There's a saying we've all probably heard a time or two in our lives:
"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
This saying dates all the way back to the mid-1800's. Crazy, I know! Now, I'm by no means a history buff. But if something has been around that long, it's most likely for a reason, right? At least I would think so. When I think about this loved and lost bullshit, (apparently) cynical Erica rears her ugly head and I think to myself "who the fuck in their right mind wants to lose someone they love so they can say they've at least loved?!" That sounds completely absurd to someone such as myself. However, over time I think I've come to realize the REASONING behind that little diddy. Just like everything else in this thing we call life, it's to teach us shit. We are always supposed to be learning, in case you haven't figured this out yet. (You're welcome). But I think what some wise person back in the day was trying to say was it's better to have loved and lost because even though you lost something, and even though that's reeeeally effing hard to cope with, chances are, you learned SO MUCH from that person you loved and lost.
I've definitely done my fair share of learning lately. More specifically, I've learned so many things that I would say if I could tell the person that I ultimately end up with (that lucky bastard!) everything they will ever need to know about - you guessed it - ending up with me. More than anything, my lessons learned from the most important relationships in my life are the inspiration for this serious and totally legitimate nonsense. But please don't laugh when I tell you that the things I want to tell this wonderful, exciting, extremely good looking person all boil down to one thing: Don't go. I say this in the nicest, most sincere and most loving way possible. You'll see what I mean.
There will always be times when we dislike each other. I think it's totally normal for us to be all "I love you, but I don't have to like you right now" on each other. When you spend an obscene amount of time with one person, you share everything under the sun, and you absolutely have to consider their feelings in practically all of your life choices (have I told you why I'm single these days?), you are bound to dislike each other here and there. But don't go. We can work through that stuff because make-up sex is the best kind of sex (but only after I've had days to get over it). Am I right or am I right? There will always be times when we dislike each other, but please don't go.
I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them. I don't know what it is about the parents. I tend to be very awkward and timid, and that's not me at all. It could be because I know how much the opinions of MY family members matter to me, so I want to make a good impression on YOUR family, too, in case you are crazy like me and happen to value the opinions of your own family. Family is my everything, so you will totally get annoyed by them randomly popping in at our house, or how we still celebrate birthdays with presents, cake and ice cream even though we are all old as hell, and we have Sunday dinner many weeks at my parents house. Not to mention our annual family vacation where we pile as many people as we can into a 2-bedroom condo at the Lake of the damn Ozarks (yes, again). I get that it can be a lot to walk into. But please don't go. I will gladly go to your family dinners, on your family vacays and anything else that you want to drag me to. I will love my family and ask you to do way too much with them, but please don't go.
At times, I'll be moody, overwhelming, and stubborn. What? Judgey, judgey. Don't lie, you will be all of those things, too, damnit. EVERYONE is all of those things at times, we are only human after all. But the good news is I don't hold grudges and I can laugh at the drop of a dime, so please don't go. I might be flawed, but I am laid back and I have a sense of humor to boot. Just smack my ass or ask me to pull your finger, and voila! MoodyoverwhelmingstubbornErica no more. Sometimes, I will hold on to us so tight that you will feel like you need to come up for air every 12 seconds, but it's not because I want to overwhelm you (even though I'm aware that's exactly what I do). It's because I am too scared to underwhelm you. With that said, please don't go.
There will always, always, ALWAYS be other people. Girls, guys, old friends, new friends, exes, families, blah blah blah. The list of people in our lives will always be large and in charge. I will most likely always be uncomfortable with you spending quality time with an ex, or with someone who doesn't respect me, you, and/or me and you. You can bet your ass I will tell you when I'm uncomfortable, as communication is my forte. I won't say it to be mean, I will say it so we can acknowledge it, fix it and move on. I will make every effort in the world to be prominent in the lives of the people that are most important to you. People and relationships are what life is all about. But what I would say to my special someone is don't go. I know other people will sometimes seem to be better than me, or a lifestyle with someone else might seem more appealing than ours from first glances - I'm no stranger to that whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' thing. But trust me, I will shit all over that grass if I have to if it means you will let me keep you. Let's make a conscious decision to be with each other, and only each other, and then let other decisions involving other people stem from this. There will always be other people, but think of me, and please don't go.
When you say something to me, I will believe you. Mind you, my girl-like instincts are like my gaydar- TOP FREAKING NOTCH. Moral of the story, don't tell me something unless you mean it whole heartedly because I will believe you. If I don't believe you, it's because I ALREADY KNOW you're not being honest. I have superb instincts, I got them from several unpleasant and unfortunate situations, but by God I am grateful because when my gut tells me something, my gut is spot on. Just be honest with me and I will be honest with you, but please don't go.
