioning are just that. Seconds of questioning. It goes a little something like this: "Well...maybe I could just... I mean, guys are hot...when they wear skinny jeans... and have long hair... and when you can't really tell if it's a girl or a guy...is that weird?" or like this "He's got his shit together... maybe it doesn't matte- nope, no, Erica, no. There's still a penis." And then it's over. Just mere seconds of debate and I'm back to square one. Not even my Father's wish that I would "just find a nice boy" can change my feelings. Insecure boys lie and cheat, too, Father. But my Dad would be glad to know that there are some instances where I just wish I wasn't such a gay-wad.

1. When I realized I live in St. Charles, Missouri. Not because it's a bad place to live if you're gay and filming a documentary or something, because it's totally not (at least in my own experience). But because the population of lesbians of interest to me that reside in St. Chuck is like negative 6432. Unless you get off on "flipping" the youngin's, there are slim pickings in my 'hood. Granted, St. Louis is not far, but when you're already 6 drinks in, St. Louis is fucking far.

2. Almost every time I meet another lesbian. Just kidding. Kinda. But really, wouldn't that be some shit?

3. Every time I hear Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I don't care what any of you crazy Katy fans say, that song leaves legitimate lesbians with a horrible taste in their mouth, and so do girls who just kiss girls for the hell of it. Just because you got brave with a drink in your hand, and you hope your boyfriend don't mind it, that doesn't mean that lesbians everywhere don't cringe at the idea of you unintentionally making a mockery of their lifestyle for attention. Hash tag PREACH.

4. When people have to vote on whether or not I am allowed to be married. Because who the hell are you and why the hell does it matter to you who I marry?

5. When it becomes clear to me just how easy it is for my straight friends to pick people up. Not that picking people up is at the top of my hobbies list, but this is serious. Again, this might have a lot to do with geography, or the places that I hang out, but it is no secret that there are at least double the options for those looking for the opposite sex at any given time. WTF?

6. When people get drunk and start asking lesbian sex questions. If you're my BFF, or anyone I remotely care about, then sure, ask your little heart away. I have no qualms with enlightening you about my life. But if you just met me, and the conversation of choice is like "I've never met a lesbian before, how do you??? And how do you?? And scissoring, scissoring, scissoring??" Just stop and turn me straight, okay?

7. When I got a part-time job. I momentarily wished I was no longer a lesbian when I got a second job because it occurred to me that, for the first time in a really long time, I'd have to tell many new people that no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating a girl. You forget what it feels like to have to tell someone you barely know something that's so personal, all because they were just trying to be nice and get to know you. In the end, there was no harm done. It's just different. Besides, I've had a good streak of no one causing a stink about anything (as it should be), so I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone pulls a shank on my ass when I totally offend them with my lesbian tendencies.

8. When someone asks if I'm the "girl or the guy in relationships." I don't mean this in the sexual way - please refer to #6. This is a basic question, and I totally get why people ask it. But it does make me curse myself a little bit for the situation I am in. Not because I can't choose. But because I have to check my make-up, my nails, my long hair, mini-skirts and tights. And then I have to roll my eyes.

9. When I'm in a relationship and there's a bachelorette party for a mutual friend. OK, this might sound extremely petty at first glance. But it's a prime example of when, in a lesbian relationship, lines get blurry. If it was a girl and a guy in this situation, it would be clear who was to go to what. Not for same-sex couples, though. And a girls night? Or a night out with the boys? This stuff can really get in the way of a same-sex relationship if you don't know where the boundaries are.

10. When girls I'm trying to befriend automatically assume I want their body. I may think you're beautiful, because I do believe that of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I am at all into you physically. Okay, you're right, I'm sorry that you think that's harsh? Should I say that I AM into you physically? That makes you uncomfortable? No, it doesn't? You're ugly? Is that better? Still no? You're beautiful AS A PERSON and I don't want anything from you except a friendship? Does THAT make you happy? I mean, wait, what do you want from me here? I guess I don't need girl friends anyway...

Overanalyzing The Fine Line Between Love & Hate in Relationships

As my Dad would say, fine lines and relationships are like assholes and humans: they all have them. I've already touched on a fine line in relationships that I consider to be a major one (here), but (unlike assholes and humans...), I am fairly certain there is more than just one fine line in a relationship. Au contraire, my good friends, there are several fine lines in relationships. The fine line between love and hate just happens to be a gigantic cliche and, to what I'm sure is a massive shock to my regulars, this is something I just so happen to be overanalyzing lately.

Now, I am not a hater of much. For what it's worth, I tend to be too much of a sucker to be much of a hater. I believe in second chances, and (apparently) I believe in third chances, too. I give the benefit of the doubt the majority of the time, and I happen to trust that people can change when they want to. However, just because I still idealize about these things doesn't make them actually true, and trust me when I say I've definitely come to know this.

I've never understood what it meant when someone said "there's a fine line between love and hate." Does it mean that they couldn't distinguish between the two? Because when I think about it, I may not always know when I love someone, but I definitely always know when I DON'T love someone. Or did they mean that you can love someone, all the while be completely suffocated by their love, thus forcing you to resent and, at times, hate them?

