Why Same-Sex Marriage Should be Legalized Any & Everywhere

You can't deny that this is a hot topic right now with the election coming up. Just because I, myself, am a lesbian, that doesn't mean I'm the only person that cares about this issue. Nor is it the only issue that I care about. But this is at the top of my list, and you can take that for whatever it's worth to you. Not only is this a popular topic for me and other lesbians and gays, it's also an issue for a lot of non-gay people, as well. Some for legit reasons, and some just by association. For instance, if I am never able to get married, every heterosexual that I know and love will have to hear me cry about it for the rest of my life. Therefore, they are also stakeholders in this. And for that, I sincerely apologize.

But it seems as though the traditional things, like health insurance, life insurance, and even things as simple as joint bank accounts, are not getting the job done in terms of WHY same-sex marriage should be legalized. I suppose that makes sense. Same-sex marriage is not exactly a traditional thing, after all. So why would traditional issues be able to put up a good fight in this battle?

With that said, as you probably know, non-traditional is my specialty. And this works out very well for many reasons, but especially since I'm way better at funny than I am at facts. I can go right ahead and  just give you every non-traditional reason in the book that same-sex marriage should be legalized any and everywhere. But you wouldn't care all that much. So, instead, I'm going to give Barack Obama all of my non-traditional reasons. He and I go way back.

Dear Mr. President,

Please see below for my extremely selfish case as to WHY same-sex marriage should be legalized. And since you insist that this is a state issue as opposed to a federal one, please feel free to cc everyone you know in every state so we can get this ball rolling. I'm on a 5-year plan, after all. Get on it.

• First of all, I know how much you love Jay-Z and Beyonce. And I also freaking know that Beyonce would LOVE her "if you like it then you better put a ring on it" song to be applicable to those of any sexual preference. I HIGHLY DOUBT that Beyonce would want to exclude me, or any other homo from her songs. Just because I'm a girl, and I (someday will) just so happen to be dating another girl, that doesn't mean that, if they like it, they shouldn't have to put a damn ring on it. They need to suck it up, too, B. Please make them suck it up and commit. That's all I ask.
• Second, Mr. President, I look fucking great in white. And ivory. Whatever I decide. No, really. It's stunning. Just as stunning as your bright white teeth are against your dark skin. That's how stunning. Now, tell me, why shouldn't I be able to wear a big poofy white dress someday and have everyone stare admirably at me as I walk down the aisle? It's only fair. I mean, just as the case for all heterosexuals, my proms are over, too. I'm out of chances. 
• If I have the ability to vote for your ass for President, why don't I have the ability to marry whoever's ass I want to marry? I take a chance on you, you take a chance on me. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, right? RIGHT, OBAMA?! I apologize. I didn't mean to raise my voice.
• Bachelor and Bachelorette party suppliers will have just hit the jackpot. Not only is there DOUBLE the need for everything penis thanks to gay boys everywhere, there's also a newly extensive need for vagina necklaces, vagina straws, big blow-up vaginas, and anything else vagina thanks to lesbians. OH, and titties. We can't forget about the titties. SO, vagina AND TITTY necklaces, vagina AND TITTY straws, big blow-up vaginas AND TITTIES. That's a lot of new merchandise we're talkin' about here, BObama. I just found a spot for a large portion of those millions jobs y'all want to create. You're welcome.
• I already have a wedding song picked out. And it's the prettiest song ever made. But until I have a wedding (and not to mention, a significant other) it's useless. You don't want me to cry, do you? I mean, I bet Mitt wouldn't want me to cry...
• Same-sex marriage needs to be legalized everywhere, but especially in Missouri, because that's where I, along with my entire family live. Alright, alright. The real reason here is that my brothers girlfriend doesn't like to fly on planes. So jetting off to Maine or some shit isn't really convenient for her. I knew you'd understand.
• My same-sex wedding would make my parents so unbelievably uncomfortable at this point in time. Therefore, IT MUST TAKE PLACE. Preferably while they are still young enough to attend. If you wait too long, they might actually become okay with their daughter getting hitched to another girl (a really hot, really well-dressed, really romantic lesbian, that just so happens to be a total 10), and what fun is that?!
• Because I'm a woman and I deserve the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle just like every other daughter in this world. Even if there is another woman waiting for me when I get to the end. What difference does it make to you or anyone else? 

Tell me that these aren't completely legitimate reasons to be able to marry any penis or vagina that I want to marry, and I will tell you that you're lying. You should really have no problem understanding where I'm coming from here, with your 20 years of marriage behind you and all. 

Thanks for the chat, 

Your Hopeless Romantic Lesbian Voter