Nothing will ever be perfect. In fact, I'm absolutely positive that some times will be downright miserable, horrific and shitty as hell. It just happens, man. There will be times when you left water on the bathroom sink and I will call you expletives in my head. There will be times when I talk during my yawn and you will HATE that so much that you want to punch me square in the face. Those are the small things, though. There will be HUGE things, too. Like when one of us has to cut ties with friends that are no good for us now. There will be problems at work that get taken home with us even though we know so well that they shouldn't. There will be deaths - there will be coping with hard ass things. There will be stresses of everyday life, because, even though you will be one of the most important things in my life and I in yours, we won't be the only things in each others lives. It will never be perfect, and it will be really hard, but please don't go.
Please don't go.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
A Lifehack in Learning
If you follow my blog, you might know that I haven't posted a single thing that I've written since August 24, 2013. That's almost three entire months of writing and never posting. It's not because I was being lazy (although I've definitely been lazier than usual these days), and it's not because what I'm writing means zilch to me (I realize zilch to me and zilch to you are probably much different...). I haven't posted a single thing I've written lately because I've come to find out that the shit that I write has consequences, no matter how truthful, honest and upfront it may be.
Don't get me wrong. I am not an immature teenager, I realize the things I do and say have consequences. This isn't a new concept to me. But it's almost as though people would prefer I write a complete lie if it meant it was going to save someone from feeling hurt from the truth. And, unfortunately, I am not capable of writing lies - not on my blog, not in my journal, not on my Facebook, and not even on someone else's Facebook. I am just not at all capable of sugar coating things. I'm a "give it to you straight" type of girl. I'm sorry, in between all this seriousness I had to make a lesbian joke. It wouldn't be my writing without one.
Honestly. I don't know how Taylor Swift lives with herself day in and day out. I mean, my blog of emotions has 100% less reach than her worldwide singles, and if she has no guilty conscious about the things that she's written, even if what's his face was ACTUALLY trouble when he walked in, then the girl is WAY LESS of a saint than we've painted her as. She's more evil than I am, if that's the case. I get that millions of dollars and a shit ton of fame probably serve her better than my current sitch, but still. Anyway, I digress...
What this has all boiled down to for me (I can't speak for TSwift) is that no matter how honest you are, it's really easy to look at yourself and feel guilty for what YOU'VE done (or written). Even if the person you were totally honest about did something that you deem worse, and more hurtful, it's still going to be easier to be hard on yourself for whatever mistake(s) you've made. But I guess that's the point of making mistakes - to learn from it all and try to not fucking do it all over again, right?
One could be nice to their self and justify this guilt with the fact that they are at least self aware. I recognize my mistakes and I see my pitfalls, my weaknesses and my complete and utter failures, okay? I. GET. IT. I see where I've effed up, at least. I have effed up amidst my efforts to try to finally show others where THEY HAVE effed up. But I guess therein lies the biggest mistake of all. I thought for a minute (or for years, rather, but that's neither here nor there) that with my words, I could finally really show someone how THEY have made a mistake. I thought that anything I had to say would be able to finally prove to them that the way they are is not how someone should be. As if my words would finally shed some light on their lifestyle and how shitty I think it is that they act a certain way. My mistake was trying to be that person that would make them want to change.
This was all a huge mistake because, as we all know, no one can change someone. THEY have to be able to change themselves. If they aren't happy, only they know what will make them happy. If they aren't secure in themselves, only they have the ability to figure that out. If they need to constantly run from things, they will most likely continue to run until they figure out why they run in the first place. Only they can change their self. As much as I would love to stick it to them hard with my witty and clever words, as much as I'd love for ME to be the girl that makes a person want to be different and better, me, myself and my words will never be able to do that.
What I say is the truth. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago, probably before I decided to make my innermost angsty emotions a publicly accessible forum and call everyone out that I thought deserved it (secretly, though. I mean, I give myself mad fucking props for the anonymity of the writing. GO ME!)...but I must apologize for being honest even though I know it hurts where the sun don't shine. I'm aware that while my words might not be any more important than the next guys, they are just as hurtful. However, I can assure you that a LIE would be even worse. Maybe not right this second, maybe not tomorrow, but let me tell you from personal experience, that a painful truth is not nearly as hurtful as a lie.