All of these theories could be spot on, but as you may have guessed, in true Erica fashion, I can't really put my finger on my exact thoughts on this topic. The fine line between love and hate is probably woven inside our emotions and our feelings for someone. But I don't really think that's enough. There's not too much I will be OK to say for certain unless a ton of overanalyzing has taken place. Overanalyzing to take place in 3...2...1...

First of all, let me make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I am by no means an advocate for hate. I mean, I think as a gay person it's been written in stone that I am 100% not allowed to hate a single thing. For the sake of all things realistic, the definition of hate is a "passionate dislike for someone." For the sake of this blog, I'd like to simply say it's just anger, or hurt, or being fucking pissed off. But unfortunately, I think the passionate disliking of someone is somewhat more than one person feeling anger or being hurt and being pissed off. I think it has to do with TWO people, not just one person taking all of the hate credit.

The LOVE in love and hate is not the typical love, where you can go days, weeks or months without speaking, then pick back up without skipping a beat. No, it's a love so much deeper that there's a pain in your heart making you retrace your steps in the situation, hopefully without regrets and with pride in the actions of your past.

And the HATE in love and hate is not the typical hate, where you can admit your "passionate dislike" for a person and carry on with your everyday life, without ever stopping to think how disliking someone can impact you or them. It's so much deeper than that. It's a pain in your heart making you hate the fact that you could possibly truly dislike someone you loved so much. It's not something you want, but just as falling in love with someone is out of our own control, so is the feeling of anger and hurtfulness.

Love and hate are emotions that every single human feels; they are emotions that are both common and rare all at the same time. The fine line between those emotions is what makes us different...How much can you love someone? Can you love them so much that you don't think you'd ever have it in you to hate them? Or does the deepness of your love depict how deep your dislike can be? If someone has enough power to make us feel love, what would stop them from making us feel such strong dislike? And if we can't let go of the love we have, how do we ever begin to let go of the hate?

Last but not least, if we can't let go of the love, and we can't let go of the hate, how do we determine which one it is that we're even holding on to in the end?

A History Lesson in Ending Up With Me

There's a saying we've all probably heard a time or two in our lives:

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

This saying dates all the way back to the mid-1800's. Crazy, I know! Now, I'm by no means a history buff. But if something has been around that long, it's most likely for a reason, right? At least I would think so. When I think about this loved and lost bullshit, (apparently) cynical Erica rears her ugly head and I think to myself "who the fuck in their right mind wants to lose someone they love so they can say they've at least loved?!" That sounds completely absurd to someone such as myself. However, over time I think I've come to realize the REASONING behind that little diddy. Just like everything else in this thing we call life, it's to teach us shit. We are always supposed to be learning, in case you haven't figured this out yet. (You're welcome). But I think what some wise person back in the day was trying to say was it's better to have loved and lost because even though you lost something, and even though that's reeeeally effing hard to cope with, chances are, you learned SO MUCH from that person you loved and lost.

I've definitely done my fair share of learning lately. More specifically, I've learned so many things that I would say if I could tell the person that I ultimately end up with (that lucky bastard!) everything they will ever need to know about - you guessed it - ending up with me. More than anything, my lessons learned from the most important relationships in my life are the inspiration for this serious and totally legitimate nonsense. But please don't laugh when I tell you that the things I want to tell this wonderful, exciting, extremely good looking person all boil down to one thing: Don't go. I say this in the nicest, most sincere and most loving way possible. You'll see what I mean.

There will always be times when we dislike each other. I think it's totally normal for us to be all "I love you, but I don't have to like you right now" on each other. When you spend an obscene amount of time with one person, you share everything under the sun, and you absolutely have to consider their feelings in practically all of your life choices (have I told you why I'm single these days?), you are bound to dislike each other here and there. But don't go. We can work through that stuff because make-up sex is the best kind of sex (but only after I've had days to get over it). Am I right or am I right? There will always be times when we dislike each other, but please don't go.

I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them. I don't know what it is about the parents. I tend to be very awkward and timid, and that's not me at all. It could be because I know how much the opinions of MY family members matter to me, so I want to make a good impression on YOUR family, too, in case you are crazy like me and happen to value the opinions of your own family. Family is my everything, so you will totally get annoyed by them randomly popping in at our house, or how we still celebrate birthdays with presents, cake and ice cream even though we are all old as hell, and we have Sunday dinner many weeks at my parents house. Not to mention our annual family vacation where we pile as many people as we can into a 2-bedroom condo at the Lake of the damn Ozarks (yes, again). I get that it can be a lot to walk into. But please don't go. I will gladly go to your family dinners, on your family vacays and anything else that you want to drag me to. I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them, but please don't go.

