4 OkCupid Syndromes Catching On Like the Plague

I am the first to admit I'm not big into dating these days. Call me lazy, call me cynical, call me whatever you like, but dating is just not something I'm subjecting myself to at this point in time. However, that doesn't keep me from stalking every boyish-looking lesbian I see on OkCupid; even if they do happen to reside in Ontario, Canada and their status explicitly states that they are "Seeing Someone" (don't get me started as to why those that are "Seeing Someone" have recently viewed my page, or even have their own page to begin with...).

By doing my fair share of creepin' during my single days, (and writing the very, very rare "hey, you look like I could like you" message- Not all of the girls are awful, after all), I've noticed some rather large trends among the lesbian community on OkCupid. If you ever wonder, like, I don't know, five years from now, why I am still hopelessly single and why I've gone on less than 2 dates, just reread this article and you'll be reminded. 

The syndromes working against all single, somewhat normal lesbians on OkCupid:

1. The Self-Proclaimed Nomad Syndrome
The first thing in their profile is that they just quit their day job in order to take off to some magical place that might as well be fucking Atlantis or some shit. I'm not sure when it became such a "queer" thing to do- this whole up and leaving thing. Or maybe it's an 'everyone in their twenties' thing (I'd have to get the opinions of my straight friends, as I'm not an expert in the area). Either way, how does one expect to build any kind of lasting relationship while building a life of leaving? I completely understand the urge to get away to a bigger and better place. Trust me, it crosses my mind on a regular basis. But then I call my sister and have her bring me back down to Earth (honest- this just happened last night. Right, Shannon?) She reminds me that I have an awesome, legit job, a close-knit family, friends, and a home. It's like I'm having an asthma attack and she's my inhaler...... Weird. Anyways, ROOTS, people, it's called ROOTS. Travel the globe, yes, please do this. But build a future, too. It's not just about the here and now. Don't wait until your 40, homeless, and broke to discover this.

2. The 'I'm a Vegetarian' Syndrome
I don't judge what other people eat. OBVIOUSLY. But I simply cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I get when I come across a hot, funny, stylish lesbian who also happens to include in her profile that "chicken wings are my favorite!" It's like this: I know plenty of vegetarians, and it's totally fine, I respect it and don't mind it. But it's turned into a fun game. Finding a lesbian on OkCupid that isn't a vegetarian feels sort of like I just found the final item on my Girl Scout Scavenger Hunt list. I can now receive my LESBIANS WHO EAT MEAT patch. That's right, bitches.

3. The "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" Syndrome
I don't read. I can't. I've tried everything in my power. It's a wretched cycle I cannot break: I research books for days on end, finally purchase one, get through Chapter 2, fall asleep, the book doesn't leave my nightstand ever again. I think I have something wrong with me, because I want to read SO badly, but it just doesn't work out. Well, apparently, I'm the only lesbian like this. Every other lesbian seems to have a list a mile long of books that they ABSOLUTELY LOVE, and anyone who doesn't read is just not smart. I can take that... I've been called worse. But seriously, read something other than "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." That movie is about to come out, soon enough I'll be able to lie and tell you I read the book, anyways. Now who's the smart one?!

4. The 21 & Up Syndrome
I took this straight out of a billion lesbian profiles. When OkCupid asks "What Are You Interested In?", it's like a written rule that anyone of the age to drink alcohol is a potential mate.

"Interested in: Girls that like Girls
Ages: 21-35
Located: Anywhere."

Well, excuse me for noticing, but you are THIRTY years old. Just because someone can finally walk across town, simultaneously shot-gunning a beer, without getting a MIP, that doesn't mean they are ready to be in a relationship with you. I'm all for doubling and tripling your odds these days by extending your age range and eliminating all location barriers. But, let's use our heads and think about this. Most lesbians aren't even out of their "I'm going to bang every chick and their mom" phase until they are in their mid-twenties or something like that. If you are seriously looking, raise your standards a bit - or at least by a couple of years.

p.s. As I said, not ALL of the lesbians are awful.. Some of them also enjoy City and Colour, they at least acknowledge that they have a family, and they wear bow ties, along with other miscellaneous things that absolutely melt my gay, gay, EXTREMELY GAY heart. Those lesbians prove that not all hope is completely lost. Thanks for that. OH, and if you are one of them, please message me.