Monday, December 23, 2013

I'm Looking Forward To It

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a very open person. Shocked, right? I consider myself to be pretty outgoing and there's not a whole lot I wouldn't talk about with another person. But lately, I've been doing a ton of thinking on my own, and trying to look INSIDE for the answers for a change. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past few months, or the nearing end of the year, but I've been doing a bit of soul searching in order to get my mind right, if you will. As you know, I use this blog as an outlet for myself, and you can tell by my posts that my mind never stops. I'm always thinking and analyzing. But I wanted to take some time to share something different besides a love-related theory I've crafted up so cleverly in my own crazy head. This isn't exactly anything profound or life-changing. Instead, it's really something I've come to grasp over the span of the past year, and it's allowed me to change the way I think in terms of what's next for me.

You see, I am so close with so many people in life. I have a big, yet very close family, and I have some wonderful friends that I just adore. It's very important to me that they know what's happening in my world and that I know what's happening in theirs. I personally like to believe that you only become closer with people once you can open up with them and vice-versa. With that said, I never typically have second thoughts about asking for advice from other people about my relationships. It is never out of ill intent that I would talk to people about things going on, whether they are positive things or negative things. I wouldn't want to paint a negative light on the person that I care so much for to my family or friends, but I was seeking advice. It just seemed like the logical "girl thing" to do, to talk to my close friends, talk to my sisters, or talk to my Mom. The people I look up to, think fondly of and admire could surely be able to help me get through some issues in the right way. Certainly, THEY have the experience that I possibly lack, as they've probably been through this, or they have a friend whose friend has been through this, and completely innocently, they would be able to guide me right, or show me something that I might be missing. I've always been one to think that getting different perspectives can be helpful and is needed in order to grow and change.

But I think I've changed my mind on a very specific part of this: Talking about my relationship openly when there is an issue bothering me or something I'm struggling with. This year, someone tried to explain to me that every one's situations are different and by talking about certain things with certain people, I was ultimately comparing my situation to theirs and possibly developing expectations that could be outside of my own relationship. At the time, I was dead set that I was not COMPARING my relationship to anyone else's, instead I was seeking the experience from someone I cared about that had my best interest in mind.

Lately, however, when thinking about the experiences that came with this year, I've come to realize that no one else could possibly hold the answers I would have needed except the person I was with. But there's a catch: The person I'm with has to be willing to communicate about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just one person in a two person relationship, trying to read some one's mind and make important decisions single-handedly that impact both me and the person I love. I am totally aware that not every one's forte is communication. I love to talk, I love to be cheesy and be like "What are you thinking about?" and "Tell me something! Anything!" and I get that some people absolutely are not like that. But I am 300% certain that there are particular situations that MUST have two-way communication if something is going to work out.  

With all of this thought, I have found myself craving a kind of secret world, if that makes sense. One that only me and the person I love know about. A world that's so sure of itself, no outsiders stand a chance at interfering with it or altering it in any way. The intimate privacy between me and one other person that I care deeply for and that cares deeply for me.

I look forward to the time where I have another person to share that world with. Someone that looks forward to me and that world, too. Someone that is more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything, from our own problems, to their own problems, to my own problems. Another person that's fine discussing things, laying out the options, making a decision as a duo. Just two people, each with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most of all, care. Two people with care, each for the other one, enough to where we trust each other so much, respect for one another is never a question, but a way of life. Two people that won't buckle to outside opinions from family or friends, and not because their opinions are not valued, but because between the two of us, we can handle it. We are capable of our own decision making. We are the two people that know US best, we know OUR history, and OUR future, and what WE want and need. We shouldn't have to look elsewhere for advice and opinions, because we can look to each other and do it together.

Friday, December 20, 2013

New Year's Resolutions for My Entire Generation

I'm usually not one for New Year's Resolutions, because... today, though. But if someone held my teddy bear hostage or told me I could never drink an alcoholic beverage again unless I made promises to myself that will last no longer than the second month of the year, then fine, you win. But these little snippets of waystomakeyourselfbetter aren't just for me. I believe y'all should probably abide by them, as well, bcecause per usual, my blog is my outlet in order to shove my theories down your throat. Allow me to make you better. You can thank me later.

