"All or Nothing" Strikes Again

If you've ever fancied anyone at all, you will know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that being "just friends" with someone that you are, for lack of a less self-deprecating term, utterly obsessed with, is almost worse than seeing that person with someone else entirely. We have all been through those times when we have had to, reluctantly, tell someone that we simply cannot be their friend because... now here's the kicker... it's too painful for us. This is the biggest catch-22 I have ever heard of. It hurts too much to just be your friend, so I choose to be absolutely nothing at all. There. That's better.

This overrated concept of being "all or nothing" with a person is actually pretty devastating when you get down to the nitty gritty. Without even trying, you are giving someone an ultimatum: Give me the best of you, or don't give me anything at all. Why do we do this to the people we love? Most importantly, why would we ever do this to ourselves? Short answer: Because we think we deserve someone that is willing to step it up, let go of their inhibitions, and suddenly give us all they've got.

I am constantly reminded by my friends and family (and all of the randoms in between that I talk to about my love life, not to exclude bartenders and my new gay man-friend on a Friday night), that I deserve someone that doesn't second guess their feelings for me. If I had a Froot Loop for every time I heard, "You deserve someone that feels the same way about you that you feel about them," I'm certain that I could live happily on Froot Loops for the rest of my life. Who wouldn't want that?! Screw sex on the regular and REALLY screw being in love; I have Froot Loops, damnit!

But still, regardless of the number of times my sisters and my friends tell me so, and despite the efforts of some extremely fabulous gay men, I'm not sure I believe it myself. Who's to say that I deserve someone so sure of herself and of her feelings for me? Who's to say that I deserve someone SO willing to be "all or nothing" with me? Maybe I deserve someone who is completely confused and torn, and at the most, they know they don't despise me, and I look so-so on Sunday morning; Those people have to be loved eventually, too, right? Okay, so I don't think I'd allow myself to settle for that kind of thing, but hopefully I've proven a point or two:

How does anyone really know what they deserve?

And at what point is it acceptable for a friendship to be held hostage by one person because they aren't getting what they "deserve" from the other person?

The logic behind the "all or nothing" strategy is actually quite legit. If someone doesn't want to give you their all, as you do them, then you have to move on. The only real way to do so is by cutting your losses and, essentially, cutting them out of your life in order to move forward. Sticking around, only to watch them give their all to someone else, would be detrimental to your mental health. And the last thing you need is to end up on an episode of Snapped. Not only that, but to continue to grace this friend of yours with your presence after they've shot you down is allowing them to - you guessed it - have their cake, and eat it, too. Which is a saying I will never fully understand, but if the shoe fits...

What I've learned recently is this: Quitting someone cold turkey is top-shelf protection of the heart. Of course, talking to that someone is always wonderful, and seeing them regularly is a great idea, in retrospect. But knowing that you can't HAVE all or BE all for that person can do a large number on your heart. No one is worth that kind of damage, and more importantly, no one deserves that kind of damage. We don't deserve damage done to us by people we are willing to give our all. I know I'm uncertain about what I deserve, and I might be a little unsure of what you deserve, but I think I know what we don't deserve. I'd say that's a damn good start.

What None of Us Want to Hear and What Needs to Be Said: 

Just because you are willing to drop everything for a person, and they might be a little unsure of things, that doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed for failure. With that said, you need someone that's at least willing to try. If someone isn't as willing as you to make things work, tread lightly, my friend, because this bitch could change their mind in a heartbeat, and then where would you be?  ; )