Someone

It's never easy, they say. 

But sometimes, it is.

It's easy to forgive someone for something you never thought would happen.

It's easy to forgive it, twice.

It's easy to feel guilty for no reason whatsoever.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want to try to rebuild, start from scratch, get to know someone all over again.

It's easy to believe that the words someone is telling you are true. 

It's easy to believe that their actions are supporting those words, 

Even when you aren't around to see for yourself. 

It's easy to make excuses for someone until you're blue in the face. 

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to want something that you used to know like the back of your hand. 

It's easy to want to be loved like you were when you didn't have to worry. 

It's easy to feel insecure about the same thing, over and over, because it never gets better.

It's easy to have your feelings shamed because the one you're telling them to can't seem to understand.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy to make mistakes.

It's easy to be quick to blame someone else for their mistakes.

It's easy to expect a lot.

It's easy to avoid the difficult questions.

It's easy to ignore the insults.

It's easy to let these things go on.

It's easy, almost the easiest thing in the world, to fall back into an idea of someone. 

It's easy to let the hope that someone has grown up and seen the light make you run toward them at full speed, arms wide open. 

It's easy to be crushed by someone, so much so that you come crumbling down, heart first, twice.

Eventually, it gets easier to let that someone go.

The Theory of Emotional Unavailability

For better or for worse, I've recently become one of those people who is simply going with the flow when it comes to people I'm "talking to" (Someone remind me, when does it become dating again? Who fucking knows, man. "Talking to," it is). Let me be clear; this is, maybe, 50 percent by choice, 50 percent by force. But, if I'm being real here, it's mostly by force. While I am enjoying my singlehood, I'll be the first to admit that there's something a little dysfunctional about going into every new "relationship" with my guard up, not to mention being a self-proclaimed emotionally unavailable person. (So far, it isn't nearly as amazing as it is in Friends with Benefits).

Regardless of my own feelings on a given situation, it seems the people I tend to..... be into, for lack of a better term.... are living by their own agenda. I suppose I can't blame them; I guess we are all living by our own agendas, after all. I've been living by my own agenda for some time now, and I'm finally going to take a hard look at this Unemotional Erica that I've got going on. After kissing many-a-frogs, I became this way because I refuse to fully invest myself in someone who is even slightly uncertain about me... thus, I go with the flow. I do me, and I do a little bit of them, BUT I mostly do me. :D

I can't help but think about what the true meaning of "emotionally unavailable" is. Sure, it's taking things slowly, and feeling it out. It's probably a little less talk and a lot more action (or a little less of both, if you found a REALLY unavailable one; aren't you lucky). But is it taking things slowly just in case something better comes up? Is it just a comforting person that you like to have around, but don't actually see in your future, so there's no need to move at a normal pace? Is it that you are still hung up on an ex and you can't ride two horses with one ass? I mean, now, that's actually super legit. But why bother being a part of any relationship at all if you go into it thinking that all you want is just a tip? Or maybe just an ass-out hug? Maybe I'm fixin' to leave this poor feller blue-balling because I can't manage to go all of the way? Really? Okay, I think that's probably all of the sexual analogies it takes to successfully describe my Theory of Emotional Unavailability. You're followin' now, I'm sure.

You see, I have these things called standards. I quite like them. They make me feel very adult-like, and keep me in check with what it is I am looking for in a significant other. Everyone has standards and expectations. That's how relationships end. Someone, whether it was you or your other half at the time, decided they couldn't stand for something, they weren't pleased with something, you didn't make the cut, or someone else would make the cut much better than you (ouch, sorry). Ultimately, an expectation somewhere along the time was bypassed and therefore, it's now defective.

I may take pride in having my standards, but others tend to confuse these here standards with what they like to call 'high expectations.' And people go into things half-assed, not because they are scared that THEIR expectations, needs, and wants won't be met, but because they aren't 100% certain that they want to do what it takes to meet the expectations, needs, and wants of the other person involved. Therefore, my friends, an "emotional unavailable" person is actually code for "I gotta see what kind of commitment level you expect from me, and then I'll decide if you're worth it." If the juice is worth the squeeze, because no one wants to be squeezing if it isn't worth the juicing.

Sure, if everyone involved is on the same page, there's probably minimal harm to be done. But the emotionally unavailable excuse only flies for so long. There is absolutely nothing sexy about two people who can't get their shit together in order to commit to each other. I would think this is especially true once you've passed a certain age, but that's just my theory, once again. 

I mean, we have all gotten our hearts broken into pieces from time to time, unfortunately, and we all get hurt here and there, not to mention, we get royally screwed over sometimes and all that bullshit, blah blah blah. But that's what finding someone else to be with is all about, is it not? (At least until you've reached a mature age where that is no longer needed. AKA Going around breaking hearts is no longer what the cool kids do, take note). Wipe those tears and throw away that pain. Put your big, adult panties on and earn yourself an "Exceeds Expectations" rating on the significant other performance review. You, too, need to be worth the fucking squeeze already. And emotionally unavailable is not something I juice to. 

(Apparently I needed one more sexual analogy to hit home).