At times, I'll be moody, overwhelming, and stubborn. What? Judgey, judgey. Don't lie, you will be all of those things, too, damnit. EVERYONE is all of those things at times, we are only human after all. But the good news is I don't hold grudges and I can laugh at the drop of a dime, so please don't go. I might be flawed, but I am laid back and I have a sense of humor to boot. Just smack my ass or ask me to pull your finger, and voila! MoodyoverwhelmingstubbornErica no more. Sometimes, I will hold on to us so tight that you will feel like you need to come up for air every 12 seconds, but it's not because I want to overwhelm you (even though I'm aware that's exactly what I do). It's because I am too scared to underwhelm you. With that said, please don't go.

There will always, always, ALWAYS be other people. Girls, guys, old friends, new friends, exes, families, blah blah blah. The list of people in our lives will always be large and in charge. I will most likely always be uncomfortable with you spending quality time with an ex, or with someone who doesn't respect me, you, and/or me and you. You can bet your ass I will tell you when I'm uncomfortable, as communication is my forte. I won't say it to be mean, I will say it so we can acknowledge it, fix it and move on. I will make every effort in the world to be prominent in the lives of the people that are most important to you. People and relationships are what life is all about. But what I would say to my special someone is don't go. I know other people will sometimes seem to be better than me, or a lifestyle with someone else might seem more appealing than ours from first glances - I'm no stranger to that whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' thing. But trust me, I will shit all over that grass if I have to if it means you will let me keep you. Let's make a conscious decision to be with each other, and only each other, and then let other decisions involving other people stem from this. There will always be other people, but think of me, and please don't go.

When you say something to me, I will believe you. Mind you, my girl-like instincts are like my gaydar- TOP FREAKING NOTCH. Moral of the story, don't tell me something unless you mean it whole heartedly because I will believe you. If I don't believe you, it's because I ALREADY KNOW you're not being honest. I have superb instincts, I got them from several unpleasant and unfortunate situations, but by God I am grateful because when my gut tells me something, my gut is spot on. Just be honest with me and I will be honest with you, but please don't go.

Nothing will ever be perfect. In fact, I'm absolutely positive that some times will be downright miserable, horrific and shitty as hell. It just happens, man. There will be times when you left water on the bathroom sink and I will call you expletives in my head. There will be times when I talk during my yawn and you will HATE that so much that you want to punch me square in the face. Those are the small things, though. There will be HUGE things, too. Like when one of us has to cut ties with friends that are no good for us now. There will be problems at work that get taken home with us even though we know so well that they shouldn't. There will be deaths - there will be coping with hard ass things. There will be stresses of everyday life, because, even though you will be one of the most important things in my life and I in yours, we won't be the only things in each others lives. It will never be perfect, and it will be really hard, but please don't go.

Please don't go. 

A Lifehack in Learning

If you follow my blog, you might know that I haven't posted a single thing that I've written since August 24, 2013. That's almost three entire months of writing and never posting. It's not because I was being lazy (although I've definitely been lazier than usual these days), and it's not because what I'm writing means zilch to me (I realize zilch to me and zilch to you are probably much different...). I haven't posted a single thing I've written lately because I've come to find out that the shit that I write has consequences, no matter how truthful, honest and upfront it may be.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an immature teenager, I realize the things I do and say have consequences. This isn't a new concept to me. But it's almost as though people would prefer I write a complete lie if it meant it was going to save someone from feeling hurt from the truth. And, unfortunately, I am not capable of writing lies - not on my blog, not in my journal, not on my Facebook, and not even on someone else's Facebook. I am just not at all capable of sugar coating things. I'm a "give it to you straight" type of girl. I'm sorry, in between all this seriousness I had to make a lesbian joke. It wouldn't be my writing without one.

Honestly. I don't know how Taylor Swift lives with herself day in and day out. I mean, my blog of emotions has 100% less reach than her worldwide singles, and if she has no guilty conscious about the things that she's written, even if what's his face was ACTUALLY trouble when he walked in, then the girl is WAY LESS of a saint than we've painted her as. She's more evil than I am, if that's the case. I get that millions of dollars and a shit ton of fame probably serve her better than my current sitch, but still. Anyway, I digress...

What this has all boiled down to for me (I can't speak for TSwift) is that no matter how honest you are, it's really easy to look at yourself and feel guilty for what YOU'VE done (or written). Even if the person you were totally honest about did something that you deem worse, and more hurtful, it's still going to be easier to be hard on yourself for whatever mistake(s) you've made. But I guess that's the point of making mistakes - to learn from it all and try to not fucking do it all over again, right?

One could be nice to their self and justify this guilt with the fact that they are at least self aware. I recognize my mistakes and I see my pitfalls, my weaknesses and my complete and utter failures, okay? I. GET. IT. I see where I've effed up, at least. I have effed up amidst my efforts to try to finally show others where THEY HAVE effed up. But I guess therein lies the biggest mistake of all. I thought for a minute (or for years, rather, but that's neither here nor there) that with my words, I could finally really show someone how THEY have made a mistake. I thought that anything I had to say would be able to finally prove to them that the way they are is not how someone should be. As if my words would finally shed some light on their lifestyle and how shitty I think it is that they act a certain way. My mistake was trying to be that person that would make them want to change.