First of all, we should all vow to act our age. I don't care if you think that age is just a number. There's a reason older people are considered wiser people. Clearly, age is NOT just a number. It's a representation of the amount of experience someone has (or doesn't have); it's a prime example of how someone has grown (or hasn't really gown much at all). The way someone handles certain situations should be directly correlated with their age. So, yes, lets.

Let's all say fuck it, and pick a side. Who the hell decided that picking a side was such a terrible thing, anyway? Most likely, it was some very passive people pleaser that was too scared to upset someone. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I feel like we're all very intelligent people. We know right from wrong. Go ahead and pick a side. It's very freeing, I assure you.

At the risk of sounding cliche, let's treat people the way you would want to be treated. I'd say this one is pretty self explainatory, but somehow people are still getting it wrong day in and day out. It's really not a hard concept, I have faith in all of us.

Be a true friend and tell someone when they've fucked up. I am a firm believer in a true friend being someone that will call someone out on their bullshit, and let them know if they are really effing something up. A true friend is not someone that falls to the background and let's said friend make a huge mistake or be a total dick without a warning. People NEED to be told when they're being ridiculous. Who better to tell them than you?

Love the nice one, for once. It seems like all we do is fall for the jerks and the ones that are toxic for us. Why can't we just fall for the ones that wouldn't break our heart at every opportunity they got? The ones that know a good thing when they have it, and wouldn't do a single thing to ruin it. It might be scary. Hell, it WILL be scary. But sometimes scary is a perfectly normal thing. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to love the ones that love you. We were built to be loved, after all. Pick the one that knows how.

Let's all work to recognize the difference between being in love and almost everything else. Sometimes you think you're in love with someone and you're so pissed that it didn't work out. Then, you realize that wasn't being in love at all - that was just a brand new person in your life who introduced you to eggs benedict in a cute cafe and taught you that sick leave can be used to day drink on a Tuesday at noon. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, and sometimes we may actually be. But I've come to realize that being in love is so much more rare than we know. At first glance, if I took a long, hard look at my life, I could say I've been in love multiple times. Realistically, though?

Finally, I think we should all reward ourselves for the work we've put in to accomplish the rest of these. I know they are exhausting and honestly, accomplishing these things comes about with a lot of maturity. With that, I say we all vow to have more sex. And if you're any good at achieving what I've set forth for you here, chances are good you're having sex with the right person. Oh, but PROTECTED sex. Because I would also like to resolve not to expand the amount of baby pictures on my newsfeed. I told you you could thank me later.

Monday, December 16, 2013

They Call Me Crazy

They call me crazy.

I wish I could freeze every minute you spent,
telling me everything you knew I wanted to hear,
so I could revisit those moments immediately after,
and remind myself that these,
these are only lies.

With every question from me,
there was a promise from you.
Do you want to continue to date me? Yes, I promise that I do.
Are you interested in anyone else? No, I promise that I'm not.
Now is your opportunity to tell the truth. Take it. I promise that I am.
Promises.
Promises that you easily could have kept,
but none, none that you would.

The opportunity of a lifetime,
must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity,
or so the saying goes.
But what of a lifetime of opportunities seized?
Opportunities taken and misused.
Opportunities taken and destroyed.
Opportunities taken, taken, and taken,
without so much of a second thought.

There's been times when I thought twice, though.
When I look back and I want to change my own mind.
Yes, go to a simple lunch with your ex,
the same one you left me for once already.
Yes, don't invite me to go out with your friends,
the same ones that you've refused to introduce me to for weeks now.
Yes, I do understand that no significant others are going,
and that's why I'm not going.
But no, I don't want you to go,
and yes, I do want to go.

There's been times when I thought twice.
When I look back and I want to change my own damn mind.
But for what?
For the mere idea that it would've made a difference to you.
That maybe my lenience in our relationship could have made a difference in our relationship.
A difference in what?
A difference in your lies?
Or a difference in your cowardly lack of communication?
A difference in the way that you would take every single opportunity,
that I so wearily gave you in the first place,
and prove to me that you can prove absolutely nothing to me.
Prove to me that you will take, and take, and take.
Give.

