When You Need to Call Your Girlfriend

As you probably know, I'm a music junkie. Lately, I've been on this Robyn kick. Yes, I said Robyn - like from back in the day - #throwback. "Call Your Girlfriend" is the inspiration for this blog, and like all ironic things in life, I stumbled upon it at the most perfect time.

In case you don't want to watch her rockin' 90's-inspired video, which includes some Cha Cha Slide action and a brief floor humping, by the way (you're truly missing out, no doubt), the gist of this song is basically: call your girlfriend because you found someone new, and you need to buck up and do the right thing, damnit. 

For all blog intensive purposes, the glossary item for "call your girlfriend":

call your girlfriend; verb; To pay a visit to, or to telephone, a significant other (male or female regardless of 'girlfriend') and let them down easy.

Also known as: you be the bigger person, and do what no one wants to do, and break their poor heart. But it must be done. Those poor, poor bastards. And also mainly because karma is a fucking bitch. :D

So how do you know when it's time to take Robyn's advice and call your girlfriend to let them down easy? I'll tell you how.

First of all, let's say you're in a relationship, but you've met someone else that you just know is better for you for some God only knows reason. When you see this person, you see stars, and your heart turns to mush, and you wet yourself uncontrollably. Then they look at you and speak, and you tell yourself I WANT TO BANG THIS PERSON. Bingo. Call your girlfriend. 

When you are having sexual intercourse with your significant other, and someone else, that you may be slightly interested in, pops into your mind, and you later discover that, had they not appeared in your mind, you probably would have either a) had the worst sex of your entire life, or b) passed out... call your girlfriend. 

When you find yourself creepin' on a regular basis on a hot chicks Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, or stalking their Pinterest account to find out what tickles their fancy (i.e. what they want to never actually cook, what clothes they want but can't afford to have, what their dream wedding will look like someday, and what movie quotes make their eyes water), you really need to call your girlfriend.

You constantly hope and pray to any God out there that your significant other never gets an Instagram or Twitter account, because then you'd have to follow them, and they'd be able to follow you, of course, and then they'd be SHOCKED at all of the inappropriateness. When this is the case, call your girlfriend.

If you are only with this person because of any of the following "Five C's of Calling Your Girlfriend": Because your relationship is just a Comfortable gig, it's very Convenient, yo' significant other got Cash flow, you are just very Confused, and/or you're too big of a Coward to be alone, call your girlfriend.

If your lover has admitted to mistakes in the past that you are constantly incapable of overcoming and getting over, and all you do is rehash what is said and done, regardless of every effort of forgiving and forgetting, call your girlfriend. If you can't accept things for what they are, and move forward, that shit won't last. You are prolonging the inevitable. Fucking get it over with already, so you can find someone that doesn't constantly leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Finally, once and for all, if you simply are not in love with your significant other, call your girlfriend. BAM!

(I don't know if I should apologize in advance for any break-ups caused by this blog, or if I should say you're welcome for saving you from your suckabagofdicks significant other).