This was all a huge mistake because, as we all know, no one can change someone. THEY have to be able to change themselves. If they aren't happy, only they know what will make them happy. If they aren't secure in themselves, only they have the ability to figure that out. If they need to constantly run from things, they will most likely continue to run until they figure out why they run in the first place. Only they can change their self. As much as I would love to stick it to them hard with my witty and clever words, as much as I'd love for ME to be the girl that makes a person want to be different and better, me, myself and my words will never be able to do that.

What I say is the truth. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago, probably before I decided to make my innermost angsty emotions a publicly accessible forum and call everyone out that I thought deserved it (secretly, though. I mean, I give myself mad fucking props for the anonymity of the writing. GO ME!)...but I must apologize for being honest even though I know it hurts where the sun don't shine. I'm aware that while my words might not be any more important than the next guys, they are just as hurtful. However, I can assure you that a LIE would be even worse. Maybe not right this second, maybe not tomorrow, but let me tell you from personal experience, that a painful truth is not nearly as hurtful as a lie.

(Now... I get that some of you might be saying "then don't write anything at all..." and all I have to say to that is fuck off, smartass).  :D

Anyway, maybe all of this is perfectly okay. I can see where people thrive on being this person that MAKES other people want to be different and better. But maybe that theory is completely overrated. Maybe I don't need someone that needs ME to call them out when they are being immature and, for lack of a better term, a dick. Maybe what I need is someone that can also recognize their faults and their mistakes and change on their own because of them. Not someone that continues to do the same shitty things over and over and OVER again. I feel the guilt and the consequences from my mistakes and I've learned from them. I know I will make others and I will continue to learn from those, too. At least I sure the shit hope I can keep this up. I guess I will wait it out for someone else who has this little lifehack down pat, as well.

Actions and Words and Loud Speaking

If you would have asked me a year or two ago, I would have totally been like "Oh, actions speak louder than words, and you're saying this and doing that so either act louder or quiet the eff up."

Basically.

Whoever trademarked actions speak louder than words was not only probably extremely gullible, but I imagine they went their entire life ignoring what people said and only watching what people did. Unlike my one-to-two-year-old self, I'm no longer sold on the idea that actions speak louder than words. Instead, I prefer to obtain the healthiest balance possible.

Why does one thing have to be louder than something else, anyway? Why can't actions and words have the same value? I mean, if I was dating some extra hot girl, and she acted like she was all into me all the time by sending me beautiful flowers, and buying me fancy din dins, but every word out of her mouth was "I hardcore dislike your big ass. And I definitely despise the way you laugh." I mean...But her actions are speaking louder, right???? NO. But if she acts like she likes me, and she talks like she likes me, she most likely likes me. Like like like.

All I'm trying to say is in a real, and real healthy, relationship, a good balance is what works wonders. Of course, it would be AH-mazing if people could always act and speak in a coordinating manner, as to avoid all confusion. But, we are only human, and with that, we inevitably suck at relationships. So, that just can't happen. For the most part, we should be able to know how we feel. Then, we can 1) express how we feel (SAY WORDS) and 2) actually LIVE in a way that backs up what we say (ACTIONS). If there is ever a gap in what we say and what we actually do, then there's bound to be major problems. Because, well fuck, that's just confusing and annoying and ain't nobody got time for that.

So, here's to us human beings. Speakin' loud and actin' loud and coordinating the shit out of those two things so they actually make sense.

Besides, if actions REALLY spoke louder than words, people would charade their way through their wedding vows. And I can't stand charades, but I love weddings. That just won't work for me.

You're welcome.

One of the Many Fine Lines in Relationships

The fine line in question here: The fine line between a significant other that challenges you and a significant other that competes with you.

My bottom line opinion (don't you know, telling you my opinion and why it's the right one is the biggest perk to having a blog): The person you're dating, and even more so, the person you are in a full-blown relationship with, should not be competing with you. However, someone that challenges you in relationships can be a great and exciting thing.

Here's the thing. If someone is constantly trying to one-up you, and they are tearing you down any chance they get, chances are you're still in high school and that person is your bitchy best friend that you won't have shit to do with once college comes around (I mean, not that I know by experience or anything). OR, worst case scenario, this person is your significant other. Chances are, this person competing with you is not someone that's in love with you. There's some underlying issue at hand when your significant other finds it difficult to be HAPPY for you when you deserve it. Whether it's a personal issue, or some resentment they have built up for you... regardless. It's not a healthy thing whatsoever in a relationship to be so competitive with your bitches that you would rather see them fail than succeed.

Where's this all coming from, you might ask? Let me tell you. It stems from a relationship where one party thinks that her style is waaaaay cooler than that of the other party; it stems from a relationship where one party is scared that having "mutual" friends will actually mean she'd be losing some, or that she'd have to share; it stems from a relationship where alllllll one party wants is a little support during her first 5K, and alllllll she gets is a glance back from half a mile ahead, and a speed increase so it becomes impossible to catch up.