Give is all that I did for you.
Give you opportunity, after opportunity,
after so many opportunities.

Now, I'm not sure.
But I hardly think that this is what they mean,
when they say that love is a game of give and take.

They call me crazy.
And you know, I think they could be right.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

10 Times That I Wished I Wasn't A Raging Homosexual

Even though I'm a lesbian, I haven't really taken the time to decide my thoughts on the whole issue of whether someone is BORN that way, or if they become that way, or even if they made the conscious choice to be that way because it looked like fun. The hows and whys of the issue don't fancy my interest. It's just the way it is and that's that. However, there are several times in my lesbo life that I have sat there and thought "if only I wasn't a raging homosexual..." 

Don't get me wrong. I don't ACTUALLY want to change the way I am. These seconds of questioning are just that. Seconds of questioning. It goes a little something like this: "Well...maybe I could just... I mean, guys are hot...when they wear skinny jeans... and have long hair... and when you can't really tell if it's a girl or a guy...is that weird?" or like this "He's got his shit together... maybe it doesn't matte- nope, no, Erica, no. There's still a penis." And then it's over. Just mere seconds of debate and I'm back to square one. Not even my Father's wish that I would "just find a nice boy" can change my feelings. Insecure boys lie and cheat, too, Father. But my Dad would be glad to know that there are some instances where I just wish I wasn't such a gay-wad.

1. When I realized I live in St. Charles, Missouri. Not because it's a bad place to live if you're gay and filming a documentary or something, because it's totally not (at least in my own experience). But because the population of lesbians of interest to me that reside in St. Chuck is like negative 6432. Unless you get off on "flipping" the youngin's, there are slim pickings in my 'hood. Granted, St. Louis is not far, but when you're already 6 drinks in, St. Louis is fucking far.

2. Almost every time I meet another lesbian. Just kidding. Kinda. But really, wouldn't that be some shit?

3. Every time I hear Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." I don't care what any of you crazy Katy fans say, that song leaves legitimate lesbians with a horrible taste in their mouth, and so do girls who just kiss girls for the hell of it. Just because you got brave with a drink in your hand, and you hope your boyfriend don't mind it, that doesn't mean that lesbians everywhere don't cringe at the idea of you unintentionally making a mockery of their lifestyle for attention. Hash tag PREACH.

4. When people have to vote on whether or not I am allowed to be married. Because who the hell are you and why the hell does it matter to you who I marry?

5. When it becomes clear to me just how easy it is for my straight friends to pick people up. Not that picking people up is at the top of my hobbies list, but this is serious. Again, this might have a lot to do with geography, or the places that I hang out, but it is no secret that there are at least double the options for those looking for the opposite sex at any given time. WTF?

6. When people get drunk and start asking lesbian sex questions. If you're my BFF, or anyone I remotely care about, then sure, ask your little heart away. I have no qualms with enlightening you about my life. But if you just met me, and the conversation of choice is like "I've never met a lesbian before, how do you??? And how do you?? And scissoring, scissoring, scissoring??" Just stop and turn me straight, okay?

7. When I got a part-time job. I momentarily wished I was no longer a lesbian when I got a second job because it occurred to me that, for the first time in a really long time, I'd have to tell many new people that no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating a girl. You forget what it feels like to have to tell someone you barely know something that's so personal, all because they were just trying to be nice and get to know you. In the end, there was no harm done. It's just different. Besides, I've had a good streak of no one causing a stink about anything (as it should be), so I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone pulls a shank on my ass when I totally offend them with my lesbian tendencies.

8. When someone asks if I'm the "girl or the guy in relationships." I don't mean this in the sexual way - please refer to #6. This is a basic question, and I totally get why people ask it. But it does make me curse myself a little bit for the situation I am in. Not because I can't choose. But because I have to check my make-up, my nails, my long hair, mini-skirts and tights. And then I have to roll my eyes.

