Birthday Sex

Or lack thereof. That’s right. This girl has no intentions of getting laid for her 26^th birthday. I don’t think I’m ashamed to admit it, even though I probably should be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going for celibacy here. Not at all. Never, actually. But I mean, I am single, after all, and what exactly do you take me for? Just because it’s my birthday, that doesn’t give me any right to slut it up like some broads do. I’m classy. On a good day. When you are deaf to the crude things I say, anyway.

I’ve given myself the pep talk, though. Not to worry. ‘Millions and millions of birthdays pass daily without any smushing taking place,’ I tell myself. This year, I will be one of those millions and millions. A part of the majority, I’m assuming—or at least that’s what I’m telling myself in order to ease the pain. I figure it could be worse. I could wake up and no one would even remember it was my birthday; that would be kind of awful. Or I could catch pneumonia the night before. I’d constitute that as worse than not getting any on my birthday. Or, to be even worse, I could be having one of those extended-family birthday parties like I’m turning 13 and I’d have to answer all kinds of awkward questions from people I don’t give two shits about. Yep, no sex doesn’t even come close to the terrible, miserable, ridiculously pitiful birthday that one would have been.

Besides, I imagine birthday sex in your 20’s is highly overrated. In fact, I think I’ll rename it to “The day-or weekend, rather- you get so wasted/high/drugged up that you can’t stand on your own two feet, so you proceed to lie down and let someone have their way with you” sex. That definitely takes the sting away of not getting any. Or does it?

So, now you know what I won’t be doing on July 15^th. You have some options here about what to do with this information:

1.       You can judge me. Or pity me, whichever you prefer. Full-on “OMG. This poor girl isn’t banging anyone on her birthday, she must be a lamer.” I don’t mind. I would probably do this if I was you, too. And I probably am a giant lamer, too, since we’re being so candid…

2.       You could have your own sex and say it’s for my birthday. Certainly, you can do this. It is truly my pleasure to give you an excuse to get it on, as if you need one. Please feel free to also think of me the entire time. I’m sure it will do wonders for you.

3.       You could offer.

I’M JUST KIDDING. Please don’t offer. If I wanted to have birthday sex with you, you would already know it. Do I seem like the timid kind to you?

All you really need to do in order to help me through this lack-luster (get it?!) time is wish me a Happy Birthday. Unless you are a hot lesbian that I actually know and have expressed interest in. That’s a different story.    ;)