That whole "don't walk in front of me, don't walk behind me" bullshit most likely came from this EXACT situation. It all started because one lesbian wanted another lesbian to run by her side during her first 5K. Instead, she got someone that seemed to want to beat her ass in the race more than support her while she almost died finishing it (a bit of an exaggeration, but hey, look here! Some people are way out of shape, Jack!).

A significant other that challenges you, on the other hand, is fabulous in my eyes! By challenge, I don't mean they disagree with every single statement you've ever made just because they can, and I don't mean they contradict your every thought because, heaven forbid, you ever be RIGHT. I mean that they think differently than you; They open your eyes to new things that you might find hard to fully grasp. They show you things that you're missing - either for your eyes to see, or for your mind to see. They challenge you by having their own minds, their own opinions, and their own sense of self, all the while being completely open to you and yours. 

I realize my definition of someone that challenges you is probably more along the lines a fairy tale prince(ss) challenger and it might be hard to come by in real life. But if situations were perfect, this is how I imagine they'd be. 

Perfect, fairy tale situation or not. A nice challenge to your point of view, or the ability to show you something you may not ever think of, is always a refreshing thing from someone you love. It keeps you on your toes, and if nothing else, I'd think it would help you appreciate the person you have by your side even more.

The lesson to take away from this: If you find yourself competing with your significant other, stop and think about WHY you're doing this. Are you jealous of them? Resenting them for something? Just wish they'd stop being so fucking amazing? It happens. But it's YOUR significant other. Would you want anything less than an amazing significant other? No. You want the god damn BEST person for yourself, and for them. Support them. Challenge them in healthy ways. Be there to watch them succeed, and help them up when they don't. If you don't do it, someone else will.

The Do's and Don'ts of Being Attractive

As you know, being on the prowl can be BRUTAL. Knowing the correct things to do, say, text, email, tweet, and 'Like' can be not only impossible, but definitely exhausting. If you're like me and tend to overanalyze/think every single thing. Although, I must admit that I've chilled out a shit ton from even just a few years ago when it comes to getting my panties in a wad analyzing every little thing. It's amazing what love and loss and can do to a gal. Sigh.

If you want the short and sweet version, or the Do's and Don'ts rather, of, well, basically, being attractive... or to NOT be so superficial about things, being a person of legitimate quality that someone completely wonderful will want all of one day, look no further, my friend. Twentysomething blogger that likes to thrust her opinions upon any reader she can to the rescue!

The Do's and Don'ts of Being a Person of Legitimate Quality AKA Being Attractive

DON'T be lazy. Laziness is not hot. Period. Have a little gumption, why don't you!? Yes, a work ethic is always an important factor, but even further than that, how about a FUN ethic? Why isn't that a thing? Know how to have a good time when your work day ends. WOOHOO, so you can bust your ass at a job all week and make a little money. Big fucking deal. Anyone that wants anything slightly good out of their life has to do that, too. Just like every other adult, I work the bare minimum 40-hours a week, I work out daily, I manage to go out here and there, I plan get togethers, spend a bunch of time with my family, and somehow, through all of this, I even manage time to shave my vagina. Pretty impressive, eh? All I'm saying here is even though you have a job, don't let that consume you. Don't be lazy. Have fun, plan things, go places, make new friends and actually DO things with them. Don't get so content that you amount to someone that works, sleeps, and eats. 

DO be honest. Positive honesty, or negative honesty, honesty is always the answer. The fucking Goddess of Love wasn't joking around when she said that trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship (I'm not ACTUALLY sure that she ever mentioned trust, but I mean, she should've). Trust is the LAST thing that needs to go on a back-burner in terms of relationships. If you can't be trusted, or trust the person you're with, what kind of person will you amount to, and what kind of relationship will you ever be capable of having? 

DON'T do drugs. Just say no to dope. Zack Morris said so.

DO laugh. It shows that you aren't too cool, and that you aren't too serious. Laugh at yourself, laugh at other people, make light of any situation and laugh at anything you can. People love making other people laugh, and let's be honest, laughing is much better than crying. If you were a person that someone could only stay mad at for like five minutes, because it only takes you that long to make them laugh again, no one would ever be mad at you for longer than five minutes. Think about it. Sometimes the best thing you can do in life is laugh, even when nothing at all is funny. :)

DON'T be afraid to make grand gestures. If you follow this blog (or if you've ever read ANY of them...) you probably know that, if grand gestures had a fan club, I would be the damn President of that ish! I'm all about showing how you feel, no matter what it pertains to. Go big or go home. Money is no object (......). It's so exciting! And eventful! People NEED excitement in their life, and if you are someone's #1, or if you want to be, you need to be the sole source of their excitement. If you aren't showing someone how you feel, in the biggest, best way you know how, as often as possible, they're going to assume you don't want to. And there's nothing exciting about that.