(Now... I get that some of you might be saying "then don't write anything at all..." and all I have to say to that is fuck off, smartass). :D
Anyway, maybe all of this is perfectly okay. I can see where people thrive on being this person that MAKES other people want to be different and better. But maybe that theory is completely overrated. Maybe I don't need someone that needs ME to call them out when they are being immature and, for lack of a better term, a dick. Maybe what I need is someone that can also recognize their faults and their mistakes and change on their own because of them. Not someone that continues to do the same shitty things over and over and OVER again. I feel the guilt and the consequences from my mistakes and I've learned from them. I know I will make others and I will continue to learn from those, too. At least I sure the shit hope I can keep this up. I guess I will wait it out for someone else who has this little lifehack down pat, as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am not an immature teenager, I realize the things I do and say have consequences. This isn't a new concept to me. But it's almost as though people would prefer I write a complete lie if it meant it was going to save someone from feeling hurt from the truth. And, unfortunately, I am not capable of writing lies - not on my blog, not in my journal, not on my Facebook, and not even on someone else's Facebook. I am just not at all capable of sugar coating things. I'm a "give it to you straight" type of girl. I'm sorry, in between all this seriousness I had to make a lesbian joke. It wouldn't be my writing without one.
Honestly. I don't know how Taylor Swift lives with herself day in and day out. I mean, my blog of emotions has 100% less reach than her worldwide singles, and if she has no guilty conscious about the things that she's written, even if what's his face was ACTUALLY trouble when he walked in, then the girl is WAY LESS of a saint than we've painted her as. She's more evil than I am, if that's the case. I get that millions of dollars and a shit ton of fame probably serve her better than my current sitch, but still. Anyway, I digress...
What this has all boiled down to for me (I can't speak for TSwift) is that no matter how honest you are, it's really easy to look at yourself and feel guilty for what YOU'VE done (or written). Even if the person you were totally honest about did something that you deem worse, and more hurtful, it's still going to be easier to be hard on yourself for whatever mistake(s) you've made. But I guess that's the point of making mistakes - to learn from it all and try to not fucking do it all over again, right?
One could be nice to their self and justify this guilt with the fact that they are at least self aware. I recognize my mistakes and I see my pitfalls, my weaknesses and my complete and utter failures, okay? I. GET. IT. I see where I've effed up, at least. I have effed up amidst my efforts to try to finally show others where THEY HAVE effed up. But I guess therein lies the biggest mistake of all. I thought for a minute (or for years, rather, but that's neither here nor there) that with my words, I could finally really show someone how THEY have made a mistake. I thought that anything I had to say would be able to finally prove to them that the way they are is not how someone should be. As if my words would finally shed some light on their lifestyle and how shitty I think it is that they act a certain way. My mistake was trying to be that person that would make them want to change.
This was all a huge mistake because, as we all know, no one can change someone. THEY have to be able to change themselves. If they aren't happy, only they know what will make them happy. If they aren't secure in themselves, only they have the ability to figure that out. If they need to constantly run from things, they will most likely continue to run until they figure out why they run in the first place. Only they can change their self. As much as I would love to stick it to them hard with my witty and clever words, as much as I'd love for ME to be the girl that makes a person want to be different and better, me, myself and my words will never be able to do that.
What I say is the truth. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago, probably before I decided to make my innermost angsty emotions a publicly accessible forum and call everyone out that I thought deserved it (secretly, though. I mean, I give myself mad fucking props for the anonymity of the writing. GO ME!)...but I must apologize for being honest even though I know it hurts where the sun don't shine. I'm aware that while my words might not be any more important than the next guys, they are just as hurtful. However, I can assure you that a LIE would be even worse. Maybe not right this second, maybe not tomorrow, but let me tell you from personal experience, that a painful truth is not nearly as hurtful as a lie.
(Now... I get that some of you might be saying "then don't write anything at all..." and all I have to say to that is fuck off, smartass). :D
Anyway, maybe all of this is perfectly okay. I can see where people thrive on being this person that MAKES other people want to be different and better. But maybe that theory is completely overrated. Maybe I don't need someone that needs ME to call them out when they are being immature and, for lack of a better term, a dick. Maybe what I need is someone that can also recognize their faults and their mistakes and change on their own because of them. Not someone that continues to do the same shitty things over and over and OVER again. I feel the guilt and the consequences from my mistakes and I've learned from them. I know I will make others and I will continue to learn from those, too. At least I sure the shit hope I can keep this up. I guess I will wait it out for someone else who has this little lifehack down pat, as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)