9. When I'm in a relationship and there's a bachelorette party for a mutual friend. OK, this might sound extremely petty at first glance. But it's a prime example of when, in a lesbian relationship, lines get blurry. If it was a girl and a guy in this situation, it would be clear who was to go to what. Not for same-sex couples, though. And a girls night? Or a night out with the boys? This stuff can really get in the way of a same-sex relationship if you don't know where the boundaries are.

10. When girls I'm trying to befriend automatically assume I want their body. I may think you're beautiful, because I do believe that of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I am at all into you physically. Okay, you're right, I'm sorry that you think that's harsh? Should I say that I AM into you physically? That makes you uncomfortable? No, it doesn't? You're ugly? Is that better? Still no? You're beautiful AS A PERSON and I don't want anything from you except a friendship? Does THAT make you happy? I mean, wait, what do you want from me here? I guess I don't need girl friends anyway...

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Overanalyzing The Fine Line Between Love & Hate in Relationships

As my Dad would say, fine lines and relationships are like assholes and humans: they all have them. I've already touched on a fine line in relationships that I consider to be a major one (here), but (unlike assholes and humans...), I am fairly certain there is more than just one fine line in a relationship. Au contraire, my good friends, there are several fine lines in relationships. The fine line between love and hate just happens to be a gigantic cliche and, to what I'm sure is a massive shock to my regulars, this is something I just so happen to be overanalyzing lately.

Now, I am not a hater of much. For what it's worth, I tend to be too much of a sucker to be much of a hater. I believe in second chances, and (apparently) I believe in third chances, too. I give the benefit of the doubt the majority of the time, and I happen to trust that people can change when they want to. However, just because I still idealize about these things doesn't make them actually true, and trust me when I say I've definitely come to know this.

I've never understood what it meant when someone said "there's a fine line between love and hate." Does it mean that they couldn't distinguish between the two? Because when I think about it, I may not always know when I love someone, but I definitely always know when I DON'T love someone. Or did they mean that you can love someone, all the while be completely suffocated by their love, thus forcing you to resent and, at times, hate them?

All of these theories could be spot on, but as you may have guessed, in true Erica fashion, I can't really put my finger on my exact thoughts on this topic. The fine line between love and hate is probably woven inside our emotions and our feelings for someone. But I don't really think that's enough. There's not too much I will be OK to say for certain unless a ton of overanalyzing has taken place. Overanalyzing to take place in 3...2...1...

First of all, let me make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I am by no means an advocate for hate. I mean, I think as a gay person it's been written in stone that I am 100% not allowed to hate a single thing. For the sake of all things realistic, the definition of hate is a "passionate dislike for someone." For the sake of this blog, I'd like to simply say it's just anger, or hurt, or being fucking pissed off. But unfortunately, I think the passionate disliking of someone is somewhat more than one person feeling anger or being hurt and being pissed off. I think it has to do with TWO people, not just one person taking all of the hate credit.

The LOVE in love and hate is not the typical love, where you can go days, weeks or months without speaking, then pick back up without skipping a beat. No, it's a love so much deeper that there's a pain in your heart making you retrace your steps in the situation, hopefully without regrets and with pride in the actions of your past.

And the HATE in love and hate is not the typical hate, where you can admit your "passionate dislike" for a person and carry on with your everyday life, without ever stopping to think how disliking someone can impact you or them. It's so much deeper than that. It's a pain in your heart making you hate the fact that you could possibly truly dislike someone you loved so much. It's not something you want, but just as falling in love with someone is out of our own control, so is the feeling of anger and hurtfulness.

Love and hate are emotions that every single human feels; they are emotions that are both common and rare all at the same time. The fine line between those emotions is what makes us different...How much can you love someone? Can you love them so much that you don't think you'd ever have it in you to hate them? Or does the deepness of your love depict how deep your dislike can be? If someone has enough power to make us feel love, what would stop them from making us feel such strong dislike? And if we can't let go of the love we have, how do we ever begin to let go of the hate?

Last but not least, if we can't let go of the love, and we can't let go of the hate, how do we determine which one it is that we're even holding on to in the end?