DO stick up for yourself. You know what you need, at least a good majority of the time you do. It might take some trial and error, but you eventually get it right. Once you do, don't give that up. One of the sexiest things in the WORLD is someone that knows what's good for them, and they aren't afraid to be upfront about it. If someone doesn't respect your need for attention, or your need for your space and your independentness, they don't deserve you. You need someone that can handle YOU, and that entails ALL of you, and EVERY thing YOU stand for, need, and desire. Someone will be up for that challenge because it will all be worth it to them.

DON'T back out on your word. Compromise is a bitch. We all know this. If humans were born with the skill of compromising, we'd exit the womb with a ring on our finger and a significant other up our asshole. Seriously. THEY made it this difficult to teach us shit. We have to learn to do all of these things the right way before something finally sticks for us. Don't bail, don't be selfish, be flexible when needed, do something that's important to someone else simply BECAUSE it's important to them. They'll love you for it. 

DO what's best for you. :) What's supposed to happen will happen regardless. 

What I Tell Those That Are Younger Than Me About Money

It's the root of all evil. Right? That's how the saying goes, anyway. And I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREE. I know, I know. That might make me more of an AWFUL person than it does anything half-way positive, but hey, it is what it is.

I'm not irresponsible. Let's get that out there, first and foremost. I've never been a huge saver, nor have I been one to blow my money on useless, needless, way-out-of-my-means material things. I own my own home. That makes me legit, right? I despise purchasing electronic things - which is evident by my 1950's-ness 19-inch television currently tackin' up my cute living room. Electronics are expensive. I don't find those purchases fun whatsoever. (But, I love electronic GIFTS! Those are *free!*) Even outside of electronics, I somehow refrain from over-indulging in my expensive hobbies like crafting, for example. Lord knows, Martha Stuart is somewhere-maybe incarcerated, who knows-laughing at all those middle aged scrapbooking/card-making suckers. I don't allow myself to purchase all of the HOT workout clothes I hunt down, even though I torture myself by seeking it out, staring at it via the Interwebs, then never actually being able to purchase these things (if you know Lululemon, you know what I'm talking about here.) Given these few examples, I think I've proven my exceptional willingness to not blow my wad on unnecessary things. I'm curtsying right now.

With all of that said, I'm no expert on money. I'm a 20something, after all, and if you ask me, it's still OK for me to be a little financially UNsavvy. But the time's a wastin' and soon, I'll wake up a broke 40-year-old if I continue down this destructive path. Alright, that's a little dramatic, and it's really not even close to THAT bad, but still. I'm instilling fright in the youngins, don't ya know.

If ever I'm asked by anyone younger than me, I already prepared a very practical answer for all of their financial inquiries. And if ever I have children of my own (God. Bless. Ed.), I'm already 99 percent certain of what I would tell them. There is a secret to being financially savvy in your twenties. And it is literally one piece of advice: don't go to college.

You might think this is bad advice. Because, well, let's be honest, it's really, really, horrible advice, especially coming from someone that has a Masters degree. It's maybe the shittiest advice a young person in today's world needs to receive. But seriously, college breaks yo' ass. It might not seem like it when you are having the fanciest time of your life and spending that Chase student loan drinking studying abroad somewhere fancy. But trust me in that you have to pay for that fancy 20th bottle of fancy French wine eventually. Fancy.

I'm typically the "it's just money, go big or go home" type, and I absolutely HATE that "I don't have the money" is an acceptable excuse in today's world. I like to do lots of activities. I like concerts, and traveling, and god forbid, I like fucking nice things, man. I don't have cheap taste, and that's a really good thing. Even if my income at the current time doesn't condone this luxurious lifestyle, someday it will and I will LIVE. IT. UP. in every way I know how. But for now, I really just wanted to vent in order to portray my hatred for Chase and the smooth way that student loans manage to throw a rather expensive kink in my snobby taste. Even with my salary-based government job.

In conclusion, if you're young, please disregard my advice above and consider this the revised version: DO go to college. But only if a) your parents are buyin', 2) you are a smart cookie and got a full ride or some shit, or c) you're a drug dealer, dating a sugar daddy you found here, or picking a career that will ACTUALLY make you a substantial amount of money within, let's just say (for no reason whatsoever), 6 months (yep, that's all you got, kids.) of graduation.

Otherwise, catch ya on the broke side, suckas. At least I won't be alone.

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out

No, this isn't a trick! I know what you're thinking. This cannot possibly be a blog about anything other than relationships/dating/sex/lesbians/monogamy/more relationships/more sex. Alas, my frands, it most certainly is a blog about something else! Hip, hip, HOORAY!

Working out has so many benefits. I think we've all been drilled long enough in our lives to know that we should get our asses to the gym, and get our asses outside, blah, blah, blah. We KNOW working out is great for us. What people sometimes fail to mention is why working out completely fucking sucks for us. But Erica doesn't fail, damn you.

Why Working Out Doesn't Always Work Out:

1. Close Proximity. When I'm at the gym and I can hear the guy on the treadmill next to me talking to himself more than I can hear AWOLNATION in my ear (my flavor of the week!), the treadmills are too damn close. When I'm gagging from inhaling your cologne, the treadmills are too damn close. Finally, if your sweat is swinging around and I happen to feel it land on my arm, the treadmills are too damn close. Sensing the trend? Sometimes ONE LESS machine in the gym can open up a world of possibilities. We are trying to work out, after all, not get all up on each other.
2. You have to wear clothes. Work out clothes can seriously be some of the most uncomfortable clothes EVER. If they're too tight, too baggy, to restricting, too spandexy (eek), they can be more of hindrance than a help. I feel so strongly about this that I even tweeted @oldnavy tonight while working out letting them know how grateful I was for their workout capris. I know... I'm a social media whore.
3. Results. After you get done with an intense work out, and look in the mirror, and you expect to see Allison Williams, or Zosia Mamet, (or practically anyone on GIRLS besides Lena Dunham), but you still kind of see Lena Dunham. Not that Lena Dunham isn't beautiful, because she most definitely is beautiful. But ol' girl doesn't exactly scream "I work out!" The results take for. ever. and that's no secret. 
4. Not getting to the gym. If you're like me and have a very strict routine that you absolutely need to abide by in order to get shit done, then....let's just say, a 24-hour spell of food poisoning, can throw a giant wrench in your work out routine. Yes, this did just happen to me. Good news is food poisoning does wonders for weight loss...
5. Missing something. How many times have you gotten to the gym, or pulled into the park for a jog, and suddenly realized you left your cell phone at home? Or even worse, your head phones. Shit happens. And this shit is almost impossible to recover from. When I'm music-less on my work outs, good luck getting me to last longer than 20 minutes doing any activity whatsoever. Well... maybe not ANY activity whatsoever... 

Shit. I just made it a blog about sex.

Why "Dating" Sucks Ass

I have always been the relationship type. I have said it a thousand times in this blog, and I will never hesitate to admit again that I have a serious disorder of the one-track mind. I am no good at juggling multiple people. I totally, completely, without a doubt whatsoever, fucking suck at dating. Sure, I love spending time with lots of interesting people, and why, yes, of course, I would love to bang every interesting person I come in contact with (I talk a big talk...). But I have this thing... it's a very difficult concept these days... but I despise the idea of being into more than one person at a time. Not only that, but I also despise when people I AM interested in are seeing me, that hot girl, and that hot girl, and oh, that one, too. I like one person at a time, and, unfortunately, I expect the same. If you want to know why I am the way I am, it's really rather simple: I expect way too much attention to be one of many. I'm not ashamed!

However, even with my own theories and realities when it comes to modern-day dating, I still give mad props to those people that I come across that live to date multiples. Somehow, there are people that manage to simultaneously text two or three prospects, all the while remembering which night is booked with which girl, which girl it was that had that giant love of flowers & which girl was completely allergic to them, and which thing it is that totally turns which girl on. I mean, just thinking about all of that shit makes me want to go to bed and never romanticize about anyone EVER again.

Holidays. In my eyes, the Holidays would be the absolute worst time to be seeing more than one person. Holidays as a typical dater equals even more family get togethers, spending money on even more gifts for everyone you're currently sharing sheets with, and, not to mention, every Saturday in December will consist of ice skating and hot chocolate. I mean, if you want to make it easier on yourself, invite all the chicks you are talking to to go ice skating with you on the same night! GENIUS. You can always just say "I'm going ice skating with a group tonight. I'd love it if you'd join us!" I bet they would have no clue.

You know what else effing sucks titties about dating more than one person at once? Two words. SOCIAL. MEDIA. Although it stinks, you have to admit that social media makes these, Daters of Multiples, we shall call them, even more credit worthy. How the H-E-double hockey sticks does someone not only manage, but actually feel legit about, checking in with Chick #1 on Friday, posting a picture with Chick #2 on Saturday night, and tweeting at Chick #3 when they get home from date night with Chick #2? You still following? Yea, me either! How do THEY follow it?!

If I was a Dater of Multiples committing the acts previously mentioned, I'm almost positive that with some of the Facebook creepers I got all up in my grill all of the time, I would do nothing except answer questions in order to explain myself come Sunday evening. And, if I'm not lucky enough to have friends that ask me questions, I'm almost even more positive that the Facebook-wide assumption would be made that I'm just a slut playin' people like I'm Tech N9ne (...cause I'm a wicked thug and I throw away my ticket stub... don't act like you don't know the jam!)

I know what you're thinking. "This is the whole point of DATING!" Not to be tied down to one person, and having fun with lots of people until you are ready to pick JUST one. But the way I see it, if you are seeing someone that you are seriously interested in, you won't feel the NEED to see other people. In my experience, if there's a hot girl, and I am thoroughly enjoying my time with her, both at dinner and in bed, whhhhhy would I need to do double the work with yet ANOTHER girl?

What can I say? I suppose I'm a minimalist. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to try to maneuver several dates into my alreadyjampackedwithmyownshit schedule. Maybe deep down, I'm seriously jealous that I am not capable of dating 3, 4, 5 people at once.

Unless, of course, those 3, 4, or 5 people are ONLY seeing me. :D

Someone

It's never easy, they say. 

But sometimes, it is.

It's easy to forgive someone for something you never thought would happen.

It's easy to forgive it, twice.

It's easy to feel guilty for no reason whatsoever.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want to try to rebuild, start from scratch, get to know someone all over again.

It's easy to believe that the words someone is telling you are true. 

It's easy to believe that their actions are supporting those words, 

Even when you aren't around to see for yourself. 

It's easy to make excuses for someone until you're blue in the face. 

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want something that you used to know like the back of your hand. 

It's easy to want to be loved like you were when you didn't have to worry. 

It's easy to feel insecure about the same thing, over and over, because it never gets better.

It's easy to have your feelings shamed because the one you're telling them to can't seem to understand.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to make mistakes.

It's easy to be quick to blame someone else for their mistakes.

It's easy to expect a lot.

It's easy to avoid the difficult questions.

It's easy to ignore the insults.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy, almost the easiest thing in the world, to fall back into an idea of someone. 

It's easy to let the hope that someone has grown up and seen the light make you run toward them at full speed, arms wide open. 

It's easy to be crushed by someone, so much so that you come crumbling down, heart first, twice.

Eventually, it gets easier to let that someone go.

The Theory of Emotional Unavailability

For better or for worse, I've recently become one of those people who is simply going with the flow when it comes to people I'm "talking to" (Someone remind me, when does it become dating again? Who fucking knows, man. "Talking to," it is). Let me be clear; this is, maybe, 50 percent by choice, 50 percent by force. But, if I'm being real here, it's mostly by force. While I am enjoying my singlehood, I'll be the first to admit that there's something a little dysfunctional about going into every new "relationship" with my guard up, not to mention being a self-proclaimed emotionally unavailable person. (So far, it isn't nearly as amazing as it is in Friends with Benefits).

Regardless of my own feelings on a given situation, it seems the people I tend to..... be into, for lack of a better term.... are living by their own agenda. I suppose I can't blame them; I guess we are all living by our own agendas, after all. I've been living by my own agenda for some time now, and I'm finally going to take a hard look at this Unemotional Erica that I've got going on. After kissing many-a-frogs, I became this way because I refuse to fully invest myself in someone who is even slightly uncertain about me... thus, I go with the flow. I do me, and I do a little bit of them, BUT I mostly do me. :D

I can't help but think about what the true meaning of "emotionally unavailable" is. Sure, it's taking things slowly, and feeling it out. It's probably a little less talk and a lot more action (or a little less of both, if you found a REALLY unavailable one; aren't you lucky). But is it taking things slowly just in case something better comes up? Is it just a comforting person that you like to have around, but don't actually see in your future, so there's no need to move at a normal pace? Is it that you are still hung up on an ex and you can't ride two horses with one ass? I mean, now, that's actually super legit. But why bother being a part of any relationship at all if you go into it thinking that all you want is just a tip? Or maybe just an ass-out hug? Maybe I'm fixin' to leave this poor feller blue-balling because I can't manage to go all of the way? Really? Okay, I think that's probably all of the sexual analogies it takes to successfully describe my Theory of Emotional Unavailability. You're followin' now, I'm sure.

You see, I have these things called standards. I quite like them. They make me feel very adult-like, and keep me in check with what it is I am looking for in a significant other. Everyone has standards and expectations. That's how relationships end. Someone, whether it was you or your other half at the time, decided they couldn't stand for something, they weren't pleased with something, you didn't make the cut, or someone else would make the cut much better than you (ouch, sorry). Ultimately, an expectation somewhere along the time was bypassed and therefore, it's now defective.

I may take pride in having my standards, but others tend to confuse these here standards with what they like to call 'high expectations.' And people go into things half-assed, not because they are scared that THEIR expectations, needs, and wants won't be met, but because they aren't 100% certain that they want to do what it takes to meet the expectations, needs, and wants of the other person involved. Therefore, my friends, an "emotional unavailable" person is actually code for "I gotta see what kind of commitment level you expect from me, and then I'll decide if you're worth it." If the juice is worth the squeeze, because no one wants to be squeezing if it isn't worth the juicing.

Sure, if everyone involved is on the same page, there's probably minimal harm to be done. But the emotionally unavailable excuse only flies for so long. There is absolutely nothing sexy about two people who can't get their shit together in order to commit to each other. I would think this is especially true once you've passed a certain age, but that's just my theory, once again. 

I mean, we have all gotten our hearts broken into pieces from time to time, unfortunately, and we all get hurt here and there, not to mention, we get royally screwed over sometimes and all that bullshit, blah blah blah. But that's what finding someone else to be with is all about, is it not? (At least until you've reached a mature age where that is no longer needed. AKA Going around breaking hearts is no longer what the cool kids do, take note). Wipe those tears and throw away that pain. Put your big, adult panties on and earn yourself an "Exceeds Expectations" rating on the significant other performance review. You, too, need to be worth the fucking squeeze already. And emotionally unavailable is not something I juice to. 

(Apparently I needed one more sexual analogy to hit home).